Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.

Underground > Conversation >

In Real (Personal) Life conflicts

All Acting Regiment

17:22 / 11.02.06

Originally I was going to come and ryb up agianst the 'lith for some advice but I figured this thread could be for everyone, so it is. I'm going ot give my gripe and then feel free to chime in with yours or suggest a solution. It's going to be a bit like the questions and answers thread but more serious.

All this week I've been hearing one of my flat-mates (unchosen and unknown before I moved in, we were all randomly thrown together) moaning about the state of the shared kitchen to his girlfriend: it's messy, there's pots and pans out, etcetera, which he attributes to "the other three", which includes me.

And he's right, up to a point. It is messy, and in the past that's been my bad for microwaving stuff when I'm drunk and not realising I've left a mess. But at the moment none of the mess is mine, and hasn't been for a month.

The issues here:

-I hear him complain a lot generally about the state of the place, people's behaviour etcetera to the ladyfriend, but not to any of us, and seeing as it's us he's complaining about that seems a bit passive agressive

-He's a good two/three years older than us, and we're all students while he has a job. In fact, the whole building is advertised exclusively to students. Which is not to say that everything's okay, just that to an extent you'd think he might expect some of this, and actually we're not as bad as some

-He hasn't made any attempt to build friendships within our flat. It's almost as if he sees us as some sort of occupational hazard, or at least his actions and demeanour give that impression

So then. How to deal? Is it even worth bringing the subject up with him?

17:29 / 11.02.06

Do you not have 'flat meetings' now and then to have a good old moan about this stuff and at least get it ventilated? Would be a good idea, if you don't.

Or you could go for the more devious route (that I'd prefer). Hire a hitman to take him out - while you're out at the pictures, making an alibi.

Elijah, Freelance Rabbi

17:34 / 11.02.06

I dont have any advice to give on this, since I have never really shared a place with anyone I wasn't related to or having relations with, but I did want to mention a friend of mine.

I know these 2 guys who have been roomates forever, and the both have blogs. One of them, about once a week, in the course of blogging, makes some reference to his flat mate not doing dishes, or something. I don't know if he ever calls him on it, but if he doesn't, it seems very unhealthy to me.

My suggestion would be to meet passive aggressive with passiver aggression, and start putting stickers with your name on it on post and pans you use, that way if theres a dirty pan without your name on it, you can feel secure he knows it isn't you.

In reality, having a "house meeting" about the state of the place, if it is really fugly, might be a good way to start. Then he doesn't feel that you guys are ganging up on him, because you could bring up the issues without mentioning that he complains to his GF.

17:47 / 11.02.06

Have you considered cleaning the kitchen?

I don't see why you're having a go at this guy for complaining about a messy kitchen when you have admitted that it's messy. But he shouldn't complain because you're students and he should expect it?

Sharing a house requires people to take responsibility for their own mess and do something about it. Perhaps you could start a thread about how to speak to the kitchen dirtiers rather than a thread about how to confront the guy who you've already admitted has a legitimate grievance.

Elijah, Freelance Rabbi

17:53 / 11.02.06

Have you considered cleaning the kitchen?

Yes, but then he doesn't win.

17:54 / 11.02.06

(off-topic, but, as Ganesh mentioned in another thread, the term "lady" / "ladyfriend" is just ... icky. I'm not "offended," it's more like a fingernails on a chalkboard, or a piece of tinfoil on the teeth, kind of thing.)

18:03 / 11.02.06

Have you not seen the Big Lebowski?

All Acting Regiment

18:09 / 11.02.06

Xoc- Do you not have 'flat meetings' now and then to have a good old moan about this stuff and at least get it ventilated? Would be a good idea, if you don't.

Now that would be a good idea. I may well look into this.

Elijah- I know these 2 guys who have been roomates forever, and the both have blogs. One of them, about once a week, in the course of blogging, makes some reference to his flat mate not doing dishes, or something. I don't know if he ever calls him on it, but if he doesn't, it seems very unhealthy to me.

Probably a case for a quiet word with the blogger, just to check that unpleasantness isn't festering away there.

Loomis- I don't see why you're having a go at this guy for complaining about a messy kitchen when you have admitted that it's messy. But he shouldn't complain because you're students and he should expect it?

I'm not having a go at him, though reading through my first post it does come across as though I'm ignoring the kitchen dirtiers and focussing on him.

I'm trying to avoid anyone having any gos at anyone. It's not the guy, it's the possible developing situation.

I have tidied the kitchen before, and always keep it tidy after using it, at least as far as putting my stuff away- as should everyone else, which it seems they're not; which means his complaint is legit, the problem is he's not making his complaints known in a helpful way.

I also don't mean to say that he should expect and put up with a dirty kitchen or general student behaviour because we're students. The fact is, he has a nice little earner working at a laboratory and yet still chooses to live in (company owned) student halls- okay, I'm sure it's not as simple as him choosing to live here, but it just seems bizarre that someone at that level of maturity would live here, get pissed off and just let it stew away like that.

All Acting Regiment

18:11 / 11.02.06

Alas- (off-topic, but, as Ganesh mentioned in another thread, the term "lady" / "ladyfriend" is just ... icky. I'm not "offended," it's more like a fingernails on a chalkboard, or a piece of tinfoil on the teeth, kind of thing.)

I know, sorry, it's slipped into my vocab in an ironic fashion and put down roots. I'll try and kill it.

18:14 / 11.02.06

That´s exactly what I´m thinking of, everytime ladyfriend rears its head. And if you type in ladyfriend lebowski @ google, you get 35.700 hits. So we´re not only ones hearing ladyfriend and thinking Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?

18:48 / 11.02.06

(I have seen the Big Lebowski, don't apparently remember the line in question, still hate the word, thxs Legba for the effort...)

21:03 / 11.02.06

(I'd only ever use "lady" ironically btw, and even then sparingly. The fingernails down chalkboard effect is *part* of the humour, of course, especially when it seemed so apposite for the thread you refer to.

I thought Ganesh was being a teensy bit picky to request specific signals for that particular use of irony, but maybe I should bear in mind that not everyone has that same BigL association. Ahem, yes, back to the thread.)

21:30 / 11.02.06

Is his complaining to his gf really passive aggressive? I mean, does he clearly know that you can hear his moaning, or have you just happened to overhear private conversations? I ask because, if the latter, then I'd suggest he isn't being passive aggressive (I appreciate you might have other reasons for your accusation, which you haven't mentioned).

Thought that was worth pointing out as if you are unfairly ascribing bad behaviour to him you'd do well to see past it.

Tryphena Absent

22:40 / 11.02.06

Why doesn't he clean the kitchen if it's bothering him? Is it so messy that it would take him more than an hour?

00:56 / 12.02.06

As I read it, you want suggestions on how to create an atmosphere in your flat in which problems can be talked out, and this kitchen thing is just an example. If I read that correctly, I'd second the suggestion above about having regular meetings. It's entirely possible that other people have issues as well, ones you happpen not to overhear. Also, in my experience if you have a chat on a regular basis it makes the things you bring up seem less like a big deal that people need to get upset over, and more like a fixable annoyance.

Good luck.

01:10 / 12.02.06

I thought Ganesh was being a teensy bit picky to request specific signals for that particular use of irony, but maybe I should bear in mind that not everyone has that same BigL association.

Never seen the film, and was actually getting mildly eyerolley in t'other thread (the 'should I ask her father' one) about Nick using phrase "his lady" in an apparently not-ironic-in-the-slightest manner.

"Ladyfriend" is more risible, especially when run together into a single word (cf "ladygarden").

01:12 / 12.02.06

Oh yeah, and either clean the sodding pans or learn to live with being thought of as a slob (I generally go with the latter).

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

01:32 / 12.02.06

I used to go with Ganesh's second option, then I discovered the joys of not sharing a house with loads of people at all!

(Although I understand there are probably financial reasons why that's not an option).

13:11 / 13.02.06

he has a nice little earner working at a laboratory and yet still chooses to live in (company owned) student halls- okay, I'm sure it's not as simple as him choosing to live here, but it just seems bizarre that someone at that level of maturity would live here, get pissed off and just let it stew away like that.

Er, isn’t that, like, a council tax dodge? Dunno how halls work, but I thought private-sector 'student houses' are exempt from council tax, and that’s why there aren’t normally mixed student/working shared household-type arrangements all over the place. Or something.

(...I might be ten years out date with this “dodge”, of course. Which might be bullshit anyway. But, just saying that you might all be doing him a big favour, however messy your kitchen is, and that's why he's putting up with it. In which case you might want to see how far you can push it, see if he'll rock the boat if you start eating his food, or whatever.)

But, really. This only needs to be your problem if he’s at all likely to leave over an uncleaned kitchen, and if his leaving will then lumber the rest of you with extra rent or unpaid bills. Otherwise, I’d say majority rules until he engages enough to persuade you all otherwise.

All Acting Regiment

13:29 / 13.02.06

Aye, that's what I've been thinking.

Now come on, who's next? I'm in an advice giving mood.

14:22 / 13.02.06

My flatmate isn't talking to me. (Which is perfectly okay because as I've come to know him I've also come to understand a deep rooted dislike for him.) But is this not-talking-to-me thing coming to a head? Is he gearing up to something? These things usually end in tears don't they? Should I sharpen my bayonet?
And also it seems counter-intuitive not to resolve the tensions but at the same time I'm really enjoying new found peace and quiet....

All Acting Regiment

14:25 / 13.02.06

Different relationships contain different types of communication; which is to say that a healthy relationship isn't neccesarily a talkative one. However, yours with your flatmate doesn't sound like either.

14:28 / 13.02.06

Yeppers, there isn't really any dynamic established other than hate-hate.

14:58 / 13.02.06

Well, moving out is always a good option.

22:02 / 13.02.06

Soon, soon, when my lease runs out. I'm pretty sorry I posted the above at all as I'm pretty alright with the situation as is but I've made a solemn oath with myself not to rant about him to mutual friends so I just used this as an opportunity to vent. Once again sorry. Someone else please continue with a resolvable conflict.

The Return Of Rothkoid

01:48 / 14.02.06

How have people dealt with flatmates' horrid sense of interior decoration in communal spaces? This isn't affecting me at the moment (as I don't live with flatmates now) but it has in the past, and I'm curious as to whether my tack was good, or a little overstated. (Much like when I threatened that people had to learn to wash my new knives up and put them away properly when using them, lest they be found pinned to their mattresses with them.)

03:02 / 14.02.06

Legba - Perhaps you flatmate doesn`t mind the mess but his friend does. He may just be embarrassed.

Despicable - Polite and nice till the end of lease.

Rothkoid - Sedate. Remove the eyelids and glue them to a wall ( person...not eyelids..unless they are pretty eyelids.. then do both). Make sure that the only thing they can see is the offending decoration. Be sure to leave a hand free so they can reach the fuel air explosive grenade. If they have very bad taste an IV drip may be needed. Sleep should not be an escape ,xstal meth....when thay set off the grenade you know that they have seen the light.

All Acting Regiment

06:49 / 14.02.06

With decoration, it depends, I suppose, on how permanent it is. Posters of Joss Stone, foe example, aren't really such a bad thing, even though there is, pardon my expression, a rather prominent camel's toe at eye level when I'm trying to make a biriani.

Far more troubling is paint and such.