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How do you wipe your bottom?

13:31 / 09.09.05

OK I know it's is an unpleasant sounding topic but it's not a joke... this is something I've wondered about since I was 12 and it's only just occurred to me that a forum might be a way to finally find out the answer.

Background story:

I have no memory of my toilet training, I was rather young at the time. Yes some people claim to be able to remember experiences from the womb but they are full of shit and I don't believe them. I was, obviously, an infant and for whatever reason, right or wrong, I was taught to wipe my bum by reaching back under from the front. When I was 12 I went on a school camp and at one stage I had to go to the toilet. There were no doors on the cubicles and a dog was standing right in front of me trying to make friends at the time. There was also a human friend of mine standing there watching me take my crap and talking to me, which even then I found to be very odd behaviour on his part but this issue was never raised in conversation with him. Anyway, I had finished and had to wipe off so I did so by reaching down between my legs from the front. My friend laughed and asked what I was doing. "Wiping my arse" I replied. "Why from the front?" he questioned, to which I replied, being quick even at that age, "well there's a bloody great dog right in front of me and if I reached back he might bite my dick!". Honour was satisfied, friend was amused, dog was non-plussed, and ever since that day I've reached around behind and wiped that way, assuming that that's what I must be supposed to do.

I'm older now and for reasons related to general health or rotundness of physique or damage to whatever internal organs I may have abused over the years, I am lately finding the twisting around and reaching from behind manouvre somewhat painful. I have reverted to my pre-teen method which is, I have to say, a lot less awkward and consequently easier. This has led me to wonder if perhaps I was right all along and if it was just my friend that was odd all those years ago. I mean, how does one know? It's not like this is a topic that anyone talks about, certainly not in my experience anyway.

So I just thought I'd ask, on the off chance that anyone might care to, y'know, elaborate, or call me an idiot for asking.

Whatever.

Sorry, I know it's a strange question.

13:33 / 09.09.05

Yes, it is and you should be.

13:48 / 09.09.05

this just reminded me in the observe last weekend there was a half page add with a photo of a woman in her underwear with a little devil holding its nose perched on her butt. it was for sani wipes. apparently they've decided that if you just use regular toilet paper you'll stink. i put the add in my appocalypse journal.

13:51 / 09.09.05

..with this thread.

13:58 / 09.09.05

Can't wait until this appears in Monday's Guardian.

14:26 / 09.09.05

Timelord, never mind deciding whether or not to wipe from front or back, don't you think you have more important things to be getting on with?

Like, saving the Solar System from the Galactic invaders and correcting the fractured timelines?

You're really showing us up here, because if they find out, you'll lose all your Cosmic respec, fo'.

14:32 / 09.09.05

To be fair, George Carlin has made a good career out of asking people these kinds of questions, then getting up on stage and telling everyone. Among other things.

15:42 / 09.09.05

Urban legend: Elvis wiped himself with live ducks. He liked the smooth- and softness of the feathers. Quack!

20:10 / 09.09.05

Elvis ate way too much and he used the pills to block himself up the poor dear. Imagine dying of constipation - that will kill you! I can remember getting my nappy changed but not much about potty training. Do you wipe with the right hand or the left hand, apparently this means your chosen tantra path, whether you're a goody or a baddy! Depends how you were brought up doesn't it or how you rebelled.

Red Cross Iodized Salt

20:34 / 09.09.05

It wouldn't surprise me in the least if this thread were to reach several pages in length without a single response to the original question.

21:46 / 09.09.05

Back to front. Sensible. Women shouldn't but they do.

22:38 / 09.09.05

It wouldn't surprise me in the least if this thread were to reach several pages in length without a single response to the original question.

Yeah, I think the response to this thread is a bit tight, tbh. Timelord very openly asks a perfectly serious question about something that's a bit earthy, and everyone points and giggles. Even I'm considering a 'taking the piss' gag, and I've come to defend him.
Back to the 'Body Shop' thread, perhaps.

Women shouldn't but they do.

Do they? You know this how?

I think this is interesting, because it's one of the few behaviours that (I thought) most people never do in front of others, and so one's technique is arrived at in isolation. As a result, I expect that people have all kinds of lavatorial routines that they imagine are standard but aren't.

I, for instance, go front to back. Although it's more bottom to top because I pretty much stand up. *I imagine half the people reading that to be furrowing their brows with perplex, and the other half simultaneously thinking 'yeah, who doesn't?'*

23:05 / 09.09.05

Women shouldn't but they do.

Because they tell their ex-boyfriends that they shouldn't have and their doctor told them when they were 17 that one of the best ways to avoid thrush is not to? Something like that, I'd guess.
A more interesting question is how long your bog roll lasts. I'm always amazed when a woman can make a roll that would normally last a month or so disappear in a weekend. I realise there's a higher requirement, but that much?

And no, while I have shamelessly bumped the thread, I'm not saying which direction.

23:09 / 09.09.05

Don't remember how exactly it came up in conversation, but I do remember that when I was a little girl my mom told me girls have to go front to back because you'd spread germs going back to front. I suppose for men it doesn't matter as much. Huh. Not something I probably ever *had* to know, but there you have it.

23:10 / 09.09.05

See, Barbelith? That is how you redeem a thread.

I'm with Smoothie on this one. I go bottom to top, usually - depending on the venue - sitting down with a slight half-squat forward.

Back to front.

See, I don't get that. Wouldn't you be wiping crap towards your perineum?

Women shouldn't but they do.

Some of my best friends are misogynist gays.

23:46 / 09.09.05

I'm always amazed when a woman can make a roll that would normally last a month or so disappear in a weekend.

I think a higher proportion of women are 'wrappers'. Either that or 'scrunchers'. And, of course, more women than men use bog roll after a slash.

23:56 / 09.09.05

And no, while I have shamelessly bumped the thread, I'm not saying which direction.

Sorry, Cube, but I'm fascinated by this. Why not?

00:53 / 10.09.05

Potty training has actually made this an issue in my house too, but y'all have pretty much covered the angles.

I go either way.

So how many of y'all have used a bidet?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

00:55 / 10.09.05

Ooh God no. They look WAY too scary.

01:41 / 10.09.05

"I'm always amazed when a woman can make a roll that would normally last a month or so disappear in a weekend."

I'll admit to being one of those people who uses way too much toilet paper, but it's not from being a scruncher (I'm not a scruncher) and I don't think it's due to the configuration of my genitals. It's, um.....it's having to wipe a gazillion times to get all the poo off my asshole. I don't know if it has to do with the consistency of my poo or the positioning of my ass when I poo, but when I poo, there's always a lot to wipe up. And, ya know, I poo at least twice a day. There are certain circumstances that cause me to need to poop way more often than that even (I'm not talking about illness...I mean everyday sorts of things like drinking too much caffeine). I really wish I didn't use so much toilet paper.

There. Now you know way too much about my pooping habits.

Pooky Is Just My Pornstar Name

02:05 / 10.09.05

Do you have lots of fibre in your diet, Baked Good? As far as I know, caffeine is a diuretic not a laxative.

02:10 / 10.09.05

"There were no doors on the cubicles"

I really hate it when I have to use a bathroom that has no stall doors, by the way.

The worst bathroom ever was one I wanted to use at a bar I was hanging out at in San Francisco. I forget the name of the bar (anyone know it? you'd remember that bathroom). I think it was a gay bar (although I guess it might not have been, and just have been drag night or something. I don't even know why I went. I find drag shows to be demeaning. I know that's unreasonable...but I do). Anyway, so there was one bathroom for anyone to use. When I saw it I hoped that maybe it was just the men's bathroom, and that I could find a women's bathroom to use, but there was no other bathroom in the bar (well, there was probably an employee bathroom hidden somewhere, complete with stalls and soap for handwashing). The bathroom had urinals and no toilets. No stalls. Just urinals. How the fuck am I supposed to pee in a urinal? Yeah, I know there are devices I could use for that, but I haven't mastered the use of any of them, and I really don't think it's acceptable to expect me to have. There were quite a few women in that bar, and you'd think that the people who owned the bar would want to accomodate them by installing a fucking toilet. And what about men who need to take a shit, or have a prince albert or who're pee shy or whatnot? Even if they're just trying to make it passive-aggressively clear that women aren't welcome, there are lots of men (like myself) who need to sit down to pee, or who might need to poo. And it's in San Francisco, which means that you can't just go next door to use the bathroom. You know how the businesses are in big cities (or are they different in your country?). They either pretend that they don't have a bathroom (you know they have one for employees) or they require you to be a customer to use it. And it's San Francisco, so you can't just find some private bushes or whatever. Fucking A.

[/rant]

02:40 / 10.09.05

"Do you have lots of fibre in your diet, Baked Good? As far as I know, caffeine is a diuretic not a laxative."

yes, there is quite a bit of fiber in my diet.

And I know that caffeine is a diuretic. I could have complained about how it makes me pee, but I really don't care about that. I know that it's not a laxative. My body's just weird. And caffeine isn't the thing that gives me the most digestive hell. But caffeine is an annoying one. I can't avoid caffeine altogether because I work difficult hours. That will soon change though. Yay.

06:55 / 10.09.05

I'll admit to being a scruncher, but it's necessary to stop dingleberries forming. 'Cause, you know, when they dry it's like plucking your asshairs out all at once with pliers.
And remember, girls, it's P to A, never A to P- not only the risk of disease, but out of consideration for anyone who may be munching your groceries. I mean it's never stopped me, but I still don't like chocolate in my anchovies.

07:37 / 10.09.05

I justed wanted to add, I think it´s good that this topic is discussed. Not for the topic itself, but to acknowledge the embarassment.

Because people being embarrassed talking about anything in that area can turn out to be quite dangerous for them.

Many diseases or illnesses get worse or fatal simply because people were embarassed to go to their doctor and talk about it. When the problems get too much and they finally go to see their doctor, it could be too late to help them. Or they find, that they bore unnecessary pain for a long time, because they would not tell their doctor about these problems.

My father for example had haemorrhoids and waited a long time, until he finally talked to his doctor. Then the problem was easily fixed and he was amazed and glad, how quick he was relieved from this painful problem. And he could have had that months, maybe years sooner.

08:06 / 10.09.05

I thought that Elvis wiped himself with live frog legs. Something about a "cleansing texture." It escapes me, really.

13:20 / 10.09.05

You learn something new every day, Pooky.

09:05 / 11.09.05

haha pwned!!!!!1!11

seriously though, I thought I was just weird. I get a hell of a lot of caffeine.

09:58 / 11.09.05

I feel for all those people who learn their toilet habits in lands where toilet paper is abjured. I'm sure bucket and scoop method works very well though I've never got the hang of it. However, it does mean you discipline yourself to use the left hand for dirty stuff and the right hand for clean stuff. Gives me pause when someone used to a manual division of labour interacts with a Brit who hands over payment with a left hand or such.

Pooky Is Just My Pornstar Name

01:30 / 12.09.05

Thanks for the info, Ibis. The next time I'm in need of prune juice, and if there's none in the house, I'll make coffee instead.