Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.

Underground > Conversation >

Things You'd Like To Hear On Nature Documentaries

All Acting Regiment

19:43 / 22.12.05

All replies will be a) funny and b) in the format below. Go ahead, zoofans.

David Attenborough:

The Zebra sees the lion in the stocks. At long last, he has a chance to exact vengance for millenia of interspecies barbary: and because of the stocks, the Lion can't fight back. At least, that's what the Zebra thinks: this lion can shoot laser beams from it's eyes

Steve Irwin:

I'm clambering about on these limestone cliffs, bothering Lemurs which is outside my fucking job description! If I slip I'll be cut to ribbons!

(slips)

ONLY NICE THINGS

23:44 / 22.12.05

(In persona Attenboriense)

Hold on... they're shagging! Fuck, that's some nasty shit...

Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero

03:50 / 23.12.05

David Attenborough:

The wildebeast herd makes it's way cautiously through the crocodile infested waters. Every year many members of the herd fall prey to the ancient reptiles. (crocodile leaps out of water and snags random wildebeast) The laws of the wild are sometimes harsh, but that smug fuck got what was coming to him.

06:55 / 23.12.05

The lioness slouches towards the baby antelope, innocently grazing the savannah. As the small creature focuses intently on the sweet young grass sprouts, the great cat moves stealthily into position, ready to pounce, seconds from the kill.

Life can be nasty, brutish and short in the wild, viewers. But you can change that, by pressing the red, interactive button on your remote control. Does the lion snack on antelope?

Or shall we send in Trinny & Susannah with kalashnikovs, to take down the lion, and to perform a makeover on one lucky little gazelle, that will butch him up for his future protection?

07:13 / 23.12.05

David Attenborough

"Here comes the male, back from another hard day of killing things and protecting the ladies.....and here comes his mate, is that a new hairdo? Oh, doesn't she look pleased to see him.

But wait - who's that? Its another female - lucky chap!! Hang on....there's another one, and another - and, no, it can't be, they're wearing purple socks....and....is that a copy of Andrea Dworkin I can see? Ut-oh, looks like Daddy's not gonna be The Boss for much longer

All Acting Regiment

11:21 / 23.12.05

A bit of a departure, this, but.

Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall:

I'm aproaching the village of Little Smitherswank to take part in their annual cook-up. I don't know what we'll be eating, and though they said the meat would provide itself I've brought a shoulder of lamb to the table. I've also had a bath in OXO stock cubes which they tell me is a local tradition. They said they'd be glad to have me for lunch

12:01 / 23.12.05

David Bellamy:
Here we are in television centre, where we find the grand old mucker of the nature documentary world, David Attenborough. For so long he's led the pack, but now he's reduced to grubbing about in the undergrowth for insects and bugs. Can it be his hold on the troupe is at last failing?

David Attenborough:
Now if we're all very, very quiet, we can see the form of the rare David Bellamy lumbering through the forest floor towards us. With his ridiculous mane of almost pubic-like hair and his comical roar, he has been hunted almost to extinction by cruel celebrity impressionists, and has not been seen near human habitation for some years. This rare sighting only goes to remind us why he has not found favour on our screens in a long time...

Chris Packham:
Does anyone think I look like a slightly more angular-featured Gary Barlow?

Bellamy and Attenborough (together):
Fuck off, you snotty little shit.

Bill Oddie:
Has anyone seen my cock?

Percy Edwards:
No, but I can whistle it.

Johnny Morris:
And I could give it a funny voice, maybe like a snake or an elephant.

C-List Celebrity:
I'm the blonde one out of that girl band and I'd love to be sent to somewhere exotic on licence-payers' money so I can make ooh and aah noises at a bear or something, which would be a perfect prime-time TV show for the festive period.

All (except Chris Packham):
Oh, do fuck off!

Chris Packham:
Fancy a shag?

Closing credits and theme tune.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

14:23 / 23.12.05

I do believe Sax just made an Ivor Biggun joke. For which he receives a special Christmas huggle.