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I have had a similar relationship with Spider (Spiderness?) all my life. I started seeing the relationship as totemic when encouraged to do so by a local, you know, New Agey guy.
Not sure that was necessary though--I mean, a nightmare isn't really a nice way to communicate with somebody if you want to be that person's familiar, is it?
It was spider in my nightmares too, but then Raven started coming into my dreams as well, but in a different way: Raven was actually an invited presence, kind of mysterious and fun, whereas Spider remained generally creepy, even when I tried to think of it in terms of "creative energy" or "home-making energy," or some Medicine Card-ish smegma like that.
When I was an adolescent, I kept a journal of everything--I kept it neurotically--and I associated this with my spider totem. I had a digital journal and a couple written journals. One night, I had my journals with me, and I was walking with friends in a graveyard at night, while the others fell to talking, I envisioned killing and dismembering a giant spider; then I envisioned a hundred spiders all over me; then an unkindness of ravens swooped in, there was a war. The birds won.
"Are you all right?" people were asking me, because I was twitching as I do when my imagination takes me away from human things.
At some point I guess I set my journals down in the graveyard, and when I went back for them the next morning, they were gone.
I went home and my hard drive had crashed, or melted or something. So nothing I'd written was... in this world anymore, I had to assume.
I let it go, it just seemed odd and magical and cool, I suppose (although when magic becomes real it ceases to be very alluring, doesn't it?)
One night I went out in the woods and told Raven I appreciated his help and having him be my totem, but I had to go back to being with Spider. Raven asked me if I was sure, and I said I was, unfortunately, you know, we are what we are, and all that. So he flew away.
Some kids found my journals in the graveyard, recognized one of the names in them, and through channels they found their way back to me.
Sorry to be so long-winded.
Spider dreams are common, arachnaphobia is common, but I've never heard anybody say something as similar to my own experience of spiders as this post I'm replying to... maybe talk to it? To the spider you keep seeing? Some automatic writing, if you're into that? Just scribble on Spider's behalf maybe, like that guy did who wrote Conversations with God--CwD is a silly book, but the process seemed to work for him... |
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