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What proper Fantasy should sound like.

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Less searchable M0rd4nt

22:05 / 28.10.05

All Dragons should secretly talk like George Saunders.

Next.

Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!

22:18 / 28.10.05

Dwarves should sound like they huff helium, like, ALL DAY LONG.

Ganesh

22:22 / 28.10.05

In a mine. In a mine. In a mine. In a mine. Where a million diamonds

...

shine.

All Acting Regiment

23:53 / 28.10.05

Some legitimate types of Dragon:

Black!
Lightning!
Fire!
Ice!
Forest!
Skeleton!
Mechanical!

Some not:

Pastel
Tobacco
Nylon

Saint Keggers

01:56 / 29.10.05

What about a luck dragon? Or did The Neverending story mean nothing to your childhood?

All bars/taverns must have at least one dark corner.

3/4 of all the powerful magicians must act befuddled. One/16ths of those must actually be a cleverly diguised god.

All orders must be shouted by at least 4 different people before the can be carried out.

Someone must slam their fist on the table and thus spill wine from a goblet. Possibility of that wine being poisoned is quite high.

Saint Keggers

01:58 / 29.10.05

Um... just noticed "sound" portion of the title.

All erroneous posters must sound like Roseanne Rosannadanna
when they say: "Nevermind."

All Acting Regiment

02:34 / 29.10.05

"Our weapons are useless!"

"Quick, use the X of Y!"

Mistoffelees

07:31 / 29.10.05

This thread reminds me of the LOTR-FOTR (sounds a bit offensive

) extended DVD commentary, where John Howe [who walks around in real armour as a hobby] complains, that swords make sounds in movies when they are unsheathed, when in reality there´s no sound at all. And that the audience is so used to this effect, that it would disturb them, if there wasn´t any sound.

So a proper sword unsheathes in silence!

And do something about these creaking doors, while you´re at it.

And about the Wilhelm scream, too.

Quantum

14:35 / 29.10.05

Warriors exclaiming "What manner of foul sorcery is this!!" must be from the West Country with husky pipe smokers voices.

w1rebaby

15:42 / 29.10.05

And all elves must be from Yorkshire.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

15:53 / 29.10.05

All faceless semi-human guards must make that weird stuck-pig noise on death. You know the one.

Mourne Kransky

16:00 / 29.10.05

There are no Scottish hobbits, pace Peter Jackson. They're all from the West Country. Grrr. Arrg.

Skeletons rattle.

And skulls, when suspended from a Conan-type belt, clunk like snooker balls or a Newton's Cradle in motion.

All Acting Regiment

17:03 / 29.10.05

Yeah, and when a formation of soldiers charges, it has to go:

"Huuuuwaaaahhh!"

And then when the arrows rain down on them it has to be like:

"WuffWuffWuffSplutchWuffWuffAHARGHA!WuffWuff".

Jack Fear

19:21 / 29.10.05

With a group: You guys, fellows, folks, alla youse, troops, and men are out. The only acceptable forms of address are My friends and, very occasionally, Brothers/brethren.

Jack Fear

19:24 / 29.10.05

Also: metal on metal never makes a dull, clunking noise; always the high, sweet bell-like ringing of a hammer striking an anvil. In an echo chamber.

Axolotl

18:12 / 30.10.05

When drawing attention to an object, never say "look at that", or "coo", it's always "behold".
Never refer to your boss as "boss","guvnor", or "chief", always use "master". "My liege" may be acceptable if you are of the Lawful/Good persuasion. "Sirrah" is just taking the piss.

All Acting Regiment

00:15 / 31.10.05

Speaks for itself.

"Half-Ogre Paladin?" Interesting idea, but come on now... who'd believe it? This impressive brute is ready to toss a massive log on any dissbelievers, and failing that he can follow up with a rather impressive man-sized maul!

Charlie's Horse

02:18 / 31.10.05

Male thieves should always speak as though they've been smoking a carton a day for a few years, whilst women thieves shalt sound sultry and smoldering. All thieves must be sardonic and fond of irony. They must always wear black and be covered with tools of their trade, even if such would be incredibly conspicuous (on a stroll through a park during a bright summer day, at weddings and cocktail parties, etc).

The fantasy city's street lanterns are not designed to give off light, as popular lore has it, but to create constant pools of the deepest shadow within which thieves sneak, skulldug, and play snooker.

Supaglue

09:33 / 31.10.05

When ordering a pint, always say:

"Hark! Good barkeeper! A tankard of your finest mead! And here's a gold piece to tell me of any rumours about anything, you may have heard [hint]"

Supaglue

09:36 / 31.10.05

Oh yes, whilst I'm here, money must always be exchanged in a leather drawstring pouch, the contents of which will not be checked.

lord nuneaton savage

09:56 / 31.10.05

But which will land in the palm of whosoever you throw it too with a very satisfying "Chunk!" sound.

Sax

14:20 / 31.10.05

All women will be unable to supress "low animal moans" when having sex, consensual or otherwise.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

14:33 / 31.10.05

But!--the bag of gold, if thrown onto a trestle table, will spill open and make one of two noises:

GOOD (to hire handsome rogue for to rescue attractive princess, set destitute milkmaid up for life ect): A twingling ZzzzlOinglOinglOinglOinggggg!

EVIL (to hire cold-eyed assassin, buy out farm from under hardworking family in order to force daughter to marry you ect): Steely clatter as of a bag of knives, with accompanying Dar, Dar, DARRRR descending chords.

Bed Head

14:39 / 31.10.05

All giants should sound like Bernard Bresslaw. In fact, Hawk the Slayer is a good source for all sorts of fantasy sounds. That Hawk the Slayer elf has a rather cool voice, and I think there’s a pretty classy peeow peeow peeow prog-noise when they all go into battle accompanied by a ‘confusion spell’ that looks like a load of flourescent ping-pong balls.

Mistoffelees

16:15 / 31.10.05

For unknown reasons, in fantasy movies there has to be farting. Either of the hobbit, or princess, ogre, donkey, Dark Lord, wizard or dragon slayer. Must be the wholesome fantasy food.

Evil Scientist

09:03 / 01.11.05

Thief sidekicks must be cowardly, but they will invariably come through for you in the end.

Evil sorcerors have beautiful and exotic daughters who'll merrily betray them to the hero.

P. Horus Rhacoid

10:24 / 01.11.05

Exclamations of surprise and/or anger should make reference to arcane deities or heroes out of legend. E.g. 'By the surly beard of Mrifk!' Overblown adjectives a must.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

10:34 / 01.11.05

Unless you're Conan. In which case, you're a little more parochial and just say "crumbs!"

Mistoffelees

17:20 / 01.11.05

'By the surly beard of Mrifk!'

By Grabthar's Hammer, by the Sons of Worvan, you shalt be avenged!

invisible_al

19:46 / 01.11.05

Drums, lots of drums, some of those big fvck off kettle drums that are beaten when there's a fight, or when an army is on the move or when the hero is captured and forced to row in a galley. But yeah drums, lots of them and the bigger the better.

Mourne Kransky

20:21 / 01.11.05

As you heave a mighty claymore to smite the Evil Doer, the wretch will mewl like a starving kitten or perhaps like Kenneth Williams when his Irritable Bowel Syndrome had flared up again.

As you swing the great broadsword, the air swooshes like the folds of Vivien Leigh's crinoline in Gone With The Wind. As the metal cuts flesh and bone, there's a sound of squelching and crunching, like the hamster has been let out of its cage and Daddy just stood on it, then turned on his heel in surprise as you screamed at him.

The Evil Doer's head will then hit the ground with a dull, anticlimactic thud. The rest of the headless cadaver clatters earthwards like a Habitat saucepan rack collapsing, wrapped as it is in shiny metal bits and neolithic bling.

Bard: One-Man Humaton Hoedown

20:27 / 01.11.05

The evil sorcerer will always turn into a snake for the final fight. It doesn't matter if the hero is named Anti-Snake the Serpent Slayer, with his Viper-Slaying Broadsword of Snake-Murder, or if he previously, at some point, found an acid that ONLY works on giant snakes. The evil wizard will be a giant snake for the last 5 minutes of his life.

This is not, due to popular opinion, becuase the evil wizard thinks it will let him win, or becuase he has a death wish, or because he's a herpaphile. No, its to be contrary, because its harder to bury a giant 50ft long cobra than it is to bury a snivelling 5'4" vizier. Additionally, dead snakes stink more. So for years afterwards he'll still be getting his revenge on the wardrobe of whoever moves into his palace.

Bard: One-Man Humaton Hoedown

20:29 / 01.11.05

errr...oh. Right. Forgot the sound effects.

And that serpent rustling along the ground will either sound like satin bed sheets (if the hero is an idiot, and thus totally unable to notice the giant rattlesnake that's about to devour him) or like an armoured tank division going through a building (if the hero is a thief, and thus his natural cowardice will cause him to run away until he realizes that he doesn't get the reward OR get laid by the beautiful princess till the menacing viper is vanquished).

Additionally, all sorcerers wheeze. Can you think of an evil magician who DOESN'T sound like he's do for a traecheotomy any day now?

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