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The thread of Love and Joy

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00:28 / 03.04.06

It's raining out now, which is not surprising. It's been a soft rain, one which despite the clearing last night seems like a continuation of the weather for the past week or so. Today I chose to cut through the university on my walk home, which was a good choice. Streams that surface in the vicinity of campus before traversing the rest of Berkeley underground and emptying into the Bay were swollen with the recent rains. Campus also boasts a fragrant redwood population. The red bark is redder and the green needles greener in the rain, which is odd, since the light quality is theoretically so poor— on "nice" days maybe the blue of the sky drains color from everywhere else, or maybe my eyes are peculiar. Much of the part of campus I walk is connected by bridges and boardwalks over the lacework of streams. I took my headphones off and listened to the falling water on rock, and put aside my umbrella to let the soft rain spill off the leaves onto my head and shoulders.

I'm missing my "sister," which as usual is resulting in a bout of listening to Celtic music. Recently, too, I hit a bit of a milestone for myself and it's been nice to celebrate that. A family member had a disaster happen and is still alive, healthy, and optimistic. I met up with a friend I haven't seen in months, and his life seems to be going as planned. I heard from a friend I haven't seen in years, and the disasters which have struck her in the last year seem to have cleared out the old debris and made room for new growth; she sounds happy, and I don't think I've ever known her to be before. My household is returning from spring break. All in all I feel very conscious of how lucky I am to be surrounded by such wonderful community, both nearby and distant.

Post here with kindness. If you feel the need to begin metadiscussion, please do so in another thread.

20:28 / 03.04.06

Smiley springtime is finally thawing out our creaky bones here in New England. Last week the crocuses came up, then the jonquils and pansies and daffodils, and finally today the magnolia trees burst open along the city streets. We forget, around here, that anything was ever warm or green... then suddenly everyone's happier, nicer, brighter, thinking of all the things we will soon be able to do (picnicking, swimming, walking through the Arboretum, or just lazing in the sun).

This morning I was helping clean up at a job that's winding down after four months. My employer made a special point of thanking me for all my hard work because he "couldn't have done it without" me, and he said the client absolutely loved our work. I was already proud of it... but it feels good to be thanked.

This afternoon I was feeling a little tired and down, but I decided to take the dog out for a good walk anyway. As I set out I pondered turning back, since the sunny day had turned cool and cloudy. But we strolled over to a pond where I could let the pup off leash for a while. He chased two Canada geese almost right into the pond, stopping short at the edge with mud up to his shoulders and hips to stand there, staring, transfixed. I just hung around watching him explore - darting after robins, snuffling through some underbrush, rolling in the grass, running full tilt at nothing. You can't imagine the vicarious joy of watching a dog be a dog unless you've felt it... and you can't help your spirits lifting when you see a puppy flash you a big doggie grin as he runs as hard as he can just for the fun of it. The dog's almost a year old and it's been immensely satisfying and fascinating to watch him grow up, to train him myself from infancy.

Tonight my boyfriend's taking a first step toward a major career change that could potentially change both of our lives in a positive way. I know he'll succeed if he pursues it, and I'm already so excited for him. I have an all around optimistic feeling now, that good things are happening and better things are coming.

21:14 / 03.04.06

I should hear tomorrow when I'll be leaving for China. Like most things in my life, this is a joy that comes with qualifications; the process is more expensive than I can properly afford, and my family's joy comes at the expense of the sorrow of someone I've never met. But at the end of it, there will be another small human being living in my house and not in an orphanage.

In Mandarin, the word for "family" is jiaren. Literally, this means "house people" or "people of the house" -- ren means "people," as in "people's currency" (renmenbi) and "citizen of" as in Meiguoren, American people, the ren who live in the mei (pretty) guo (country).

So, within a month, I'll most likely be in the Three Gorges area -- largest dam on the planet, changing the outlines of the largest city on the planet, going through some very large changes indeed with a very small person.

Hallo, Paper Spaceboy

01:54 / 04.04.06

I had a relatively productive day off; even though I wasn't booked anywhere, nobody called me in to work but I didn't end up mopping about. Instead, I cleaned the apartment and went to buy groceries, ate some good meals, took out the trash -- just plain old, earthy housey stuff. I watched a couple of movies and felt like I accomplished things. Then, at around dinner time my friend D called and we went for a big long power walk - made it halfway around the city, then stopped off in Chinatown for some dinner. Got outside and it was pouring: but the conversation and good food transformed it into a life-giving, penetrating rain that leaves me feeling refreshed. I can just sit here with damp hair and feel all warm and wet and relaxed.

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08:13 / 04.04.06

A friend of mine was sad, but today she was given a nice gift— a handmade hand warmer which is making her extraordinarily happy. And then a cute boy she likes came over and was nice to her. And then we helped her get into the hot tub and gave her strawberry ice cream with real strawberries and chocolate chips, and I gave her a sip of my hot chocolate with cinnamon and chiles. And she ended the day incredibly happy. I love seeing that change in someone.

Also I have come to love hot chocolate with cinammon and chiles, provided it's mixed with plain chocolate. Talk about warming!

It's always a bit of effort, for her as well as for those of us who lift her and set up her ventilator, to get her in and out of the hot tub, but I really love her company and so I'm glad to do it. And the hot tub is lovely and relaxing with all my friends around me. This is the best thing about living cooperatively— moments like this which are so rare when one lives alone, with people I might never have met except for this house and its community.

11:53 / 04.04.06

There's a big maple tree outside my window here in Ohio with the red fists of tiny flowers bursting at the end of each gray twig, against a perfect blue spring morning sky. My dogs are snoring and I finished reading the 50-page paper I needed to read before 8:15 today. It's still a bad paper, but it's better than it was.

I had lunch with a former student on Sunday--lunch, a stroll, and drinks in a quiet afternoon bar. There's a low simmer in our relationship of mutual attraction that's been there, in the background, since we first met 5 years ago. Now, we meet for a few hours, talk about our lives, our families, wander into a bookstore and talk about what we're reading, and then go our separate ways. We are both in a good place with our partners and therefore are very at ease with each other. There's an intimacy in this relationship that has a quality all its own, like its own peculiar mix of cinnamon, chocolate, and chilis.

A male and femal cardinal just landed one after another on a branch of the maple, the intense red of the male so perfectly mated to that of of the buds, the muted red grays of the female blending the silvery grace of the nearly bare twigs. The birds paused, passed a seed between their beaks, one to the other. They flew away.