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Alan Bennett, and the questions you might like to ask him.

Alex's Grandma

00:28 / 18.11.05

Alan Bennett is appearing at a Q&A session in London this week, to which I'm not invited, and to which, almost certainly, you aren't either, but to which a dear friend of mine is.

He probably won't be able to answer them all or anything, but here's your opportunity to ask him anyway.

And if you don't know who Alan Bennett is, he would simply reply, in a trembling voice, finely smoked like a salmon, in a tea room in Clitheroe, that he simply didn't really know who you were either. Motherfucker.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

00:58 / 18.11.05

Hypothetically, Alan, that cunt Brian Sewell just spilled your pint. What are you gonna do about it?

Sax

06:23 / 18.11.05

Do you think it's time to update Talking Heads for the Lolling Generation? An E Under The Settee, perhaps?

Now Thora Hird is passed over, can you tell us what she was like in the sack?

Have you ever been tempted to depart from your traditional territory and write, say, a high-octane thriller set on the mean streets of Brooklyn?

Is it true what they say in Huddersfield about you and that truck driver?

Mourne Kransky

08:22 / 18.11.05

Have you got a mobile number for the guy who played Runce in The History Boys?

Which hair dye is that?

Since Dame Thora and The Lady in the Van have both gone, could you use Alex's Grandma for your new muse?

I've been to one of these before, that he did in partnership with Michael Palin. He's more impressive when he's scripted, really. He seemed bemused by some of the audience questions. I remember "What was the last thing you bought from the M&S Foodhall?" was the final question of the evening but not the gripping, white-knuckle ride of a reply.

I do remember I sat next to Kelly Macdonald though. Squeeeee...

Gypsy Lantern

10:02 / 18.11.05

I once had an idea for a Metal Gear Solid style stealth-based Playstation game called "The more you ignore me, the closer I get". It involved you guiding espionage agent Morrissey around a secret military installation, and when you got stuck you could use your communications device to call on Alan Bennett who would guide you through the levels in a series of talking head monologues.

"Alan, I've broken into the Generals office and I can see an antique french dresser in a bad state of repair, it looks just like the one my auntie Mabel used to have when she lived by the sea, what sort of polish should I use on it?"

Regrettable Juvenilia

11:04 / 18.11.05

The question I'd like to ask Alan Bennett is the same one I'd like to ask many, many people: "What would it take, what would I have to do, to get you to stop?"

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

12:59 / 18.11.05

Alan, I think I just fell in love with Gypsy Lantern. What should I do about it?

ONLY NICE THINGS

13:41 / 18.11.05

Petey, you're still afraid of the answer to that question. That's why you're still asking it.

Also, fancy a pint?

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