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Scrap of writing - only unambivalent praise, please

 
  

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ONLY NICE THINGS
22:59 / 09.01.06
Medicamenta

Skin is being prepared, treated, analysed critically. This is the most important bath, perhaps, of her life.

In one sense, this is untrue. Today is arguably at most a formality, a capstone placed on something that has been carefully built, stone by stone, first considered, then expected, assumed and finally organised. The end of the long push uphill, the beginning of the long roll down.

Cleanse, tone and moisturise. The holy trinity, not least because nobody really gets what the middle one is for. Upward strokes of the cotton pad, to prevent wrinkles. Massage in the thick scentless liquid, promising as it does to challenge all seven of the seven signs of aging (the first is wrinkled skin, the third through sixth remain obscure; she assumes the seventh to be heart failure), in small circles, again upward. That is for the face. The body is a different matter.

After a brisk exfoliating scrub with matter purporting to contain both charcoal and Vitamin E, the lotion is applied in larger circles. There are so many things that wither and devour the flesh: sunlight, which can be and is avoided or repulsed; chemicals, not least the harsh, oxidising soup of London's air, this to be resolved by a house in the Home Counties. Finally, the passage of time, and the seven deadly signs of aging. As yet no efficient way to roll this back exists. Already the first fleeting thoughts of cosmetic amendment, emendation, or, some would argue, mendacity have begun to intrude into the still taut and peachy-fresh expanses of her mind.

Twenty-six is, after all, recognisably closer to thirty than to twenty, and thirty is the point at which she is really going to have to start taking care of her appearance.

A hundred strokes on each side.

Technically speaking, appearance should really not be an issue. The long roll downhill. The expectation management expected over the course of a shared life. Country walks. Dinner parties and local history. This is the thinking, ultimately, of a previous generation. Greater personal and professional mobility carries with it the penalty of insecurity. With the society of gossips drowned in the externalising flood of Hello, OK, and the gutter lining of scandal rags channeling down to Tyra Banks' VPL (monthly), it has become the responsibility of individual contractors to keep developing their skills and refreshing their relevance.

It may only be skin deep, but without skin one is very cold, very unhappy and very dead.

The first two are, she feels, eminently avoidable. The third has yet to be conquered by a strict regime of moisturising, but she has caught herself eating less of her own delicious home cooking. Lower calorie consumption has been shown to extend life, not to mention the mortal rewards of making an hour of pilates about the tone rather than the burn.

The maid of honour can be heard fretting outside, but there is plenty of time and the beautician waiting with her is being paid by the task rather than the hour. This powder, a formula of Japanese herbs and minerals held in trust by the Body Shop until such time as the Japanese can be trusted with the secret, is intended to soften the skin, to render it pliant and agreeable. When they spent the first night together (in fact, although neither would admit it, the second night, the first being driven by a happy hour-induced seasickness that forbade such finer speculation), the near-natural softness of her skin astounded him. It felt as if his fingers might leave runnels where they stroked, pools where they rested. This sense of wonder has stayed with him, and will do so while she has the strength and dermal elasticity to ensure it.

Somewhere in the helices of DNA wrapped around the histones of their respective bodies lie the codes for this soft and yielding skin, this stomach kept flat and thighs trim with two trips to the gym a week, this brow unfurrowed still and in his the no less vital capacity to appreciate all such. Through genotype, through phenotype, through coiling body, the same curl and curve that will soon be added to each eyelash in turn will twist through the day and maybe through the long roll downhill.

Smiling is a dangerous business, leaving as it does a network of fine lines round the nose and mouth, but she figures she can risk it; this is a special day, after all.
 
 
Seth
23:24 / 09.01.06
Its spelt honor, BTW. 3:16.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
23:28 / 09.01.06
I will make you tap out, Seth. Or tap ot, if you want to be strict about it.
 
 
Char Aina
23:29 / 09.01.06
i think the way you chara
 
 
Char Aina
23:29 / 09.01.06
i think the way you chara
 
 
Char Aina
23:29 / 09.01.06
i think the way you chara
 
 
matthew.
00:46 / 10.01.06
Well. I know this is supposed to be an ironic thread, but Haus, if you wrote it all by yourself, you have a good turn of phrase.
But you're a fat, gay, nerd with glasses who's a virgin and was never picked for sports and-and-and
Sorry. Just being a fucking wanker for a second.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
05:09 / 10.01.06
I'll have you know I was captain of the overweight myopic gaying team at school.
 
 
Evil Scientist
07:39 / 10.01.06
I just want to know what the two day per week gym regime is. I'm going four times a week and am neither slim nor toned.

Perhaps I'm not gaying enough? I do have short sight though.
 
 
Lama glama
13:02 / 10.01.06
QUITE FRANKLY, I LOVED THIS SHORT STORY. eEVRY BIT OF IT. wITH EACH PARAGRAPH, IT GETS DARKER, EVEN MORE INTELLIGENT, AND FAR MORE INFORMATIVE. I CAN'T WAIT TO READ THE FINAL CHAPTER AND THE RESOLUTION, WHICH OUGHTTA BE ONE HELLOVA THING IN THE END.

THE LLAMA..THAT RUNS ON ENERGIZER.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
13:09 / 10.01.06
Pah. What sort of colonial throwback spells "moisturize" with an s?
 
 
Sekhmet
13:29 / 10.01.06
I hate to say this, but I really liked it.

Though she sounds like the sort of girl I instinctively want to strangle when I pass them on the street.
 
 
Hawksmoor
20:52 / 10.01.06
Dude, I’m not trying to be funny, although you may think I am, based on our very limited history, which, to say the least, has been fairly aggressive, but your story....well, it wasn't very good, or very clear to me. You seemed to be trying far too hard to turn phrases, and your wording wasn't very clear at all. Say, mebbe that's because you're English, and us Americans are, for the most part, not for trying to distinguish between what may be meaningless babble, and what may be actual wording. Description, I mean to say. I didn't get the point of it. It came off as very pretentious and wordy (what I could understand of it) and I suggest you try again. I couldn't even read it all, as it was far too slow and never seemed to reach any point at all, as far as I could get, that is. You must have bad skin and fear aging. That's all I got out of it. Nice try, though...at an attempt that was supposed to be better than my initial post. Geez, you Barbelith folks are a real crowd. Nice, down-home people. Well, nice day to ya, mate.
 
 
matthew.
21:13 / 10.01.06
If I might be so bold and rash, I believe the key phrase in this piece is:
(the first is wrinkled skin, the third through sixth remain obscure; she assumes the seventh to be heart failure)
Specifically the underlined.
That's what I would use as the "cipher" to crack the code of this particular piece.
 
 
lekvar
21:19 / 10.01.06
your story....well, it wasn't very good, or very clear to me.
I call jokesuit.
 
 
eddie thirteen
21:32 / 10.01.06
Nah, he's on the level. Anyway, he's no one from this site. I do think he's talking shit (kinda...unless he got them from somewhere else, the stories represent a level of effort that seems unlikely for someone who's just fucking around and trolling, unless he's unemployed and bored off his ass to the point of complete psychosis -- even "Billy Corgan," who was a lot funnier, stuck to...um...poetry that couldn't have taken long to write), but he's not someone from around here talking shit. He's probably linking to us from his LJ and doing the OMFGIMSOSWL33T routine. Time to delete? It was funny for a few days, but he's getting old now.
 
 
lekvar
21:45 / 10.01.06
Oh, and Haus, this piece is, as we spell it in the US, eksquzite.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
21:48 / 10.01.06
Obviously it could be improved with a HOTT NINJA BABE TOTALLTY KILLING EVERYONE, but then, what couldn't?
 
 
Spatula Clarke
21:52 / 10.01.06
Tomato soup.
 
 
Mon Oncle Ignatius
21:54 / 10.01.06
Jojoba?
 
 
matthew.
21:56 / 10.01.06
Haus' jokes are great. They have a certain subtlety that other posters' jokes lack. See here:
TOTALLTY. It's the placement of the last "T" that creates another layer of humour to this great joke.
But he's still teh ghey.
 
 
Char Aina
22:15 / 10.01.06
ah, hawkman.
its so transparent that you came here with the inention of 'getting back' at haus that it isnt even funny.
it is almost funny(LOL, OHMIGOD, ECT) but its more sad. i mean, were you really under the impression that he would be hurt by this, as you have so clearly been hurt by the honesty i the thread concerning 'bone'?
there's one big clue, just so you can hide it better next time;
You must have bad skin and fear aging.(sic)
the personal comment is unwarranted, and belies an ignorance of the writer's craft. writers get into character, bro. they are not always exploring themselves, but often the world around them.
you do get that haus is a boy and that this piece is about girl on her wedding day, right? dont you think he might have been using it to examine the world from someone else's point of view?

i wonder what they taught you on your course.
it certainly wasnt anything that is proving useful here, if indeed the whole story isnt all one big fat lie.


(i think its also kinda revealing that you only commented on the story after i directly pointed it out to you.
do you read anything on the board that doesnt concern you personally?)
 
 
Quantum
09:12 / 11.01.06
"...(what I could understand of it)..." Hawksmoor

In the words of the great Stan Lee, 'nuff said.
 
 
chiaroscuroing
09:46 / 11.01.06
I always wondered what the internet equivalent of bullying was.
 
 
Regrettable Juvenilia
10:13 / 11.01.06
That's nice. What does it have to do with this thread?
 
 
Smoothly
10:17 / 11.01.06
And just so no one misinterprets you, Consumption, who do you believe is bullying whom?
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
10:31 / 11.01.06
I always wondered what the internet equivalent of bullying was.

What, resorting to homophobic and generally bigoted attacks on people who dare to express other than pure adulation for your writing? Sending agressive PMs larded with similar language to people who try and engage with you? Yep, looks like bullying to me. Well spotted.
 
 
Spyder Todd 2008
15:42 / 11.01.06
Say, mebbe that's because you're English, and us Americans are, for the most part, not for trying to distinguish between what may be meaningless babble, and what may be actual wording.

Hawksmoor, I'm only going to ask this once, and this is nothing personal mind you, but please stop trying to speak for America. I personally find myself increasingly agitated at you for this. You do not speak for America. You show a lack of tolerance and understanding that I had hoped America was well past. I could initially ignore the spelling confusion (favourite, anyone?) as simple cross-Atlantic misunderstanding, but the statement above as well as:

"here n America, when someone says 'about', it might mean a few things."

"I'm not in Europe, though, am I, you Great British Genius? I'm in America. For God's sake, courses here mean American English and writing technique, not that sordid, cut up bullshit you speak, brother."

These seem especially annoying when we review this:

"I learned this in European Writing Linguistics, a class at NC State college in Raleigh, NC, which i attended for four years."

(Italics added by myself, for emphasis)

Please consider stepping back for a moment, and possibly reevaluating your stance on these matters. Listen to me if you wish, I've stated my case.
 
 
Char Aina
16:07 / 11.01.06
i have asked mr is a form of self to explain his remarks via PM, and have directed him to both the relevant policy thread and the wiki.

i appreciate his desire to stand up for the little guy against the herd-mind of barbelith and i have said so to him. i also feel he is underinformed as to what has transpired here, something i have politely pointed out, giving him the materials to rectify.

just so's you know.
 
 
GogMickGog
18:27 / 12.01.06
I hate to say it but I kinda agree with Mr. "Is a form of self", Toksik.

Yuh, so Hawksmoor has been objectionable, ignorant, homophobic etc but how does that make the way you're all behaving any less a bad thing? Barbelith is beset at times by a herd mentality and though he is entirely to blame for the first wave of 'righteous indignation', the level of shit that Hawksmoor is taking now, from what I can only assume are a group of intelligent adults, is astounding.

Take, for example, his attempt to post on the Harry Potter thread. Apparent love of mis-placed capitals aside, he was roundly mocked for no clear reason other than that of his previous errors.

I sure know what it's like to offend barbelith (and to ignorantly disagree with others purely because I don't want to back down), as I am sure do many others here. There is a herd mentality on this page and when awakened it is a truly ugly thing to behold (sorry to go all Lovecraft there, but it remains a truth).

All in all, it makes me rather ashamed to be part of this community.

I sincerely hope that my comments will be met with the respect and honesty with which I have attempted to phrase them.
 
 
Regrettable Juvenilia
18:40 / 12.01.06

Yuh, so Hawksmoor has been objectionable, ignorant, homophobic etc but how does that make the way you're all behaving any less a bad thing?


I suppose that depends on your opinion on homophobia, among other things, doesn't it Mick?
 
 
Quantum
18:46 / 12.01.06
Barbelith is beset at times by a herd mentality

Not sure I'd agree with that- usually this place is heaving with infighting, backbiting, out-and-out fighting, squabbles, mocking and conflict. In fact I think the only time I've seen anything like consensus or ganging together is when someone posts homophobic, misogynistic, racist tripe. Then suddenly most people seem to have the same response, which is to soundly mock the offender.

Barbelith's a fairly individualistic place IMHO, and if dozens of strong willed independant minded posters all seem to agree something's wrong it usually is. I for one don't think much about what the rest of Barbelith believes before I post, and my response to Hawksmoo is based on his actions here and his PMs to me, not on the reactions of other posters.
 
 
Bed Head
18:57 / 12.01.06
Take, for example, his attempt to post on the Harry Potter thread. Apparent love of mis-placed capitals aside, he was roundly mocked for no clear reason other than that of his previous errors.

Sorry, where was he “roundly mocked”, exactly? Could link to some of this awful mocking, cos I can’t see it. If you’re talking about here, all I can see is *one* guy having a mild dig. Is this example supposed to support your whole herd mentality argument?
 
 
GogMickGog
19:05 / 12.01.06
Ok, so Hawksmoor has said a lot of mean spirited, dumb things and thus exposed both his ignorance and apparent tendency to swing into a reactionary position without thinking through his thoughts. What I mean to say is that the boundaries between his supposed 'wrongness' and subsequent 'rightness' of the indignation shown become blurry when the wave counter-attack descends into cheap sniping and character attacks of a sort Hawksmoor might himself consider.

Surely the best way to deal with his crude behaviour is either to ignore it or to treat it with dismissive formality? How else do we presume to remain elevated and teach by example?

Yeah, Hawksmoor posted some badly written pulpy crap on here but so have a lot of people (seek out my work, alone, to see this in action). From his refusal to take negative comments and his snipy attitude he sounds like a rather insecure individual. Is the best approach really to further fuel that?

My definition of homophobia is that shared by the OED, a "Fear or hatred of homosexuals and homosexuality". I hope, Shaftoe, that you are not trying to imply that it's an attitude I have ever expressed. Certainly the phrase "fag" has never been employed in my vocabulary as it has in Mr. Hawksmoors.
 
 
Jack Fear
19:08 / 12.01.06
Take it to the Policy, gentlemen.
 
  

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