I work for Barnes & Noble. Like most retail stores, we play "Muzak". In the manager’s office is a machine called “Muzak” (really!) that controls what background music gets played over the store’s speaker system. There are a number of channels to choose from, some playing classical, some playing New Age, but most playing conservative, “easy listening” adult soft rock. Corporate wallpaper, in other words. Sadly, this latter station is what they play more often then not. I kind of like the New Age channel, mostly just pleasant bird sounds and atmospheric water sound effects, but the customers complained it made them have to use the bathroom.
If there is one thing I hate, its banality. Stuff that takes a middle road, plays it safe, avoids extremes, doesn‘t want to run the risk of offending anyone. This is especially true of art. And that’s just what this easy listening “rock” music is. Of course, the store doesn’t want to scare customers away, so I know they aren’t going to start blasting out Merzbow or anything like that, but at the very least, play stuff a little more upbeat! Every now and then I’ll hear a song I like, such as Blondie, Dream Academy, Madonna (mostly her ballads, they never play her dance stuff), Gwen Stefani… Okay, I will admit I do like Genesis and Phil Collins, but
this is probably due to the fact that American Psycho is one of my all-time favorite books. If they ever play any 80’s music, it’s usually not the good stuff like Depeche Mode or Talking Heads or anything New Wave, it’s always Elton John or something lame like that. Our poor ears are bombarded by the demonic sounds of sober, depressing, middle-aged men and women strumming acoustic guitars and over-enunciating some of the most terrible “profound” lyrics I've ever heard in my life. There are easily hundreds of horrid songs to choose from as the worst, but here are a few of the ones I especially hate:
Eric Clapton: "Wonderful Tonight"
I've always hated this song... slow and boring, with dull lyrics and an annoying vocal from Clapton. Puts me to sleep.
5th Dimension: "(Last Night) I Couldn't Get To Sleep At All"
One of my co-workers REALLY hates this song. He says whenever he can't sleep at night he keeps hearing this stupid song in his head, with the horrifying knowledge that he knows the next day at work he'll hear it at the job. It’s a pretty bad song, I have to agree.
Joni Mitchell: "Free Man in Paris"
Mitchell has an irritating tendency to slur words at the chorus in this song that really bugs the hell out of me for some reason.
Bob Seger: "In Your Time"
So many of the muzak selections at work feature craggy-voiced older man singers belting out "deep" and "profound" lyrics. Bob Seger is the epitome of this. God, I hate this song.
James Taylor: "Mexico"
It is a humiliating fact, but James Taylor provided the inspiration for my first name when I was born. Which sucks because I hate his music and this is probably the worst song of his they play at work, from the irritating chorus to the noxious ending, when Taylor starts babbling "quirky" lyrics.
Doobie Brothers' "Drift Away"
When that chorus kicks in ("Give me the beat boys to free my soul, I want to get lost in your rock & roll, and drift away") I want to start blowing things up.
However, there is one thing worse then all of those songs put together, and that is Rod Stewart’s unholy “Great American Songbook” series, which is now up to volume 4. To be blunt, if there is a Hell and it has a soundtrack, then this is the music they must play there. It’s hard to keep a positive outlook on life when you’ve been exposed to this series, Rod Stewart slurring out covers of some of the most boring “oldies” songs of all time like “These Foolish Things” and “Isn’t it Romantic” in his washed-up old smug rocker voice over a backdrop of laid-back lounge music. I’m not joking, it’s possibly the most annoying, irritating, downright offensive music I’ve ever heard in my life, the sound of boredom captured on CD. Rod Stewart is the Devil.
I recall reading a quote from Kurt Cobain once where he said he used to walk around supermarkets with his walkman on, listening to Half-Japanese cassette tapes, wondering how the people around him would deal with that sort of music, how they’d probably melt or jump out of their skin, and how he would blare the music at full volume and imagine it pumping out of the store’s speakers. Substitute Diamanda Galas and Throbbing Gristle for Half-Japanese and I know exactly how he feels.
Actually, yesterday was the last straw. It appears they've added a new song to the line-up. James Blunt. That damn irritating song "You're so Beautiful" or whatever it's called. Make it stopppppppp....
Tell me I'm not alone here in getting riled up about this shit. |
