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I want to try and unpack this a bit more if only for myself but maybe to provide some insight to others.
The lack of boundarys i feel makes me feel child like as if i need a parent type figure to look after me or a community to protect me. In the past martial arts have given me a greater sense of independence and to some extent have removed that need in a healthy way.
Part of me yesterday had the idea that i needed to go off and justify such a martial spirituality or a need for protection by arming myself, i felt that i somehow had to justify that, what that came out as was i need deadly weapons no matter what you think. That isnt quite true.
What i find i need most of all is a sense of security, as i stated before i feel as if i have no boundarys, thats nice if you have been given a choice in the matter and can come back from the experience, but not so good if that experience was brought on by childhood trauma. Still as useful as being boundless, but is more of a constant feeling of not having much self identity or boundarys because of the wounds left by violation.
All sorts of trust issues come forward as well, especially for me, having had my self taken from me, thats how it feels, Trust is a huge issue, and put simply very simply, i can trust people more if i know i can stop them crossing the boundarys i draw up for myself now and if they continue to invade me can use a display of force to warn them off. For example i would not hesitate to take the life of somebody that tried to rape me, and i have no moral qualms with it what so ever.
I know that flies in the face of many spiritual traditions and beliefs, including the law and it may be something that only another male survivor of rape could understand, and i have met those that have killed their abuser(s) and served the prison sentence for it after.
To understand the need i feel to be able to defend myself which may involve killing or disabling for life, you would have to understand the wound i have recieved. I am not justifying any actions that survivors of rape may take, nor am i saying those actions are right, what i am saying is that i have an understanding of how that would function in me.
Simply put - Something is trying to take me away from me and my liberty to be whom i am - reason, implore, persuade, understand,ignore, walk away, run away, disable it and if it persists kill it.
The survivors i have met have been a mixed bunch of people from all sorts of walks of life Dentists, Teachers, Carers Bouncers, Criminals, Antique dealers, Drop outs, Psychiatrists and a multi millionaire. I could not say with a 100% feeling that they would understand what i feel, but i think i could say that they also have that emotional range within them and perhaps could identify with feeling a lack of boundarys and as if they carry an open wound continually.
Having no boundarys also attracts alsorts of predatory types of people as well i have found, emotional abusers, mental bullys, people who trip out on the power of control especially. If they can figure out just how vulnerable you may be at times they will try to use this to steal your experience, your interests, use you politically and all sorts of other abusive behaviours.
I am not saying 'psychic vampire' and i am not being paranoid, these are experiences i put down to not having fully developed the power and stability of an adult personality. That in a sense gives me some insight into the way that the culture i am in in general relates to children and some idea of how children are conditioned by a variety of factors and how that works in my own life.
So while very many people may have an identity that is based upon a progressive sense of becoming older and gaining experience, i am constantly locked in a battle of growth and loss, feeling as if i lose my experiences and sometimes seeing them appear in others around me. As if i cannot progress or move on and become anything. And feeling as if others of a more predatory nature want to keep it that way.
Martial arts actually take alot of these feelings away, not all of them, but alot of them, the more i can learn about defending myself the securer i become, the more anger that gets expressed in a safe environment the less anger i carry with me into the relationships around me.
Theres more but i cannot quite get to it yet. |
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