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Dead Letter Office

HCE

14:01 / 11.02.06

Dear troop of adorable five-year-olds,

You seemed to be enjoying your ride in the convertible. Thank you for waving madly at everybody driving by, and thank you for whooping when I waved back. You helped turn around an otherwise lousy day.

Cheers,
fred

bacon

14:50 / 11.02.06

Dear God,

Please make Uncle Danny stop licking my woo-woo.

Love Bobby

All Acting Regiment

14:53 / 11.02.06

Dear cats

Please will you kill and eat "Teh" mouse. It's what you're supposed to be for, along with wuffle scrumptiousness and all that. "Teh" mouse has been hanging around for too long now. To the point where it's now called "Teh" mouse.

paranoidwriter waves hello

15:06 / 11.02.06

All Mighty Dog:

I thought I was doing a service to the canine community when I let that cute little Jack Russell, L****, sleep on my bed for a few hours last night, while her human companion went to the pub. So, can you please tell me why L**** decided to repay my hospitality by pissing on my bed like a drunken teenager dreaming of a warm ocean? It's not as though she tried to tell me she wanted to go out: she didn't go near the door or sniff around or give any other doggy signal; she just lay there, warm, comfortable, half-asleep, silently pissing.

Why?

Your humble servant,

p.w

Persephone

15:12 / 11.02.06

Dear D. Ho,

Are you changing your name back to Fred? Because I never told you that I think Fred is an incredibly sexy name for a woman. I mean, this was before I ever watched Angel. I never told you because I didn't want you to think I was a weird stalker.

Breathlessly,
Pseph

bacon

15:20 / 11.02.06

can i get a ruling here

that last message was not only deliverable, but actually delivered

Elijah, Freelance Rabbi

15:56 / 11.02.06

ohhh good point.

Dear Santa,

I know I am Jewish, but would it have killed you to make one tiny pitstop in the first 11 years of my life? And what about the Israelis and Palestinians? Maybe if Gaza was littered with presents every Dec 25th it wouldn't be littered with bodies on the 26th,

Elijah

alas

17:23 / 11.02.06

Dear Unnamed Narrator:

I would prefer not to.

Sincerely,
Bartleby

HCE

20:36 / 11.02.06

I did get some mail for somebody named D. Ho, but I marked it "return to sender -- address unknown."

Dear rocks and small flowers,

Thank you for keeping me company while the more athletic Dykes Who Hike made the long trek up the mountain. It was a pleasure to spend time contemplating your beauty rather than puking my guts out, as it seemed might happen had I pushed that particular exercise in machismo any farther.

Su amiga,
f.

Mourne Kransky

21:01 / 11.02.06

Dear cats,

You may not have noticed, being cats, that I'm a chap of burly, beary build and have to be careful what I eat. There's really no need, then, for you two suddenly to begin catching and killing mice and leaving them in the centre of the dining table for us to find. It is really too kind of you to augment our previously rodent-free diet but it is also a bit of a shock, given that you've shown no talent for this in the entire decade just past. Not a single recipé for mouse in the whole of Delia Smith, either.

I suppose it's the thought that counts, though, so cheers.

Whisky Priestess

21:04 / 11.02.06

Dear little patch of eczema or leprosy under my left eye,

Do you think you could fuck off to somewhere, or ideally someone else? It's just that Valentine's Day is coming up and I don't want it to look like he beats me, or attacks me with a cheesegrater, or something.

Cheers. (The right big toe would be nice for a holiday, don't you think?)

WP

Mourne Kransky

21:13 / 11.02.06

ps Have you been reading the Lith while I'm out and being fired up by Legba's mouse-killing exhortations?

astrojax69

09:03 / 12.02.06

dear world

goodbye!

probably not worth signing this, is there?

ONLY NICE THINGS

09:52 / 12.02.06

Dear New Statesman,

I would rather not read an exposé of what goes on in the UK's flagship hospitals, if it's all the same to you, thanks. Further, you may wish to tell your book reviewers that going on about the dignity conferred by being non-ambulatory disabled in the Soviet Union without support or healthcare (compared to the weak, undignified disabled of the West) marks them out as first for slapping.

Yours aye,

T.

Earlier than I thought

11:08 / 12.02.06

Dear Al,

You are, without a shadow of a doubt, easily the biggest twat I've met in the last five years and that includes the woman who thought eugenics was a good idea. I thought it was especially effective when, on hearing someone's appalling personal tragedy, you countered by saying you'd just had a bad day at work. Genius.

Keep up the good work! If I end up punching you, I'd like you to see it as a kind of achievement award. Something for you to aim for, if you will.

With much un-love,

D

Ganesh

11:12 / 12.02.06

Dear CW,

I'm sorry that he hit you with a full can of Coke. It's no joke.

B & S

unheimlich manoeuvre

11:22 / 12.02.06

Dear Grandad
I came to visit you that Sunday, at Watford General, like I said I would. Even though I doubt you understood.
The curtains were drawn. I thought the nurses were giving you a bed bath. You looked peaceful.

I miss you.
J

HCE

13:50 / 12.02.06

Dear nurses who care and do a good job,

Thank you for taking care of our people. They mean a lot to us.

Sincerely,
f.

Mistoffelees

15:10 / 12.02.06

offtopic

Dear CW,
I'm sorry that he hit you with a full can of Coke. It's no joke.
B & S

Ganesh, that woman on the (back) cover of the cd was a real waitress from Berlin. B&S had a contest, and she won the CW award and got on the cover. When her boss found out, she got fired!

/offtopic

Alex's Grandma

19:24 / 12.02.06

Drear Miss Marple;

Bugger off, you deranged, intrusive and disgusting old reptile. Your comments are not welcome. And any insinuations you have to make about my gentleman friend's tragically deceased wife and my home-made asparagus scones may be sent directly to my lawyers, Messrs. Phuq, Orff and Dye at the usual address.

Yours meddlingly,

The "common-law wife" of the old chap from the Werther's Original advert

electric monk

12:14 / 13.02.06

Dear Vice-President Dick Cheney's Hunting Buddies (both present and future),

Look, just shut the f*&% up about the wiretapping and Iraq and Katrina and the Plame thing, alright? Jeeeeeeez.

Sincerely,
Lynne

Bed Head

15:21 / 18.02.06

Dear ebay fuckwits:

The pair of you are really pissing me off. Outbidding each other all week long, always five pounds at a time, like a pair of fucking idiots.

Why? What is the point of being the ‘top bidder’ right now? The auction doesn’t finish for another 24 hours. Just make one bid, your *maximum* bid, in the last minute, and you needn’t bother with all this nonsense in the meantime. All you’re doing right now is pushing the price up for everyone.

I wouldn’t moan, but this one is important. Neither of you will be winning this thing, it'll be me or one of the other bidders who are all watching and waiting and wondering why you're being such nutsacks. If you don’t think you can manage to stop outbidding each other, perhaps you could both just agree to go offline, meet up, make out and/or get the fuck out of the way for the next 24 hours? That’d be great, too.

Love, Bed.

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