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Flyboy's Guide To Being Guy Ritchie

Regrettable Juvenilia

11:28 / 25.08.05

1. Pretend to be a cockney wideboy when you are in fact a toff.

2. Make series of shit films. Then stop, by popular demand.

3. Befriend Vinnie Jones.

4. Marry Madonna, ensuring rapid drop in quality of her musical output and the loss of all that is good or interesting about her public persona.

Regrettable Juvenilia

11:30 / 25.08.05

5. Family - very important as they have a country house, titles and lots of bundle, but it's best that the media never find out who they are. If they do, bribe or threaten media to hush it up.

Triplets

11:31 / 25.08.05

Who is Guy Ritchie?

Ganesh

11:33 / 25.08.05

6) Joke about "poofs" when interviewed, to ensure that, despite marrying a gay icon, you are not a gayer yourself.

Ganesh

11:34 / 25.08.05

7) This is what David Gest forgot to do. Remember that.

_Boboss

11:41 / 25.08.05

X) Find a street corner, (anywhere will do although you'll probably find you're spending most of your time within earshot of Bow Bells) and try flogging bits of red string to anyone who looks at you a little funny.

Alex's Grandma

11:41 / 25.08.05

8) Grow a beard

Ganesh

11:42 / 25.08.05

9) Marry a beard.

Sax

11:51 / 25.08.05

10) Say FACK.

■

11:53 / 25.08.05

10) Find mockney violence amusing.

Ganesh

11:55 / 25.08.05

11) Hate bisexuals (probably).

Eloi Tsabaoth

11:58 / 25.08.05

12) Unless they are fit strippers who work in gentlemen's clubs, where 95% of all 'proper deals' are negotiated, drinking in the moodily lit seedy atmosphere.

Ganesh

12:02 / 25.08.05

13) Make films celebrating the joyous company of attractive, suspiciously well-groomed males in natty leather coats, living together and utterly failing to notice women who aren't prostitutes or their mothers, but are in no way "poofs" nuh uh uh uh and neither are you.

Eloi Tsabaoth

12:03 / 25.08.05

14) AND NEITHER ARE YOU. BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED (TO FUCKIN' MADONNA!) AND HAVE CHILDREN.

Ganesh

12:29 / 25.08.05

15) And if they say, "well, Oscar Wilde was married with children", tell them to fack orf.

Alex's Grandma

12:41 / 25.08.05

15) Involve your wife in increasingly hazardous activies in the hope that she'll end up in traction for months on end, thus giving you the opportunity to spend more time with 'the boys,' in particular Jason Statham, who could probably use a shoulder to cry on these days.

Ganesh

12:42 / 25.08.05

17) And that baldie ex-model one with the swimmer's musculature is well-fit too. In a 100% heterosexual way, obviously.

Tryphena Absent

12:46 / 25.08.05

dare

Ganesh

12:49 / 25.08.05

18) Recall that the baldie ex-model one is Jason Statham. You don't remember "geezers"' names, obviously; that would be gay.

Jack Denfeld

14:18 / 25.08.05

What's a toff?