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NB: I'm writing this here because I'm about to rant about a sensitive situation and have a chance of anonymity on Barbelith I wouldn't have on my blog or wherever. What follows is a case study of questions around how to change the system and not get yourself burnt in the process. Do you change it from the inside? Or do you give up and fuck shit up however you can? Even without wanting to be a reformist, when you depend on some people 'inside' the system, how do you manage to critique them without losing your ability to work with them? How do you keep your self-respect in situations that require compromise? Should you compromise at all?
The situation: I'm trans, okay, and this year I've been managing a collaborative project btw the trans advocacy group I'm in and a major, city-wide queer health organisation to produce a handbook for gender-questioning and trans youth. They wanted us to write the book because we're politically situated on the genderqueer/anti-gender binary side, rather than talking about transsexuality and how we were born in the wrong bodies. So, we wrote a draft. We were encouraged to be upfront and honest. In it were various bits of advice like, Watch out for some psychiatrists; find a doctor you trust and who listens to you; if you go through medical transition, it can be difficult and you may need to see an independent counsellor to deal with the trauma produced by seeing squillions of shrinks. As well as other pretty standard advice: don't take crap from anyone, be strong, be patient with yourself, don't make rash decisions, etc. We also included a list of trans-friendly doctors and shrinks.
Then the compromises began. First, they said they couldn't publish a list of trans-friendly doctors -- but they were willing to publish the details of the local Gender Clinic, which we have all listed might lead on some path to 'explicit content' so we had to remove pretty much all the online resources. 'Okay,' we said, 'we want this to happen. This is collaborative. You have to cover your ass. Okay.'
Then I didn't hear anything for a while. But this morning the Director of the big queer health organisation emailed me to say that she'd sent the draft around to some 'field workers'. Including, by the way, a psychiatrist who is 'reluctant' to treat me because I've been publicly critical of the Gender Clinic he works at -- and who also happens to be treating the amazing 18 yo who's been working with me on this project in so he can begin hormones and get surgery. The psychiatrist said the publication had an 'angry tone' and that we were too harsh on health care providers, ie him. So, the Director rewrote our draft in a 'softer tone' (without tracking the changes, so we can't even see what has changed without comparing each version by hand). If we're not prepared to okay this, they won't be able to publish it.
I am absolutely furious. First, because it breached a sense of trust that the Director understood and had listened to us when we related the problems many, many transpeople have experienced with this particular clinic and its power-tripping shrinks. Second because she's given us an ultimatum, and all we can do is pull out, or say 'okay'. Third, because the shrink's opinion about this booklet could really influence how he and the other Gender Clinic staff deal with the 18 year old. Let alone my situation, which is a neverending tussle to get approved for surgery -- three years after I tried in the first place. Fourth, because we've wasted so much time compromising when we could have put the booklet out as a zine by now, hand-photocopied, put it online, and distributed it within our own networks instead of wanting the Big Gay Health Org to give it to schools, teachers, social workers, etc.
We were so proud of our booklet, and now I feel dirty. I'm waiting for someone to come up and say, "I told you so." This happens every time any Big Org of any kind shows interest in any issue I'm working on: they evince 'real interest', then say lots of nice things, then want to water your 'message' down to nothing, so they can stay 'neutral'. Finally, they just get bored with watching you try to negotiate politely with them and swat you, just to show how much more power they have than you. I always get excited when people in positions of power take an interest in what I do, and maybe that's my mistake.
So, sympathy please, but also a question for those politically minded or working in a position where you'd like to change something and you've got to negoaite delicate power lines: whaddaya do? Compromise? Negotiate? Fuck that shit and do it yourself, with fewer resources? How do you keep your self-respect? |
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