If your gf is willing to go sybiline's route, her idea sounds like it might be the only way this stuff will actually have a chance of stopping. I have relatives who occasionally let something like this slip, but nothing as continuous as what you're experiencing. However, my sis is a fundamentalist Christian who does occasionally send me anti-gay marriage leaflets, and at one point a really horrible book about why Christianity is right and everything else is wrong (and written in a really yucky style that I found just insulting). Additionally, my parents were deeply hurt, angry, and said some very hurtful things around the time of my wedding due to my refusal to have Christian ceremony, and my not making that clear to them ahead of time.
And I so I did something similar with both of them, but I did it in the form of a very long, carefully written letter in each case. Partly I had to do it this way because we live far apart and family gatherings were never conducive to these kinds of talks.
The way I see it, you don't have to change their MINDS but you have the right to ask them to change their behavior when they are with you. And, inside, I suspect, they know that you have a right to have your beliefs--e.g., in the dignity of all persons (say)--to be treated as respectfully as they would want you to treat their beliefs.
Cause, if you're like me, the annoying thing is that I suspect (correct me if I'm wrong) you wouldn't say "Oh, everyone knows all christians lack real intelligence and the ability to think rationally." "Anyone who believes in God is stupid," or "Christans are all bigots." If you have enough respect for their emotional well being not to make blanket statements about their beliefs--at the very least not to their faces--it really is quite simply rude, at any age, not to be able to refrain from "doing unto others..." in kind.
And at some level--if it's presented carefully to them as an issue of treating each other lovingly and with dignity--they also believe that. They know that. They're just not framing it that way right now.
It actually does treat them more respectfully to carefully confront their behavior than to hide from it because it's inevitable. Their beliefs may be unchangeable, but their behavior is not.
So: What if your gf sat her parents down or wrote them a carefully worded letter about how much pain their visits are causing, and how sad you both are about it, because you really want to be close to them? I'd suggest that she take quite a bit of time writing it--do it over the course of a few weeks or even months. For one thing, it will crystallize her own thoughts--she may write some parts that she decides she needs to say for herself, but which they don't need to hear right now, and she'll figure out a good path to what works for them, personally.
Then, and this is key, she should print it off and mail it to them--not email. Give them some time to respond. (OR She might decide that writing the letter has helped her frame what she needs to say in person, and sending the letter is not the best idea.)
Final advice: I'd suggest she/you begin this conversation by finding some common ground with them--the belief, for instance, in loving your neighbor as yourself. Talk about the painfulness of this experience for herself and for you, and that, although they are not doing it deliberately, it is painful for both of you.
So far, they may see you as only angry, or in intellectual disagreement, and not in pain: anger is often the strong face we put on pain: it makes us feel stronger, but it can kind of shuts off the empathy response in the other. So although it's counter intuitive to be vulnerable to people in situations like this, it's often exactly what is needed. Since you say they are good people, I suspect they will respond to your vulnerability very differently than to your rational arguments and frustration.
And, note, you don't have to slobber or grovel. Vulnerability can be expressed with dignity; if it is done carefully, if it's grounded in love for them, it actually connotes a different kind of strength that I think everyone recognizes when they confront the real thing. Because all of us know that is hard to open up to a relative and say "you may not realize it, but you're hurting me, and I love you and want to spend time with you, so I need you to stop doing this."
You may eventually need a kind of "threat" of "We cannot let you into our house if you continue to express those beliefs." But, seriously, I'd save it back for if the letter/conversation fails to make it plain just how serious this is to you both. I think it's quite possible you won't need to go to that next step. |
