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leans on the heavy grey thickness to stare west
the beginning of that phrase, i'm thinking that he's leaning more metaphorically into the atmosphere or the view, but i guess he's leaning into the bridge. just a confusing bit.
A stiff and tattering card or photo or paper hides in his hands, restlessly vague hands. It turns, flips, turns, holds. He's staring at it but not with his eyes.
subject changes from the paper to the character too quickly. the paper acts ("hides"), then it turns, then he's staring at it. i would say: commit to one point of view.
you have: "sun is shining...day is warm...shoes scuff...children scream" but you also have "cameras are clicking, smiles are donned." go with the active phrases, kill the passive phrases. cameras click, smiles appear (or something). be consistent, it will quicken the pace.
twice you qualify things ("or at least a horizon", "almost stiller"). this deadens the effect. instead, describe another horizon, or more perfectly describe his stillness.
i like the "he walks fast and heavy" and "we churning commuter mass". i think those work, even tho they are non conventional phrases. reconsider "land" in "he never sees it land," because giving that a more liquid description might add life to it.
overall, things seem to happen to him instead of him acting on things - his gaze falls, for instance. why does it fall? what is it about his relationship to the card that is making him avoid looking at it? doesnt have to be precise, just more active (i think). |
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