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Hyperparenting
“We named him Stephen,” she says to the other mothers standing around the carriage on this beautiful summer day. “After the physicist Stephen Hawking,” she adds, making sure everyone in the park is aware of it.
The baby coos a little, and Eva smiles, her heart flying around in her chest. She looks back up at the other mothers and says, “He’s a gifted baby. I know it.” Nobody says anything, so she says, “And to make him as healthy as possible, he’s a vegan. That means he won’t have any animal products whatsoever. He’ll be eating veggies and loving it. No meat for this baby.”
“He’s so cute,” says one mom holding an unfortunately average baby.
“Yeah,” says the chorus of moms.
“Thank you,” Eva responds. She is proud of her Stephen. “Well, I have to get going. He has Spanish lessons in-” she examines her watch “-26 minutes. I have to pre-quiz him.” She begins pushing the ultra light super cool carriage away and the mothers resume chatting among themselves.
Eva says to the baby, “One plus one is two. It’s very simple. One and two is three. One and three is four. You see?” The baby giggles. “Show mommy what one and one is? With your fingers!” The baby lifts up both hands and slaps them down on the plastic barrier holding him. “That’s okay,” says Eva. “I know you’re a little crampy. But just so you know, one and one is two. See?” She shows the peace sign to Stephen.
Eva and Stephen reach the little house and Adam opens the door on cue. He ushers them into the safety of the house and he shuts the door behind them. He locks the two deadbolts and fixes the chain. He bends down slightly and says in voice devoid of baby-talk, “How’s my genius, today? What’s five and five, Stephen?”
The baby slaps the plastic barrier.
“Ten!” Adam squeals. “That’s right.” He stands up and examines the clock in the hallway. “23 minutes until Spanish. Do you want to pre-quiz him, or should I?”
“I don’t think he’s interested in Spanish today. Do you want to pop in a ‘Genius Baby’ DVD?” Eva unlocks her child from the safety of the carriage and hoists him to her chest, where he starts pawing at nourishment.
“Which one?” Adam asks from the DVD library in the Learning Room.
While walking to the living room, Eva says, “The spelling one called ‘Baby Loves to S-P-E-L-L’. He hasn’t worked on his spelling in two days.”
“Great choice,” Adam remarks, freeing the disc from its protective rounded shell and he penetrates the player with the disc. He straightens up and the doorbell rings. He stares at the red clock the shape of a planet in the Learning Room and announces that the Spanish tutor is early.
“Can you get it?” Eva asks. She’s busy preparing a protein shake for Stephen, who sits on the floor playing an abacus.
Adam unlocks the two deadbolts and unlatches the chain. He opens the door to find his mother, Ruth, carrying a fire engine and a plastic bag. She squeals a greeting at him and steps inside.
“Yes?” Adam asks, still holding the door.
“I thought I’d give you two the night off,” Ruth explains, taking off her shoes. “Go see a movie, grab a bite to eat. You guys haven’t left the baby alone since he was born. You kids deserve a night off.”
“No thank you, Ruth,” Eva answers.
Hearing the mother’s voice, Ruth walks past Adam and enters the living room, shrieking baby-talk at the poor infant.
“We’re fine, Mom,” Adam answers, locking the two deadbolts and latching the chain. He peeks into the peephole to see if any weirdo is thinking of breaking in. Home invasions are very common nowadays, and Adam does not want somebody kidnapping Stephen.
Leaving the hallway, Adam says, “Stephen is getting Spanish lessons in… 21 minutes. After that, he’s playing the piano with Eva for 20 minutes. We may squeeze in a little math later if we have time. Busy night, Mom.”
In the kitchen, Ruth kneels, babbling to the baby. She drops her plastic bag on the floor and hands the toy she brought to the baby on the floor.
Adam, standing over her sighs and says, “Mom, remember we talked about the baby-talk? It’s doesn’t nurture a healthy linguistic ability.”
“Oh! It’s doesn’t hurt anybody.”
“What?” Eva snaps. “What is that?”
“A fire truck. For Stephen.”
“He doesn’t need it.”
“Oh. Ah…”
“Thank you, though, Ruth. It just doesn’t have an educational value, does it?” Eva bends down and removes the unsafe toy from her son’s innocent clutches and places it on the counter, high above his reach. She also notices the plastic bag.
“Ruth,” she groans. “We also have a no-plastic bag policy in this house. They’re not safe. What if he-”
“It’s just a bag,” interjects Adam’s mother.
“What if he puts it on his head and suffocates?” Eva continues.
“I’m sure he won’t-“
“Nonetheless, Ruth, please?”
She sighs and picks up the bag. She tosses it onto the counter and it makes a large bang, which startles the previously calm baby and he screams in surprise. Eva groans in disgust at the intruding Ruth and picks up Stephen. While walking to the Learning Room, Eva says, “As well, we have a no loud noises policy, Ruth. It’s upsetting.”
Once Eva is out of earshot, Ruth hisses at Adam, “What is going on here? No loud noises?”
“Mom, she’s right. I want my child to be as happy as possible.”
“I understand that, sweetie, but-“
“And big bangs do nothing to nurture a healthy environment.”
“A little scare never hurt anybody.”
“Really? I think that was a big scare, Mom.”
“Ugh. Fine.” Ruth follows the baby into the Learning Room, where Eva is breastfeeding. Stephen has headphones on, and Ruth can faintly hear classical music. Ruth crouches beside the young mother, apologizes quietly, and asks if Eva would like Ruth to baby-sit tonight.
“No way. We have… 14 minutes until the Spanish tutor arrives, and I have done no pre-quizzing whatsoever.”
Ruth stands up and turns to Adam. “Spanish?”
“Young minds are like sponges, Mom. It’s best to teach them as much as possible while their minds are still absorbing.”
“Shouldn’t you be teaching him English first?”
“Yeah, he’s picking up on what we’re saying right now. He’s absorbing our language this second.”
“No he’s not. He’s listening to Mozart.”
“Schubert, actually,” Eva snaps.
“Ugh,” Ruth replies. She shakes her head and says, “Okay, but after the Spanish lessons and the piano playing, don’t you guys want a night to yourself?”
“Not really,” Eva quickly answers. “I have Stephen.”
Without a word, Ruth turns back to her son, who offers no response.
Eva says, “Anyway, Adam has to get to sleep early. He doesn’t get very much sleep on the couch, so the more hours….”
“What?” Ruth exclaims. “You’re sleeping on the couch? What’s wrong with your bed?”
“Well, where’s the baby going to sleep?” Adam asks.
“Stephen sleeps in your bed?” Ruth asks. “What’s wrong with that new crib Harold and I got you?”
“It’s unsafe. It could collapse at any second, burying my son under plastic,” Eva explains.
“Ugh,” Ruth responds. She grabs Adam’s elbow and leads him out of the Learning Room. In the kitchen, she whispers, “You’re not sleeping in the same bed with your wife?”
“No,” Adam says very slowly, because his mother is just not getting it. “No, where is Stephen going to sleep?”
“In the crib that cost hundreds of dollars. Ugh.”
Adam offers no explanation. He shrugs instead.
Ruth whispers, “But when do you and Eva have… intimate time?”
“Sex? We don’t need it. Stephen is more important than our sex life, Mom. Thanks for asking.” He chuckles to himself.
“Ugh,” Ruth replies.
“We don’t ask you to understand, Ruth,” says Eva. She is suddenly standing in the kitchen without Stephen. Ruth spins around and glares at her daughter-in-law. Eva continues, “We want our talented and special boy to be raised in the perfect environment. It’s that simple. We want to be the best parents possible.”
“But, Eva, honey,” the elder woman says very patiently. “How do you know your child is gifted?”
Eva gasps.
Adam says very quickly, “We just know, Mom. He’s going to be a Nobel prize winner. We just know in our hearts.”
“Listen,” Ruth says coldly, “every parent wants to think their kid is the smartest one on the block. But you have to face facts. Stephen is probably not as smart as his namesake. It’s-“
“No,” Eva snaps. “He is a genius, Ruth. It’s plain to see. He will go on to great things. He won’t if you’re constantly giving him negative exposure-“
“But that’s-“
“No! The most positive environment is the most conducive for intellectual development!”
“Stop quoting from parenting books, Eva!”
“Mom!” Adam interjects helplessly.
“Stop telling me how to raise my child!” The young mother is very distraught. She cannot believe that Ruth would have the audacity to say such things. She’ll never be as good as mother as Eva. It’s very simple.
Ruth says, “Ugh” and walks away from this conversation.
Adam merely stands there watching this train wreck.
But Eva is not finished. She says to the grandmother, “And another thing, Ruth. The reason why we don’t have you baby-sit is because I don’t trust you. I’m-“
“What?” Ruth shrieks.
“-I’m fairly sure you’re going to feed my child things that are not on the diet. I’m constantly reminding you not to feed Stephen fries or ice cream or hamburgers and you’re always waving that stuff in front of his face. It’s not healthy food!”
“Jesus Christ,” Ruth says.
“Hey!” Eva shrieks. “Do not take the Lord’s name in vain!”
“Ugh. Shut up, Eva. Nobody cares.”
“I run a household built on faith and education, Ruth, and I would greatly appreciate it if you followed my rules, and that means following the Ten Commandments.”
Ruth grins horribly. “Then that means you must honor thy mother and thy father.”
“Mom!” Adam interjects helplessly.
“I’m just trying to do the right thing and you’re harassing me about it!” cries Eva. “I want you out of here! The Spanish tutor is going to be here in… 9 minutes. Please leave.” She turns around and hugs Adam.
Ruth says nothing for a moment. She’s thinking of mean and spiteful things to say to the young mother, but zero comes to mind. So she turns around and walks to the hallway where the locked door prevents her escape from this parenting nightmare. She can hear Eva cry in the kitchen and she feels guilty. She caused this debacle.
She unlocks the door and steps outside. A lovely young woman steps to the door and says, “Hello,” with a slight accent. Ruth nods and marches past her. She looks to the sky and ponders the future of Stephen.
Back in the house, the Spanish tutor is commencing the lessons. Eva drinks some soy milk in the kitchen. She can hear the lesson, but she’s not really paying all that much attention. She’s thinking about how hurtful and selfish Ruth is. She's thinking about how Stephen will show his grandmother that she was wrong. He’d better do so. Failure is not an option. |
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