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Underground > Creation >

Comments and criticisms for my poem?

21:10 / 08.11.05

wrote this a while ago but think i'd like to do summat with it... any comments? [positive negative and constructive all welcome]

do i exist?

i
your eyes watch my head explode…
thoughts scattering
against an emptiness contriving to be sky,
but dark – a milky way
extinguished by my inertia, until a tear
drop splashes to my feet

i am spent

ii

i am soft caress
of a cheese-knife into brie
i am flawless skin
of a mirror reflecting my truth
i am lesion
that gives rise to dysfunction and
i am sanctuary to doubt

i am not obligated
i am not entitled
i am not destined &
i am not free

i am seeping warmth
of blood coagulating
i am vibrations in a cochlea
from the whoosh of a silver blade
i am crispness
of morning encasing a village’s poverty and
i am deliverance to disease

i am not believed
i am not exhausted
i am not tolerated &
i am still not free

i am sweetness
of the only time we ever touched
i am subtleness
of the gesture held by a plastic smile
i am endless precision
of a decaying atom’s half-life and
i am anger, coiled and waiting

i am not supplementary
i am not equivalent
i am not distinguished &
i am not yet free

i am lush squelch
of mud between toes now past enjoyment
i am vastness
in the interrogation of an experience
i am crescendo
transposing drama with tragedy and
i am insolence by design

i am not insurmountable
i am not collectable
i am not insignificant &
i do not exist

23:07 / 20.11.05

[bump] i must have posted this in a quiet phase.... ?

00:46 / 21.11.05

1) i am soft caress
of a cheese-knife into brie

I'm sorry, but I find this funny and I don't think I'm supposed to. I would suggest another simile.

2) i am vibrations in a cochlea
from the whoosh of a silver blade

Another instance of unintended humour. What's underlined needs to be changed. I suggest avoiding onomatopoeia.

3) i am sweetness
of the only time we ever touched

I really like this. For me, this is the best line in the whole poem.

4) i am lush squelch
of mud between toes now past enjoyment

More onomatopoeia that doesn't sound nice. Even in terms of pure poetic sound, this doesn't sound nice. Squelch is not a very pleasant word to hear.

5) Your structure is pleasant; I like the use of the "chorus", bringing us back to the point.

6) A general note:
In terms of audio, you have a very nice lyrical style. I like how you put certain sounds together, such as:
i am vastness
in the interrogation of an experience.
This style reminds me of Vladimir Nabokov, in terms of sounds.
Other than that, good poem. I look forward to reading more from you (I know that sounds condescending, but I mean it)

13:39 / 21.11.05

Seconding pretty much everything matt said.

Onomatopoeia is always a bit risky, I think, and you have to choose the word carefully. If you don't want to get rid of it entirely, try other sounds; otherwise, try action verbs. I think I would substitute a verb for "squelch", perhaps ooze. The other is more difficult, because you're actually talking about sound vibrations - are there other words that capture the sound you're wanting besides "whoosh"? Maybe something that alliterates with the "s" in "silver" would be nice, because it would sound whooshy - swish, perhaps, or hiss?

There are some turns of phrase in here I really like, very lyrical and elegant.

Nice thread summary, too.

04:42 / 22.11.05

Perhaps:
"the slip of a silver blade"

"i am lush slide
of mud between toes now past enjoyment"

19:22 / 23.11.05

hey matt and sehkmet - ta so much for such detailed appraisals and suggestions.

hadn't thought about the onomatopaeia as an issue - but now you say it, i can't help but agree. and i must say, i enjoy being called 'elegant'!

i'll bring this back out under the harsh light of scrutiny and edit - i'll let you know the results... thanks again