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Can you give me a hand with some ideas?

All Acting Regiment

13:35 / 24.03.06

I'm writing this short story, and I need, not so much a critique, more a shopping list of little things. I'll give you a run down of the story first.

It's manchester, in the 1950's. A young, unatractive man tries to get a date with a woman who works at his office. She says no, and, asuming that it's because she has a boyfriend, our protagonist gets very angry and implores the leader of a cult he's been attending to send a monster after her.

The next day, however, he overhears her in a cafe talking to her friend and it transpires that she did not snub him because she's already seeing someone who's better looking- in fact, she's pregnant outside of marriage and what with this shame (as it was in those days) hanging over her she's in no position to go out with him. Realising now that he could be arrested for double murder, our first tries to reason with the cult leader to dispel the ritual. However, on turning up at the house the cult leader is imply the average suburban bloke and denies all knowledge of the night time activities.

The protagonist then steals the woman's adress from the company records and hides outside her door at night to confront the monster he thinks is coming to kill her. Then something comes along and...

I'm not sure. That's the main problem, and question 1 for you guys: I want him to be hospitalised by something really non-monstrous, like he sees the milkman coming and has a panic attack- the point is the woman and child aren't in danger but he ends up punishing himself, so to speak, for being malicious in the first place. What, though? What can I splat him with?

The cult itself is a sort of secret thing, he has to use it as a surrogate family/social life. Does that sound like something that could happen?

Does the general story hold together realistically, to you? The monster presumably isn't real.

With regards to the 1950s setting, what sort of clothes should they be wearing and where might a young single man live? Would the woman be a typist?

14:01 / 24.03.06

This may sound a little contrived, but you could do a little Chekov trick called "hiding the gun"

At the beginning of the story, have the female comment on the protagonist's constantly untied shoes, or something to that effect. Then, at the appointed time, have him trip and perhaps conk his head on concrete steps. Then, he's not only punished for wishing to kill this female, but he's also punished for not heeding her advice.

The important part is setting it up. As Chekov said, "Don't have a gun in the play unless it's going to be fired."
Or the actual quote:
"If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there."

14:03 / 24.03.06

I think I'm reading your subtext slightly different from the way in which you are. For me he is the monster. This is a guy that sets a monsterous violent force on someone for next to no reason and then, when said force is supposed to arrive, turns up at her house - you know, like a stalker.
I appreciate what you're trying to do - punish him for his appalling behaviour - but I'd take a slightly different tack. Sure, he can still ostensibly turn up to protect her from the monster, but I'd have his misguided attempts to protect her play out in a monsterous and dangerous fashion, and then I'd give him a kicking, possibly at the moment of revelation when he realises that he's the problem and not the solution.

Does that make any sense?

All Acting Regiment

23:26 / 24.03.06

Wow! Brill! Seriously, huggles to the both of you, you've just finished my piece for me. Wow...I'd never thought of something that simple...shoelaces...or maybe old shoes that fall apart and he trips...wow.

Thankyou!

01:58 / 25.03.06

I'm absolutely jazzed that you're absolutely jazzed about this story.

19:57 / 27.03.06

I think you need to keep things very vague about his sanity at least for the first 2/3's if not longer. The cult is a great way to do that. At times it seems to exist, and at others it doesn't. Now, on level the reader could say, "Well this guy's clearly imagining it all." But if your main character has done something to piss the cult off (perhaps related to his going back on his request or even threatening the leader), then maybe they're just closing ranks on him and pretending they don't exist to drive him away or even drive him insane. I feel like you could play off that dynamic for quite a bit to the delight of a certain kind of reader.

That said, I don't like the part her pregnancy and fear of arrest seem to play in his motivation for going back on his request. I'd rather see him just plain realize on his own that trying to have someone killed is wrong and that he was crazy to ever set that event in motion. The bonus there is that you might even trick some readers into thinking that he's "gone sane."

I also don't think he should know the reason she turned him down until quite a ways into the story. Leave as many mysteries up in the air for as long as you can. It give him another revelation (or series of revelations) to discover during his misguided attempts to "guard" her.

I'm also worried worried about setting it in the 1950s if there's a not a good reason for it. Period pieces usually require a lot of research to pull off well.

23:37 / 27.03.06

Either way, you'll have to post it so we can read (well, what else would we do with it?)

All Acting Regiment

14:51 / 28.03.06

Gridley- it's set in the 50s to give a prim and proper suburban surface under which there are things like this cult happening.

I like what you're saying, but I think it's when he realises she's pregnant that the evil of what he's done hits home. I like having it in one hard hit, if you see what I mean, rather than spreading it out?

Ye Mister M, I will post just as soon as I finish it.