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Dealing with a parents' brain cancer, or other serious illness

11:48 / 09.03.06

A couple of years ago my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She fought this extremely well, and spent the vast majority of last year healthy - working, going to the gym etc.

On Christmas day, she was taken into hospital, and was diagnosed with a secondary cancer, in her lung and breast bone. She started a second round of chemotherapy and seemed to be making good progress.

Last week, due to feeling a little woozy and wobbly, she asked for a brain scan and it showed that she had extensive tumours in her brain. Although she is due to start a round of radiotherapy next week, and perhaps some oral chemotherapy after that, the prognosis is far from good, and it certainly looks like she is not long for this world.

I would appreciate hearing any views from anyone who has dealt with such a problem in a parent or other relative, perhaps including what she is likely to go through (both physically and mentally), but also if anyone has experience of dealing with a parent's serious illness and what people found helped / didn't help, both for her, myself and the rest of my family.

12:30 / 09.03.06

Minifig - I think this topic is better suited to the Conversation (where, for one thing, it will be seen by more people and you will probably get a wider and more helpful set of responses) and have requested a move. Hope that's okay.

12:33 / 09.03.06

Sure - not a problem.

13:18 / 09.03.06

Hi minifig,

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, and for your mother.

I can't give you any good advice, but I can tell you how it went for my dad.

My dad died of a prostate cancer in September '05. He'd hid it for a long time. He always hated going to doctors. He'd almost lost a leg a couple of years earlier due to type 2 diabetes, but that taught him nothing. By the time he had it tested it was too late.

My brother, who'd been a building labourer in London, had returned home, to Ireland, to take care of him and my mother, who had Alzheimer's and died six months after my father, and he did a very good job of it, letting both of them to stay at home until a day or two before the end. That was the most important thing, I think, that they could stay at home and be cared for by one of us. It was hard, painful work for my brother though, my dad was like a bag of bones at the end, and my mum had really lost her mind by the time she passed away.

We buried them where they wanted to be buried, and everyone came, and we cried a lot. We think about them a lot. I wish I asked them more while they were still there. I especially wish I'd asked my mum some things before she started to slip away. Too late now.

13:28 / 09.03.06

both of my grandparents died of cancer recently. the most rewarding times spent with them for all relatives, i think, was just sitting with them shortly after terminal diagnosis and talking, reminiscing, telling stories and telling jokes. there seems to be a great time of calm during this period. very close to the end there is mostly just confusion and lots of sleeping.

i comforted myself by the fact that hearing these stories and soaking up their personalities and perspectives would transfer a bit of them to me, which i could then move along to my children and close friends, keeping my grandparents forever alive.

please accept my wishes for strength to you and your family. cancer is cruel but it brings an awareness and a new dynamic between people that can be helpful.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

21:33 / 09.03.06

God, that's horrible and you have my fullest sympathies. My dad died of a brain tumour when I was 12- I remember him coping fairly well, though, but it was a little too long ago for me to remember how we helped him. I think just being there for her is the most important thing you can do. And good luck to you and your mum.

22:00 / 09.03.06

I've watched two people die of cancer and both of them died when it reached the brain.

As far as I understand it - and that's not very far - when it comes it'll probably be fast. One day they'll be making sense, the next they won't. The day after? Well, they might not be there the day after.

The only advice I can offer is be there, be available, face down the fear and the pain and hold your ground until the end. You won't regret it.

*

22:21 / 09.03.06

My sympathies to everyone who is going/has gone through this.

I lost an aunt to brain cancer which migrated from her breast, Christmas Eve of— 2000? It was hard on my family, particularly because brain cancer brings about a lot of behavior changes which are difficult to cope with. On the other hand, she went quickly, and seemed not to be in pain. (She died five years to the day after her youngest son died. He was eighteen, which means... yeah, she died in 2000.)

I'm sorry. This is a tough time to be going through. Family and friends, though, can be a great support. What helped my family was that I was able to be supportive of them while they grieved— I knew her well enough to be sad, but not well enough to be stricken with loss, unlike my mother/her sister. It's always important to grant people their dignity, both in their dying and in their grieving.

I'm sorry that I cannot give you more hope or a brighter picture.

03:44 / 10.03.06

What a tough one. I wish you all the strength and hope I can.

My mother died after a relatively long illness. I don't know that I was much help to her, but I'd say the main thing to remember is to be whatever she needs you to be for her. If she wants to talk about what you're doing and the world outside, do that. If she wants to talk about how she feels, or the disease, or death, then do that. She's your mum, she loves you, so just the fact that you're trying to do your best for her is going to mean a lot. And, I guess, try to save the worst of your tears for when you're in the shower, or with other people. It's really hard.

13:26 / 13.03.06

Thanks to everyone that's got back to me over this, both here and on the private messages. It doesn't look like she's going to be strong enough to have any treatment now, but many a medical professional has been around to the house to make her as comfortable as possible.

I really do appreciate all the help that people have shared here, so thanks to you all.