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Negotiation, non-confrontation, and not-quite-sanity

  
 
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21:12 / 23.01.06
So, if you've ever been in a situation where you've needed to communicate constructively with someone whose viewpoint of reality differs significantly from that of everyone else's around them, how do you do it? What techniques do you use to keep from appearing threatening, for instance, to someone who seems to perceive any attempt to negotiate a change in his behavior as a threat?

And, if you're Ganesh, how can people who don't have your training communicate effectively with someone who seems to have serious difficulties with reality testing?

More specific info-- I have a position of responsibility in a student cooperative house. A new resident has been behaving very strangely, and is creating a lot of anxiety for the other members, some of whom feel physically threatened, although this guy hasn't done anything more than be verbally hostile when people ask him to change his behavior. Things people say to him seem to not make a lot of sense to him, and he responds by accusing everyone who isn't making sense (according to his viewpoint) of being on meth, of engaging in secret illegal meetings, of putting him on trial, of being racist (he's white, and so are the majority of people in the house, particularly those who have been confronting him). He's keeping a locked box with unknown contents in the house fridge, which I'm really hoping is medication of some kind. The conflict resolution coordinator (who is usually extremely effective, but also very meek) is completely stymied, and rather scared by the way he seems to dehumanize the people he has problems with, sometimes referring to them as "animals."

Now, we're hoping that he moves; he says he's been offered a single in another co-op. But we can't rely on that happening soon. Obviously suggestions that he see a psychiatrist are likely to be met with increasing hostility. He's not done anything that constitutes clear and present danger, so we can't really start terminating his membership.

I may be overreacting to this. In fact, I probably am. I think many people in my house are failing to distinguish legitimate concern for everyone's safety from a more generalized fear of people who appear to be mentally ill, something I've had quite a lot of difficulty sorting out for myself these last few days. At the same time, it's obvious to me that the way I and my fellow managers are used to communicating, far from being non-confrontational as we like to think, upsets him quite a bit, and contributes to his general feeling of being persecuted and threatened. There must be a better way of conveying to him what kinds of behavior are acceptable in our house and what aren't, without triggering a hostile reaction.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
21:31 / 23.01.06
Are you approaching this as someone in charge or as someone on an equal footing?
 
 
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21:44 / 23.01.06
So far, I have not been the person asked to intervene with him as an "authority" (inasmuch as anyone in our house ever is), so I've been just trying to be a friend. However, I may need to approach him as someone in a position of authority, since it seems like the other managers have exhausted their options. So, both.
 
 
alas
21:58 / 23.01.06
This is an interesting but really difficult problem. The obvious thing I first do with stories of problem students is try to contact people in their network--friends, ideally, but if it's possible without running afoul of legal issues, their parents? Someone who's known the person a long time. At least they might have some background info.
 
 
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22:03 / 23.01.06
Well, I wish we had any knowledge about that.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
22:05 / 23.01.06
I can't find a good way to put this- you need to work out how he communicates and be as unthreatening as possible. I'm going to pm you.
 
 
charrellz
22:18 / 23.01.06
Speaking with experience from his point of view, this is gonna be tricky for both of you. First of all, you need to be very clear with yourself as to what exactly it is you want to get from interacting with him, otherwise you're setting yourself up for failure. Don't go in with vague goals such as helping him or correcting his behavior. Be specific and be firmly set.

Next up, you need to figure out where to confront him. If you go to his room/space it may make him feel more at ease/in charge/safe, or you could freak him out by invading his personal safety zone, you'll just have to take baby steps and trial-and-error.

Approaching as an authority figure is probably a bad idea if he is worried about clandestine meetings conspiring against him.

If he is verbally aggressive, back off, don't push it. He most likely feels threatened. Let him think he is the alpha male, it will make him feel more secure and hopefully easier to approach next time. The flip side though, is that he might learn aggresive behavior gets what he wants, so don't bend every time he barks.

My advice may be totally off-base depending on the situation, so take it all with a couple grains of salt. I'm taking the viewpoint that he is suffering from a severe break with reality and instructing how I would have wanted to be treated when I had one of my episodes. If he is just a little off, and if my experiences aren't generalizable, than I'm probably not of much help. In fact, reading over this I'm doubting how valid any of it is because of my lack of training. The one thing I'm sure of is that authority figures are probably a bad idea. Contacting family will also make him feel further conspired against, but that may be a necessary evil at this point.

Again, everything hinges on what the problem really is.
 
 
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22:30 / 23.01.06
Thanks, Charrellz; that's a really helpful perspective, and I'm glad you've shared your insight.

Nina, I'll be happy to hear from you in more detail as well-- I agree that I clearly need to figure out how he prefers to be communicated with, but it seems like trial and error is the worst thing because every time someone makes a mistake it's impossible to repair relations between the two individuals. He ignores people who have upset him in the past, and if ignoring them isn't working he gets more hostile (probably feeling cornered, I would guess).
 
 
charrellz
22:30 / 23.01.06
I just realized how much my post reads like instructions for dealing with an animal, which I think is actually appropriate for the situation. When the rules and guidelines of civilized behavior have been removed or are ignored, what is left of the man? I'm not sure what my point is.

The more I reread my post, the less sure I am of the advice. It's just so hard to get back into that headspace I've tried so hard to get away from. I'll think it over for awhile and then come back with more words of wisdumb. In the meantime, just think over my suggestions, but don't be too hasty to act on them.

And good luck to both you and him.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
22:37 / 23.01.06
I think that the general rule with anyone who seems a bit different is to listen very carefully to them. Their boundaries become apparent and primarily if you want to build any kind of relationship you need to know what they are.

I think that everyone perceives him as so threatening that he is reflecting their emotion back at them, so he's become even more frightening as a result. It sounds like there's a bit of hysteria taking the reigns, everyone responding to a monster rather than someone who can't hear them. I think sitting down with a nice cup of tea and relaxing is the answer. Primarily does it matter what's in the box, I doubt it's human kidneys, for all we know it could be very expensive caviar that he doesn't want anyone else to eat.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
22:42 / 23.01.06
it seems like trial and error is the worst thing

You don't need trial and error, you need to make sure that you don't stray from the topic he sets. The biggest question you should ask is something really bland like how's your course going? Or how are you? Then only respond to the responses. Don't ask anything personal unless he asks first. This sounds like the most boring conversation ever but the gaps and hesitations are the way we truly read people.
 
 
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22:51 / 23.01.06
Wow. This may seem like a kindergarten course, but it's really been much more helpful than you can imagine.

The really disruptive stuff happened during and after someone was having a party downstairs, and I think I see how scary that event was for him.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
23:15 / 23.01.06
Okay I'm going to try and be helpful by doing this:

this guy hasn't done anything more than be verbally hostile when people ask him to change his behavior.

Okay so this sounds like he feels attacked and doesn't know how to react to judgements.

Things people say to him seem to not make a lot of sense to him

He finds specifics and probably emotions difficult to comprehend. Does he have a system- does he put the box in the same place in the fridge? Does he seem confused or is it manifesting through his refusal to do what is asked of him? Was he aggressive straight away or after pressure was applied? Is it defense or anger?

he responds by accusing everyone who isn't making sense (according to his viewpoint) of being on meth, of engaging in secret illegal meetings, of putting him on trial, of being racist

Hysterically, in anger or with conviction? How many people have confronted him? What's his background- is he Jewish? Best way to find this out is to idly talk about food, sounds crazy but it's so culturally significant and can really open people up.

He's keeping a locked box with unknown contents in the house fridge, which I'm really hoping is medication of some kind.

I think this is really about unknown entities in a communal space not what's actually in the box. In my student flat a girl used to fill the freezer with grapes and cheese. Unnecessary, might as well have been conceived of as a way to create anger because people are very protective of shared space when they're virtual strangers. The best way to get someone's back up is to then address the use of this space because they too are protective over their right to use it as they see fit. You should address this issue with everyone except him and should anyone object point out that he can do that if he wants to.
 
 
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03:14 / 24.01.06
Wow. I got home today feeling all comfy because I felt like I was starting to have more clues to work with, and then I heard that one of my housemates observed him staring at her through the crack in the toilet stall while she was urinating.

I didn't want that to happen.

I really think that his hostility is defensive, not aggressive. I mean it manifests as aggressiveness because none of us is aware of attacking him. He's not hysterical, he does seem angry, and he seems very certain. He's not Jewish; Sarah had shabbas in the living room on Friday and if he were Jewish he would have reacted to it in some way, I'm sure. (Although that may have been part of what frightened and upset him, if he's not Jewish.)

I'm not that worried about the box. Really, after talking with you and reading some more on my own I feel less worried in general— but then this thing with looking at K while she was on the toilet; I don't know how to fit that in with the picture I've built up.

We talked with a person from the central office today to explain what was going on and ask for some help, and her idea is that she's going to talk with him and "explain how things are." This is going to be an utter disaster, but she's not listening to us explain to her how things are.

Regardless, it sounds very much like he's going to be moving into another co-op house where he can have a single. We still need a plan in case that doesn't happen.

I feel really inadequate, and so does everyone else involved with this. We really wanted to handle this well, and I feel like we've pretty much failed.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
09:01 / 24.01.06
Sort out the crack in the stall and go on from there. Best to simply prevent it happening again everytime he does something unacceptable.
 
 
Disco is My Class War
15:38 / 24.01.06
That's a hard one.

I've had a couple of similar experiences -- not being in a position of power, but having housemates that developed pretty odd behaviours, a grandmonther with schizophrenia, and also a past situation in student housing where someone obviously unstable moved in and there was big trouble.

As Nina says, best thing is to talk, if you have some time. Talk a lot. About nothing in particular. Be a neutral presence. If you can get enough quiet, listening communication to ask questions like, "Are you okay?" you might be able to ascertain whether he is able to do stuff like sleep, eat meals, get to class, etc. Because often those things falling apart is the trigger for stuff. And if he can get a reality check with someone who can say, "Hey have you eaten today?", it might help.

I don't know... Contacting friends, parents etc is also a wise move, but you run the risk that he'll know exactly what you're doing and decide you're against him. If someone really is having a schizophrenic episode, and getting worse, it's also difficult to decide whether you should persist with trying to gain trust, if you're not actually getting through, or abandon that trust-gaining attempt in order to set boundaries you and the other people in the house may need to set. Figuring out when to move on that is always hard.

The other advice I have is to try to look after yourself and get some downtime. Don't let it swallow your energy whole. In shared housing situations, seriously unstable behaviour can get so disruptive that everyone swirls into a mess of not eating right, not sleeping, feeling really stressed, etc. Look after yourself. The situation will resolve, but it may take time to resolve, and it sounds like you may have to just live with this for a little while. So try not to panic, and don't let it disrupt your routine.

Hope this is helpful.... Best of luck.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
16:10 / 24.01.06
If someone really is having a schizophrenic episode, and getting worse, it's also difficult to decide whether you should persist with trying to gain trust

The answer to that is if you start to get at all scared by what's happening you should contact someone. Do not try and contact anyone who that person knows. Go to a medical centre, if there is no one talk to a lecturer. You're not doing anyone favours by respecting their privacy when their illness is overcoming them.
 
 
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16:27 / 24.01.06
Unfortunately, if we followed that guideline, about two thirds of the people in our house would have tried to have this guy hospitalized. My housemates are really in a condition of panic when the situation may not really warrant it. I think I need to make a point of going back around to all the people I've already talked to and stressing that we're not likely to be in danger.
 
 
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16:28 / 24.01.06
Which, of course, is compounded by the fact that obviously I've been really unnerved myself.

Thanks MD, and again Nina.
 
 
All Acting Regiment
14:10 / 26.01.06
How's the situation going now? Any better?
 
 
alas
14:26 / 26.01.06
It does seem to me that--especially given this context--his watching someone pee, without their consent, is a more serious problem, and if I were living in that house, I think I'd be legitimately concerned. I don't think it's paranoid to suspect that this kind of sexualized invasion of privacy is, in fact, potentially a prelude to more invasive activity. I would be concerned to protect the other members of the house at that point, even if they were over-reacting before.
 
 
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18:15 / 26.01.06
The person who has been the main target for some of his more inappropriate behavior asked that we have a talk with him and tell him that he needs to stay away from her. Two of my fellow managers invited him down to the dining room, while I and a couple of other house members futzed around the room, in case we were needed. K, who he likes and who cannot be seen as threatening except possibly by someone frightened of power wheelchairs and ventilators, asked him very friendly, open-ended questions about how he likes living here and what would make him happier. He answered that he liked the room situation, because even though he wasn't allowed a single he hadn't been given a roommate yet, so that was working out better than expected. The food situation was terrible, though, and he'd had to spend his own money on food several times, but what are you gonna do? Then K elicited that he felt some people had problems with him and had been making trouble for him, and he named the person we were concerned about. K & N talked about needs, and said that they were concerned to protect his feelings and meet his needs, but they were also concerned about this person's feelings and needs. They gave examples of how they had made accomodations for him, and asked him to make accomodations for her by staying away from her and giving her space.

He then talked for a long time about how this person's feelings aren't normal, and drunk people have feelings but you don't have to respect their feelings because if you lock them up in a drunk tank for a couple of days the feelings go away. He said he wasn't going to make any accomodations just because she was on drugs all the time.

(The person in question is extremely annoyed by this drug thing because she's celebrating six years clean.)

Eventually, after the conversation started getting heated, N fell back to just trying to convey the request to stay away from the person in question, and get him to acknowledge that it had been requested of him. The reasoning, of course, is to be able to advance a sexual harassment charge if something untoward should happen, since it seems clear that asking him to change his behavior is nonproductive. He avoided acknowledging that the request had been made. However, he was friendly to K when he left, so it was probably the most productive conversation we've had with him to date. Since then, he's been occasionally doing a dance where he sometimes approaches the person he's been asked to stay away from and then suddenly turns and leaves rapidly, almost fleeing.

He's supposed to be moving to another house, which will be dramatically worse for him in my opinion, on Saturday. But this is the choice he's made-- no one has pressured him in the slightest-- and since it makes my house members happy, I'm in no position to try and stop him. I have spoken with the house manager of the other house, probably violating his privacy although I don't have any privileged information about him at all. I think some disaster will happen there and he'll end up leaving the co-op system, which is probably best.
 
  
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