Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.

Underground > Conversation >

Coupling or otherwise

02:38 / 23.11.05

I've been with with my GF now for almost two years. In that time I had had to ask myself *why*.

It's late and I'm tired, and I'm about to hit the sack, but I'm interested in what other 'lither's get out of their long-term, non-platonic relationships and why they stick at them. I'm not looking for your deepest darkest secrets, just an idea of where you're coming from.

I'll be sure to post more about my situation tomorrow.

05:56 / 23.11.05

Honestly, I never asked. Or if I did, it was "why not?"

What if there are two types of people --say, "opt in" and "opt out." I guess I'm opt out. I got into this pretty much not thinking about it & when I get mad, I think about getting out. I have never gotten mad enough, though.

15:21 / 23.11.05

Because the juice is worth the squeeze. Because the good/sexy/fun/hot/warmsnugglingbythefireplace times far outweigh the bad times. And because i cant stand all the bullshit involved with dating.

Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo

23:02 / 24.11.05

I decide to get into relationships based on the fact that people look at me funny when I go to the movies alone. And the fact that the popcorn is so damn huge, there is no way I can eat it all myself.

BUT I REFUSE TO SHARE MY JUNIOR MINTS, DAMMIT!!!

00:13 / 25.11.05

It's way easier to keep going than it is to start breaking a new one to my will.

*

06:48 / 25.11.05

Oooh, grant, it is soooo sexy that you're so emphatic about that....

12:57 / 25.11.05

going to movies on your own is one of the best things about being single...

congratulations on finding your cat.

15:59 / 25.11.05

What about that most painful combination of the two lifestyles, the long distance relationship? Have just entered one unwillingly (to clarify the girl is gorgeous, it's the distance thing I'm objecting to).

It strikes me that my life now consists of periods of longing followed by fortnightly meetups of frantic passion, and then another dull stretch.

Holiday work (HMV) means meeting up will be doubly difficult.

Crumbs.

Whaddya all think?

The Natural Way

16:47 / 25.11.05

I think it's a recipe for real insecurity unless yr both prepared to be proper grown-up about it all. Even if you are, it'll still be pretty rubbish. My G/F spends every other week as a live in carer, and, altho' her boss is pretty cool about me staying round sometimes, it's still frustrating and crap, so yr thing, I'm fairly sure, wouldn't agree w/ me @ all.

OJ

17:20 / 25.11.05

My partner and I live apart during the week at the moment because of my work and have done for a while. It's funny, it doesn't feel like a long-distance relationship unless I think about it because our relationship is a given. It's non-negotiable: we are together whether or not we're in the same place, full stop.

That being said, it can be hard to establish the sort of relationship that will weather the separations if you're apart from the outset. But it can also be fun and keep things light if that's what you want.

Goodness Gracious Meme

18:08 / 25.11.05

even if you are, it'll still be pretty rubbish.

Being just a little sweeping there, brunt?

It's mainly as OJ says, about what you *want* from a relationship.

Also, things about where you are in life, ie whether you'll be able to put the time into a relationship that you/your partner(s) want.

Distance does add a special bunch of pressures and stresses, but these can be worked with/around. And there are pluses. Eg, minus - not being able to see each other spontaneously/easily. Plus - seeing each other always being an event. Minus - investing too much in the time spent together. Plus - intensity of time spent together. etc....

Also, depends on the distance/circs to a huge degree. I'd say the bigger the distance, the harder it gets.

(Unless economically, travel costs aren't an issue so it's not going to mean your ability to see each other is dictated too much by distance. Eg, know people who maintain relationships with partners in different countries. Most of them are economically able to do lots of flights.)

M-T: lazy, so can't be arsed to link, but do a barbesearch for 'long-distance' and you'll get a bunch of threads.

Goodness Gracious Meme

18:10 / 25.11.05

This, from bitchiekittie, covers most of it:

a plan is definitely extremely important, and you also have to lay out expectations. and then be willing to accept that you might have to alter them when reality exposes the difficulties of meeting those expectations.

think of: what are your basic, absolute needs in a healthy relationship? can they be met despite this particular distance and the limitations involved? are their needs and expecations from you and this relationship reasonable? are you willing and able to meet them? what are you going to have to sacrifice (physical intimacy for x period of time, money for phone calls and visits, etc), and are you willing and able to do that?

Goodness Gracious Meme

18:18 / 25.11.05

this thread, esp, has a real range of opinions on the distance thing, and a *load* of good advice.