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Help me lie about Bristol

neukoln

15:00 / 27.12.05

The last 3 months have been pretty shite, and as a result I hadn't done a piece of writing for my PhD (I work FT too). My supervisors are pretty cool, so I emailed them saying that I've decided to go at-short-notice* down to Bristol with friends, for Christmas. Thus cancelling the meeting scheduled for the next day.

*Note: I am "As spontaneous as a bus-timetable" and never do anything at-short-notice. So they'll know I was lying unless I can drop in a few anecdotes about Bristol. Trouble is I've never been to Bristol ever, in fact.

Help. What was Bristol like over Christmas? Let's say last Tuesday to this Tuesday? The weather? Where could I have gone? Where did I stay? What did I see?

Benny the Ball

15:10 / 27.12.05

It was okay, quite sunny for the most part. You had lunch at Browns, nice building, and then bought a copy of [enter band name here]'s CD for £6 from fopp records, and then walked around the dock area, saw the beautiful multi coloured houses. Maybe you even went up to Clifton, but didn't go across the bridge and no one jumped!

Or something...

Anyway, 1. I wasn't in Bristol, and 2. one of the most obvious signs of lying is over description when it is not called for - see Spaced episode one.

Mourne Kransky

15:30 / 27.12.05

You went to a magnificent Christmas Eve party where somebody must have spiked your drink and you woke up tomorrow, with your right eyebrow shaved off and a tattoo of a reindeer on your left buttock.

neukoln

16:05 / 27.12.05

Xoc - nice idea, except you can't spike water.

Benny - point taken about not including too much detail. But if one of them knows the place intimately a fairly reasonable question might be: where did you stay?. If I make somewhere up, they could ask... where is that - on the north of the river, or the south bank? I say the south. Then they say huh? on the south bank is a swamp and a nuclear power plant.

I'm an excellent liar, but I need something to work with.

Shrug

17:03 / 27.12.05

Say you went to Bristol but fell ill and therefore ended up seeing very little of your surrounds apart from your friend's front lounge, a roaring fire and the tail end of a bottle of Robitussin.

Shrug

17:44 / 27.12.05

Perhaps create some kind of tangential lie about an eccentric taxi-driver you encountered on your way. Maybe something about a dog too. People love puppies. Tangled web of deceit whose success is solely predicated on people's love of puppies.
Neukoln I say this sincerely and as a fellow 'lither forget all about this geography of Bristol stuff. Intricacy, eccentric taxi-drivers, possibly a flu and/or food poisoning tangent and the cuteness of small animals are your only hope.

Alex's Grandma

18:05 / 27.12.05

Neukoln;

You went to the Coronation Tap in Clifton, ordered a pint of the special scrumpy, and then another, and now you can't remember anything else.

Unless the Coronation Tap has closed down recently, I don't really anticipate too many problems with this line of argument.

Basically, that pub is like a crack house.

A crack house for cider.

It's notorious in the local papers, and such.

You can trust me on this.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

21:35 / 27.12.05

Xoc - nice idea, except you can't spike water.

You've clearly never tried it. It's eminently doable.

Apparently.

pointless & uncalled for

09:00 / 29.12.05

You're missing the crux of the lie.

You went to Bristol to see friends, make any response to queries about Christmas about them. If anyone asks about the city itself then a good response would be that you didn't see much of it. Maybe you took a walk on the Downs but that was about it. The rest of the time was spent indoors and apparently you're still the Yatzee champion of the world.

If pressed you think your friends live in Westbury on Trym but you're not sure. They used to live in St Pauls. St Pauls should be said in the same manner as one says Peckham or Streatham (as opposed to Saint Reathams).

Ariadne

09:03 / 29.12.05

I don't understand that - do you mean you say 'stipauls'?

pointless & uncalled for

09:16 / 29.12.05

It's the inherrent tone of shuddering disdain with a vein of loathing and a twinge of fear that one is compelled to use with such terms as "estate agent".

neukoln

20:36 / 29.12.05

Yeah, OK, I'll go for the stayed-indoors-most-of-the-time-cos-I-was-knackered option. But I wandered out to Coronation Tap a couple of times (mercifully it has a website, so I now know it is World Famous). Oh, and I stayed at Clifton.

If something goes spectacularly wrong and one of them knows it really well, I'll resort to a I had a stinking argument and left early. They'll believe that... without hesitation.

fuckbaked

06:15 / 30.12.05

I hope, for your sake, that the people you're lying to don't read Barbelith.

neukoln

09:24 / 30.12.05

I hope, for your sake, that the people you're lying to don't read Barbelith.

If they do I will find out in due course...

Alex's Grandma

12:21 / 30.12.05

You stayed in Clifton, neukoln, in Clifton. It has great shops (reminds you of Marylebone Road) but you could only afford anything in them after the sales.

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