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The sadness and depression thread

  
 
Our Lady Has Left the Building
17:51 / 01.02.06
If my grandfather had survived, yesterday would have been his 100th birthday. 'Who do you think you are?' and a collection of photographs that belonged to his wife, my Nan, who died a couple of years ago, have made me think about my forebears.

Then I watch the Stephen Fry episode where it turns out that one side of his family was almost all wiped out by the Holocaust and I'm really bummed out.

Some of us don't know we're fucking born.
 
 
Dead Megatron
18:01 / 01.02.06
I do get down from time to time. Nothing that can be called "clinicaly depressed", but still. Anyway, when I feel the Shadow coming down on me, I put "Don't worry, Be happy" on repeat in my cd-player and listen for a couple of hours, maybe even dance by myself a little. As lame as it may sound, it works for me, and that's good enough...

"No matter how shitty life may get, it's still better than the alternative"

In other words, friends, never give up
 
 
bacon
18:11 / 01.02.06
i'm having trouble telling if this is satire or not, my sarcasm sensor's not registering anything
 
 
Dead Megatron
18:21 / 01.02.06
don't know 'bout others, but I'm being serious.
 
 
bacon
18:30 / 01.02.06
are you sincerely being serious or is your seriousness feigned as far as your sincerity is concerned
 
 
Mourne Kransky
18:30 / 01.02.06
No sarcasm detected. I saw the Stephen Fry piece too, Flowers, and it was shocking. It was really sad to hear his mother say, I would just like to know the names of those children. Excellent documentary.

My grandfather was coeval with yours, and Fry's, and it is sobering when you look at the entirety of the life he led. I'm sure there was joy at points but, by God, there was hardship I've never had to face.

He felt the same way though. He remembered how his grandfather had died in the workhouse, a pauper, and that haunted him all his life, giving him the same perspective that I get from his example.
 
 
ShadowSax
18:43 / 01.02.06
it's usually not good to start comparing one's woes to others' woes. life is suffering, to quote the big fat smiley guy. i think it goes easier when we accept our suffering and then try to deal with it, as opposed to insisting we cannot feel the way we feel because there are others who had it worse.
 
 
Mourne Kransky
18:49 / 01.02.06
Nobody's insisting you cannot feel the way you feel because there are others who had it worse. You wallow in your misery all you like. I shall continue, however, to think that, compared to Stephen's Fry's grandfather's family who all died horribly in Buchenwald, I've had a fairly good crack of the whip.
 
 
Char Aina
19:57 / 01.02.06
i am saddened when i think of my grandmother's age, and her avowed intent to keep the smoking and dinghy the yoga.
i feel as though braced for the inevitable bad news, and i worry that i wont show her something worthy of me before i lose her.

i also keep tearing-up writing this.

my gran has built the floor i stand on more than any other member in my family that i am aware of, and she is possibly the best person the world has ever shown me.

i would appreciate it if people would steer clear of telling me about the value of suffering and the strength that comes from adversity. i dont really care what you believe when it comes to my hero, and i am liable to hold it against you for a very long time.
 
 
bacon
20:04 / 01.02.06
sorry to interrupt again, but could i possibly get a translation of this: "keep the smoking and dinghy the yoga" from whatever dialect it may be into american english, or proper english as i like to call it
 
 
Char Aina
20:31 / 01.02.06
dinghy.

to place something in a dinghy suggests a desire to be rid of it, and so 'dinghy' is used in scotland as a verb menaing to get rid of or ignore.

-did'ye get doon na'dancin?
-naw, ah dinghied it.
-aye. it wiz shite anywuy. fancy a gayma fifa?
 
 
bacon
20:36 / 01.02.06
i see

thank you
 
 
electric monk
14:52 / 03.02.06
i also keep tearing-up writing this.

*hugs toksik




I am honestly hating the idea of airing my bullshit right now, but am at the same time laboring under the hope (however stupid) that if I write this down and put it here, then maybe this post can act as a little container for all this shit and I can get on with getting on.

I am so fucking sad. I feel like a dry husk of human and that bits of me are blowing away in these adverse winds. I am still unemployed and taking in freelance design work. Every temp-to-perm job I go on sends me out the door after a week or two with a pat on the back and a hearty "Sorry, we just don't have the work to justify keeping you around" or "Sorry, you just don't have the experience that we're looking for". I've spent this week taking care of my son at home, as he's got developing ear infection. Believe me when I say that I love the little guy with more love than I ever thought possible. But he's been completely miserable, almost inconsolable, and hasn't been eating or sleeping like he needs to. There have been no restful moments for me in the entire week. I can barely get five minutes for a cigarette before he's crying again. I've found myself wishing I could just drop him off at the day care facility and simultaneously feeling guilty for wanting to pawn my sick child off on someone else. He needs me so very much, and I just feel totally inadequate in the face of this need.

My wife is absolutely miserable herself and dealing with her own very serious problem. I want so much to be a rock for her and to take care of her when she comes home from work (and I do), but part of me feels resentful about this. (Okay, crying now. Fucking great.) She has been a help when I've really needed it (thank you thank you thank you, baby!), but again I have very little time for me and am shit for companionship because I'm so fucking tired by the time she gets home. I have talked to her about how I've felt, and she's been more supportive than I probably deserve, but the talking hasn't helped and I really don't want to rehash my shit every night (tho I probably will again tonight).

Just came back from another interview, and left feeling like there's no way I'll get a callback for a second interview. I think I did everything right, but the interviewer was just impenetrable. I got no "good interview" indication from him. It would probably be a good job, but I feel very little confidence in either myself or my skill set.

God, it feel so wonderful and so terrible to cry like this. I'm absolutely writing without fetters right now and I'm sorry for how all this may sound and I'm sorry to put this out where others may see it and I'm sorry if you're reading this right now. I don't even know if I should hit the 'post reply' button right now. I don't know what I expect from this and I honestly can't imagine what you'll think of me. All this just needs a place to go, because I just don't want it anymore. Sorry. Sorry.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
15:05 / 03.02.06
No need to apologise. I'm very sorry that you're having such a rotten time, and you're more than welcome to share whatever you want to; that's why the thread's here.
 
 
Mourne Kransky
15:25 / 03.02.06
I honestly can't imagine what you'll think of me.

What we'll think of you is you're the same interesting, capable, intelligent and compassionate chap we see contributing all over the board and you're having a really crap time just now. We'd all feel the way you do in the same circumstances but there are better times ahead. That's not glib optimism, the pendulum always swings.
 
 
_Boboss
15:28 / 03.02.06
at the moment monk, you are the living sum of ian ogilvy + roger moore x val kilmer - very impressed by the rawness of your post, and my heart goes out to you and yours. just hold on, it won't last forever.
 
 
electric monk
15:56 / 03.02.06
Haus, thanks very much. I have a very hard time sharing things like this with anyone, IRL or online. You've bumped my trust levels up quite a bit, and I'm very grateful for that.

Xoc, you're really much too kind, but you have managed to tug a smile out of me when I didn't think that was possible. Much appreciated.

Gumbitch, thank you too. I know you're right, and I will try to keep that in mind. The "it won't last forever" thing, that is. Not the ogilvy/moore/kilmer equation.
 
 
paranoidwriter waves hello
16:14 / 03.02.06
My heart goes out to you, monk.

Doubt this helps, but: I had a conversation with with my Mum once about how hard things were for my parents when my sibling and I were nippers, and she admitted she'd often entertained the fantasy of running away and escaping us for good. What I mean is, my Mum was (and still is) a Super-Mum and trust me, if she was tempted, then anyone can be. I bet every parent has similar thoughts at some point or other, especially when they're exhausted and feeling drained of hope. Wanting five minutes peace to relax and gather strength is natural, whether you're a parent or not, and certainly doesn't make you inadequate.

Indeed, from where I'm standing it sounds as though you're doing everything RIGHT. You're working, looking for more permanent work, and obviously trying to be the best Dad you can be. That's highly commendable, and your son is lucky he's got such a great father.

I sincerely hope none of this sounds glib or patronising, and I pray you get a break soon.

Hang in there. As Xoc said:

the pendulum always swings.
 
 
miss wonderstarr
16:15 / 03.02.06
Monk, I feel I have a low tolerance of anything that sounds like self-indulgence, and a cynicism that approaches selfish insensitivity. I don't consider myself a sucker for sob-stories.

But reading your post, my impression was that you are a hero.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
16:27 / 03.02.06
What they said, monk. You're a very cool bloke and--though it might not be much comfort now--this too shall pass.
 
 
Shrug
17:02 / 03.02.06
Monk commiserations, inner ear infections tend to be both aggravating and painful, caring for a, I'm assuming, pre-verbal child or at least very young child with one must be particularly terrible.
And for all the other stuff I'm sorry too.
You need to catch a break sometime and eventually you will.
Also, I think that you've built up a good reputation with alot of people on the board (me included) and there isn't any way a heartfelt post like this detailing some truly difficult circumstances could change that.
 
 
electric monk
18:47 / 03.02.06
Running a risk of "it's all about me-ness" here, but ah well. One more and then let's talk about our turn-ons or something, yeah?

PW, that actually helps a great deal. I've served myself up heaping helpings of guilt over the last couple of days, and reading about your mum eases that. And no, I don't get "glib" from you at all. You have my sincere thanks.

kovacs, writing the above felt very sobby and self-indulgent so I'm glad it didn't come off that way. Hero? I dunno about that, man, but I appreciate you saying so.

Mordant, blessings to you. You do so much around these parts, and I'm so thankful you're here. I just...thank you.

Shrug - Yeah, he's nine months old and has only mastered two words, "mama" and "dada". The latter's been a balm for my soul lately, lemme tell ya. Thanks sincerely for the well-wishes.

Also, I think that you've built up a good reputation with alot of people on the board (me included) and there isn't any way a heartfelt post like this detailing some truly difficult circumstances could change that.

You don't know how much it means to me to read that. Thank you!



Huuuuge thanks once more to everyone who posted here or sent me PM's today. What started out as a REAL CRAP day has shaded over into quite an amazing one. To feel this cared for and valued(!) by the community has done my heart and soul a world of good. As I said earlier, these feelings are not something I normally let out and, TBH, immediately after hitting the Post button, I thoroughly chastised myself, cried, said "fuck" a lot and hoped liek hell that the thread would just drop out of sight. The fact that it didn't because you all wouldn't let it... I'm just overwhelmed.

Baby Boy is home from day care (had to send him so I could go interview) and asleep in his crib, so I'm going to try to sneak a ciggie before he wakes up. Have a great rest of the day, Barbelith, and know that you have my undying gratitude.
 
 
All Acting Regiment
22:36 / 03.02.06
sorry to interrupt again, but could i possibly get a translation of this: "keep the smoking and dinghy the yoga" from whatever dialect it may be into american english, or proper english as i like to call it

Interesting decision, that. Might make a good thread.
 
  
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