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Little book of Barbarian Sex Advice

 
 
Phex: Dorset Doom
03:47 / 23.02.06
THOUGH WE HAVE TRAINED OUR HANDS TO WEILD MIGHTY SWORDS, AND HONED OUR BODIES TO PERFECTION PUSHING THE WHEEL OF PAIN, AND THOUGH WE HAVE COME TO KNOW WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE THROUGH HARDSHIP AND BATTLE IT TROUBLES ME THAT THE MEN OF OUR TRIBE KNOW NOT HOW TO PLEASE THEIR MANY WIVES. BY THE FULL AND LUSTROUS BEARD OF CROM THIS WILL NOT STAND!
SO, SUBMIT TO ME YOUR QUESTIONS OF A SENSUAL NATURE, EVEN IF YOUR PITIFUL FAILINGS AS A MAN MAKE THE REST OF THE TRIBE LAUGH- BUT SPEAK THEM TO ME AS A TRUE WARRIOR OR BE LASHED TO THE TREE OF WOE WHERE NONE SHALL HEED YOUR CRIES FOR MERCY, FOOD OR A CROSSWORD BOOK TO PASS THE TIME.
 
 
Sax
06:28 / 23.02.06
See, what you do is, when she's gone for a piss you drop a couple of these in her Bacardi Breezer and give it half an hour and she'll be all over the place and you can take her out the back and give her one.

Oh, sorry, I thought this was the Little Book of Bradfordian Sex Advice.
 
 
Mourne Kransky
09:14 / 23.02.06
BY THE FULL AND LUSTROUS BEARD OF CROM THIS WILL NOT STAND!

A MAN MIGHT SUGGEST VIAGRA FOR YOUR NOT STANDING PROBLEM.
 
 
Evil Scientist
09:30 / 23.02.06
A MAN MUST BE PREPARED TO DRINK DEEPLY FROM THE CUP OF WOMANHOOD, IF HE EXPECTS HIS WIVES TO WORSHIP AT HIS DRAGON POLE! HEAR MY TRUTH!
 
 
The resistable rise of Reidcourchie
09:32 / 23.02.06
When first aroused by a comely young wench is burning her village to the ground, carry her lifestock off and putting her family to the sword a good way to impress her?
 
 
electric monk
11:48 / 23.02.06
VERILY!

IT WORKED IN 'NATURAL BORN KILLERS!
 
 
sleazenation
12:11 / 23.02.06
When first aroused by a comely young wench is burning her village to the ground, carry her lifestock off and putting her family to the sword a good way to impress her?


Such actions would generally considered a trifle excessive, certainly it pays to have a few relatives around to slaughter later as a means of impressing your wife after having forgotten her birthday or being caught in bed with several concubines...
 
 
P. Horus Rhacoid
12:24 / 23.02.06
SO THERE'S THIS GIRL, SEE, AND THOUGH SHE HAS A BOY-FRIEND WITH WHOM SHE IS PREPARED TO FLEE THE PROVINCE TO PARTS UNKNOWN IT SEEMS OBVIOUS TO A MAN THAT SHE DOES NOT LOVE HIM; AND VERILY, THROUGH HER WOMANLY SIGNALS OF SPEAKING, LOOKING AT A MAN IN A PARTICULAR WAY AND, INDEED, SPOONING AGGRESSIVELY, A MAN IS QUITE POSITIVE THAT SHE LOVES HIM AND NOT HER BOY-FRIEND WHO, IT IS EQUALLY OBVIOUS, SHE LOATHES. A MAN'S QUESTION IS THIS: SHOULD A MAN CHALLENGE THE BOY-FRIEND TO NOBLE SINGLE COMBAT, GARROTE HIM IN A BACK ALLEY AFTER A NIGHT OF CAROUSING IN THE TAVERNS, OR SIMPLY CARRY THE FEMALE OFF WITH HIM?
 
 
Evil Scientist
12:33 / 23.02.06
By the Snake God of Krr'esth'ssss! You should lay waste to his lands with your mighty horde! Despoil his people! Salt the earth as you pass! Then face him in single combat within a ring of swords. One dagger, two men, STRONG TRUTH!
 
 
The resistable rise of Reidcourchie
12:50 / 23.02.06
Alternatively you could buy her a kitten.
 
 
The resistable rise of Reidcourchie
13:01 / 23.02.06
What part should my Great Axe play during foreplay? And how can I stop it from rusting as a result?
 
 
Evil Scientist
13:02 / 23.02.06
WHAT IS THIS TALK OF BUYING? ARE WE WEAK SOUTHMEN? PETTY MERCHANTS? NAY! WE ARE BARBARIANS AND SHOULD WE CHOOSE TO GIFT OUR WOMEN WITH SMALL CUTE ANIMALS THEN WE PILLAGE THEM FROM THE TOWNSHIPS AND LEAVE ONLY FIRE AND ASH IN OUR WAKE!
 
 
Dead Megatron
13:02 / 23.02.06
Or slay a red dragon (CR 35) and bring her the carcass
 
 
Evil Scientist
13:05 / 23.02.06
IS IT NOT SAID THAT THE SLAYING OF DRAGONS AND THE LOVING OF WOMEN ARE MUCH THE SAME? YOU MUST FIND THE RIGHT SPOT IN YOUR ENDEVOURS OR ALL IS LOST!
 
 
The resistable rise of Reidcourchie
13:13 / 23.02.06
You're less likely to be set on fire when slaying a dragon.

That's settled it though, I'm going to slay a red kitten to impress my love, well I say love I mean potential ravagee.
 
 
Elijah, Freelance Rabbi
13:25 / 23.02.06
I think I have found MerCrom, the hermit which dwells in the cave, but I am unsure what do now. I attempted smashing the hermit with my mace, but the wench was less then thrilled.

I have also heard stories of a small man in a boat, but I do not know if that is just a myth.
 
 
The resistable rise of Reidcourchie
13:42 / 23.02.06
The little man in a boat is not a myth, I have seen him. He is called Karduggan or sometimes simply Malcolm, though when he was called Malcolm he looked different as did his boat and it was in a different place from wence I saw him first but lo, he was still the small man in a boat. To seek him travel south until your boots grow moist from inclement weather. If you are already in the south with moist boots then...er seek him in the North but always seek him with boot moisture.
 
 
The resistable rise of Reidcourchie
13:44 / 23.02.06
"WHAT IS THIS TALK OF BUYING? ARE WE WEAK SOUTHMEN? PETTY MERCHANTS? NAY! WE ARE BARBARIANS AND SHOULD WE CHOOSE TO GIFT OUR WOMEN WITH SMALL CUTE ANIMALS THEN WE PILLAGE THEM FROM THE TOWNSHIPS AND LEAVE ONLY FIRE AND ASH IN OUR WAKE!"

This isn't the Victim Of Barbarian Violence Support Network is it?
 
 
Phex: Dorset Doom
19:46 / 23.02.06
VIOLENCE SUPPORT NETWORK? WHAT NEED DOES A TRUE WARRIOR HAVE OF SUCH A THING? CRUSHING YOUR ENEMIES IS WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE AND NO WARRIOR WILL WEEP BEFORE A SUPPORT GROUP, EVEN IF COFFEE AND BISCUITS ARE PLENTIFUL.

NOW, TO ANSWER YOUR CONFIDENTAL QUESTIONS:

CONFUSED IN C'ROW'DUND: FILL YOUR INVENTORY WITH AS MANY POTIONS OF HEALING AS YOU CAN CARRY. ALSO YOU WILL NEED SOME KIND OF LUBRICANT.
MIFFED IN MOLTEN CORE: ONLY WEAPONS BLESSED WITH STRONG MAGICS CAN HARM THE UNDEAD, SO I WOULD ASSUME YOU'LL HAVE TO HAVE A MAGICAL PENIS IF YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM. IS YOUR PENIS MAGICAL? IF NOT, A DRUID WILL HAPPILY CARVE MANY RUNES INTO IT, BUT ASK AROUND FOR THE BEST PRICE.
BEFUDDLED IN BR'OAHG'UH: THOUGH A MAN MAY BECOME LONELY WHEN RIDING THE BALEFUL WASTES OF KKRHB'HK, WHAT YOU DID WAS DEFINITELY NOT NORMAL, AND YOU SHOULD FEEL ASHAMED FOR MANY SEASONS TO COME.


Barbarian Sex Advice is syndicated in over fifty national publications, Gagmar the Barbarian is also the author of 'Capture-bonded for life: what the books of Gor can teach us',(c) 2003, Doubleday press.
 
 
Olulabelle
19:52 / 23.02.06
VERILY ALL MEN MUST HEAR THAT BUYING A KITTEN WILL NOT DO AS MUCH TO PERSUADE YOUR WENCH TO LEAD YOU TO THE BED OF FURS AS SOMETIMES SPONTANEOUSLY DOING THE WASHING UP WILL.
 
 
Saltation
20:18 / 23.02.06
The TRUE Violence Support Network cheers and encourages your violence, without ever undermining it or seeking to change you, to better suit their own needs!

BEWARE PASSIVE-BARBARIANISM!
 
 
Ganesh
20:26 / 23.02.06
KITTENS BE CUR-SED. SURPRISE HER WITH A PUPPY. T'WILL KEEP A MAN UP ALL CHRISTMAS EVE (TWO YEARS AGO).
 
 
Dead Megatron
20:54 / 23.02.06
MAN CANNOT TALK ABOUT SEX WITHOUT THINKING OF KITTENS.

MMMM, PRETTY LITTLE KITTENS
 
 
The resistable rise of Reidcourchie
08:12 / 24.02.06
"VERILY ALL MEN MUST HEAR THAT BUYING A KITTEN WILL NOT DO AS MUCH TO PERSUADE YOUR WENCH TO LEAD YOU TO THE BED OF FURS AS SOMETIMES SPONTANEOUSLY DOING THE WASHING UP WILL."

Following this advice I heroicly slew the washing up with my magical (well the cunning Dwarf that sold it to me said it was magical but some of the magic seems to have wiped off) great axe Petal. For some reason this only seemed to infurite my wench more. Verily there is no pleasing some people.

What advice doth you have for dealing with multiple paternity suits from the viallage of Neeble that my horde and I put to the axe some three years hence? I will fight any man or monster, look them straight in the eye with Petal grasped firmly in my hand. Lest they be a bailiff, I challenge any to say they have bested the foul magic of a bailiff and if they say they have I will mark them a liar and spit in their eye, curdle their milk and trample their prize geraniums.
 
 
Baobab Branches and Plastic
08:31 / 24.02.06
What is all this!
'Crush your enemies and hear the lamentation of their women' thats all you need to know.

Semantics of what is meant by 'lamentation' is very unbarbarian. want=take and by this rule the strong shall survive.

Enough, I think I left an enemy on the stove.
 
 
Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero
08:38 / 24.02.06
WHILE IT MAY SEEM ROMANTIC TO COMPARE YOUR LOVE'S BEAUTY TO THAT OF THE SHINING MOON, A MAN SHOULD NOT CLAIM THAT THEIR HIND "IS AS BIG AND BEAUTIFUL AS THE MOON".

VERILY IT IS NOT AS ROMANTIC AS IT SOUNDS IN A MAN'S HEAD, AND NO AMOUNT OF WASHING UP WILL LEAD A MAN BACK TO THE BED OF FUR FOR AT LEAST A FEW HOURS.
 
 
Olulabelle
08:56 / 24.02.06
STRONG TRUTH INDEED.
 
  
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