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How to fight Godzilla

08:06 / 24.01.06

Forget all this dog stuff, you whiny bitches, let's have a proper fight topic. A giant, radioactive dragon who can breath fire and destroys Tokyo on a regular basis is after you. How do you defend yourself, eh?

Me, I would just stick the nut on 'im. Cos I'm 'ard, me. I wouldn't want to do it, but if Gojira comes over to me, starts givin' it the old lip and going on about how he reckons I'm a poof, what choice am I gonna 'ave, eh? I'm not havin' some giant lizard come along an' make me look stupid in front of me bird. What Mr King of Monster Island wants to remember is, I've been trained by the SAS*, so if he starts, he better be ready for me to unleash hell.

But you lot, obviously, Godzilla's gonna be less intimidated by you, so you're gonna need some other way to beat him than just headbutting the cunt into oblivion. He doesn't seem to have genitalia, so that's your usual tactic fucked. I reckon yer best bet is to climb up his back (all those spines make tasty handholds, I reckon), the jab him in the eyes, both thumbs, no messin'. But be sure to do it from the top of his head, if you're too close to his mouth you're toast.

Any other ideas, yer bunch of dog-fearin' poofs?

08:08 / 24.01.06

*Super Army Soldiers, by the way, is what it stands for? I bet yer didn't know that, did yer? Poofs.

I've had that King Ghidorah, me. I'm not afraid of some mutated fuckin' dinosaur. Easy!

08:10 / 24.01.06

Are you from Scotland?

Our Lady Has Left the Building

08:39 / 24.01.06

If you have to fight your opponant, you have already lost.

08:46 / 24.01.06

is this your standard seafaring Godzilla, or a Stealth-Camouflage
Bunny-Zilla?

10:10 / 24.01.06

FULL NUCLEAR RESPONSE, MAN!

10:29 / 24.01.06

Being as I'm from Planet X and wish to steal all of Earth's water, I'll simply use mind control on the big lug and turn him on Tokyo. That oughta do it.

At least until some canny Japanese scientist heros disrupt the signal and he come back my way with beatings on his mind.

But that's why I pay King Gidorah the big bucks. He'll go upside of 'Zilla's head whilst I escape to Moon Man City and claim political asylum.

lord nuneaton savage

10:33 / 24.01.06

Airships. Bloody hundreds of them. Yep, they're slow but it would look spectacular.

"BOMBS AWAAAAAY!"

Mon Oncle Ignatius

10:36 / 24.01.06

Damn. The black helicopters are all grounded due to maintenance issues with the spare parts suppliers. It'll have to be the undead reanimated corpse of Elvis, stuffed to the gills with animatronics, which tackles Gojiira this time.

11:55 / 24.01.06

I can't believe I'm reading this on Barbelith.

I'm sickened.

11:58 / 24.01.06

I thought Godzilla was one of us!

Who are you people?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

12:00 / 24.01.06

I'd call my mate David Icke. He knows how to deal with lizards.

Mon Oncle Ignatius

12:03 / 24.01.06

Only the turquoise ones though. Has Godzilla a blue-green hue at all?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

12:12 / 24.01.06

That's the clever part. You drop a shitload of paint on him first, then Icke comes out and does his thing. And thus is Godzilla pwned.

Mon Oncle Ignatius

12:20 / 24.01.06

Aha. So that's where the airships come in handy - you fill them with paint and crash them into Godzilla, just like giant balloon bombs!

(Obviously not if he's attacking New York at the time - it might be considered tasteless in the extreme.)

A

12:45 / 24.01.06

No, look, what you do is wait until Godzilla and Mechagodzilla and Gamera and Rodan and Mothra and Monster Zero amd Tinky Winky and King Ghidora and any other monsters are all in the same place, and then you throw a rock amongst them and they will all blame each other and beat each other senseless until no monster remains standing.

It's all in the bible, people.

13:21 / 24.01.06

When I was a kid, Godzilla attacked my dog. He was mean. He just picked up my dog and put him in his mouth. I screamed for my brother, who sent me off to find Jet Jaguar--a helpful android designed by one of my neighbors--while my brother stayed behind and tried to punch Godzilla in the foot.

Sometimes, when I see a giant monster on the street, I'm still worried that they're going to pick me up and put me in their mouth.

Thank you for starting this thread, Velvet Vandal.

My Mom Thinks I'm Cool

13:27 / 24.01.06

This kind of goes along with me wanting to fight that lion, but: have you guys ever been to the big Toys R Us in Manhattan where they have the ferris wheel and the GIANT ANIMATRONIC TYRANNOSAURUS REX? Because I can't even look at that thing without wanting to fight it, and I have to admit I have no idea where I'd begin.

Every time it roars it's challenge at me I get so pissed. Mostly I just want to punch it or maybe hit it with a baseball bat which I'm guessing is a losing strategy. I guess berserkers don't always win.

15:56 / 24.01.06

All Acting Regiment

16:11 / 24.01.06

Give him a French Fancy.

Spyder Todd 2008

16:36 / 24.01.06

Pants brigade, last time I was in New York I was totally about to lunge at that thing, when a sales clerk turned the corner. Plus, a friend of mine told me I was being stupid. What did he know, though? Fighting a T-Rex would be bad ass…

Anyway, onto Gojira. I don’t think crawling onto his back fins would be such a good idea. Sometimes when he’s shooting out nuclear fire breath, he uses his fins to charge it up. I think the best bet would be to trick him into standing on a train track, then you simply drive a speeding train into his ankle and foot. The fast the train, the better. He’s a biped, so if you manage to break one ankle, he’s gonna go down.

Not that any of this matters, because Godzilla rules. It’s that over-hyped monkey Kong that needs to be taken down a few notches. And in a real fight, Godzilla would totally drop kick his ass into space.

17:08 / 24.01.06

With a purposeful grimace and a terrible sound
He pulls the spitting high tension wires down

Helpless people on a subway train
Scream bug-eyed as he looks in on them

He picks up a bus and he throws it back down
As he wades through the buildings toward the center of town

Oh no, they say he's got to go
Go go Godzilla, yeah
Oh no, there goes Tokyo
Go go Godzilla, yeah

Rinji news o moshiagemasu!
Rinji news o moshiagemasu!
Godzilla ga Ginza hoomen e mukatte imasu!
Daishkyu hinan shite kudasai!
Daishkyu hinan shite kudasai!
Oh no, they say he's got to go
Go go Godzilla, yeah
Oh no, there goes Tokyo
Go go Godzilla, yeah
History shows again and again
How nature points out the folly of men
Godzilla!

17:34 / 24.01.06

Godzilla would totally drop kick his ass into space.

dude, i could believe a place kick, maybe, but a drop kick?
thats about sixteen tons of angry motherfucking gorilla you want he-sure-aint-my-god-zilla to lift with his little baby arms.

i seriously doubt that godzilla could bench 16 tons, let alone hold it out in front of him for the drop and step in.
unless you reckon he sedated kong and had him suspended in a sling first, i reckon y'all be trippin' harder than a shroomin' clown running down some hell uneven stairs.

kong for the title.

P. Horus Rhacoid

20:01 / 24.01.06

Done and done.

20:26 / 24.01.06

Aw, they're dancing! Guys, Godzilla is just lonely. Haven't you ever listened to the lyrics of the song Iron Man, by Black Sabbath?

Nobody wants him
He just stares at the world
Planning his vengeance
That he will soon unfold

Now the time is here
For [Godzilla] to spread fear
Vengeance from the grave
Kills the people he once saved

Nobody wants him
They just turn their heads

He's lonely and thinks everyone hates him. The best way to handle him is to have a little girl run up to him with some nice flowers or plate of blondies or something. She should say "My daddy grew these for you!" or "Mrs. Porter baked these for you!" or whatever. That'd fix him right up.

20:34 / 24.01.06

I can't believe I'm reading this on Barbelith

I know. How would you stuff somebody with animatronics, for God's sake? It's not like you're talking about a Chuck E. Cheese franchise.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

20:41 / 24.01.06

Off-topic, but strangely, I've recently developed the habit, in idle moments, of launching into the music from the old Godzilla cartoon in situations where a normal man may find himself idly whistling, but changing the name.

As in

Up from the depths
Thirty stories high
Breathing fire
His head's in the sky
It's Stoatie -DER NER NER!!!
It's Stoatie -DER NER NER!!!
but not Godzooooooooooooo-kie... cos he's shit.

20:59 / 24.01.06

Aw, let's just pet him till he starts purring...

Spyder Todd 2008

21:01 / 24.01.06

Yeah, but Kong didn't win. Godzilla just let him get away. Besides, you can’t really count that version of Kong, because:

“In all films of this original series, Godzilla was 50 meters tall, and weighed 20,000 tons.” -wikipedia

By contrast:

“King Kong is being described as 25 feet tall on his hind legs by the makers of this version, half as tall as the filmmakers of the 1933 described their "50-foot" Kong. However, in proportion to people and objects in that film, the original Kong was actually around the same height (20-25 feet) as the new Kong.” –IMDB

So. Clearly the “King Kong” in Godzilla Vs. King Kong was an imposter Kong. 25 foot tall misunderstood monkey versus 165 feet of pissed off lizard? No contest.

Mon Oncle Ignatius

21:05 / 24.01.06

How would you stuff somebody with animatronics, for God's sake?

I wonder if exploring that idea might not be a step beyond the boundaries of taste and decency too far.

It wasn't just somebody - it was Elvis, though.

Mon Oncle Ignatius

21:10 / 24.01.06

Godzilla vs. The King, in fact.

P. Horus Rhacoid

21:14 / 24.01.06

You know, I hear Godzilla has a pressure point near his jaw so if you hit him in the mouth in just the right way he goes to sleep like a baby fennec.

06:48 / 25.01.06

IIRC, two endings were filmed for King Kong vs Godzilla - one in which Kong wins (for the American audience), and one where Godzilla wins (for the Japanese).

07:16 / 25.01.06

according to the wiki article linked above, that's a myth.
apprently the difference is in the roars; the american one ends on kongs roar, the japanese one on both of their roars.

the article says that toho intended the film to be read as a victory for kong, despite all the fans desire to disbelieve him for the sake of an argument.