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One of my friends has written this satirical article for his student magazine and would like us to criticise it for him. I can't see this being a problem, so here it is:
The Revelations Of Studentus The Wise
Yea, for it be I, Studentus the Wise, your enlightened master, who knows all there is to know about the world. Prostrate yourself on my tiles while I graciously outline to you the neophyte the articles of my great and true faith, and most importantly the difference between Good and Evil, which are not always easily apparent to the uneducated fools around us.
First, the parable of the shoes. Let it be known that if you should buy Nike trainers, you have fallen into the grip of the Evil One! The true believer must wear Converse all-stars. Ignore those who will tell you that Nike Incorporated owns Converse Footwear, or that Converse trainers are made by the same south-Asian children in the same sweatshops as Nike Classics. These people are fools, and you shall tell them in no uncertain terms that yea, if you buy Converse you are sticking it to the man, man, just like that Niel out of the Matrix, whereas he who buys Nike is like totally a sheep.
Now to Beer. Let it be known that the true believer may get as bladdered as he likes, all night and every night, and that he may of course use his Father's money to accomplish this. Likewise, a young lady of the faith may spend her government grant on Red Bull and Vodkas with impunity, for yea, these actions are absolutely the cool thing to do. Why bother getting a job, dude? On the other hand if those dirty council estate people continue to get drunk in the park on benefit money, that's completely different and evil and horrid.
Let it be known also that there be a correct way in which to purchase a kebab. What you must absolutely not do is display any kind of respect or friendship towards the staff of the shop, for you are Students and they are your Servants! They're probably dirty immigrants anyway, and like your dad says, they're destroying the country! One way you can strike back at them is, instead of saying “Large Donner when you're ready please, mate”, just mumble and scowl at them. Or shout. Also, make loads of comments about how dirty the shop is. The serious believer will also accuse the staff of looking at his girlfriend funny.
Indeed, let me talk on the subject of women, for yea, there be a right way and a wrong way for them to behave. Firstly, wearing a tracksuit is absolutely out of the question (unless it's a retro track jacket from Affleck's, duh), as is dyeing your hair blonde or wearing gold jewelery. Blonde hair? Gold jewelery? Are we living in bizarro world?
Secondly, any young single mothers out there are just dirty! Oh totally! It's all their fault they've got a child at 19 and if it was you you'd give it up for adoption in a heartbeat. Let it be known that to make loud, snide remarks about their looks, their hairstyle, even their baby, is absolutely acceptable and should be done as often as possible. If you can't do it in real life, then do it in a humorous article for a student magazine or the Daily Telegraph colour supplement (a great read, by the way)! It's important that you spread the message of the faith! Yea, what the world needs is more witty articles about Chavs!
I, Studentus the wise, grow tired now, and must retreat to my hermitage. Before I go, have a look at my cool new £999999 backlit turbo-iPod 600 I bought with my loan. Notice that much thought goes into the selection of my play list. I've got that cool Kaiser Chiefs song, yea, about how you should stay in and not go out because a girl with no clothes on might get leary and ask for a condom in a tracksuit. As a rule you should listen to individualistic, innovative bands like them because they write proper songs, not like Girls Aloud who are dirty and fake and people dance to them.
I leave you to strive for The Faith. Doherty Bless. |
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