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Amusing mishearings

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

13:35 / 15.06.05

Didn't know where else to put this, but I figured I just had to share it, so thought "amusing mishearings" could be a good topic.

Dunno if anyone's aware of the (particularly unpleasant and sad) case in the last couple of days about 352 animals being found in a small house in Cromer? Well, terrible though it is, I had to smile when I heard Radio 4's report on it...

Some will have to be put down, and a couple are being questioned by police.

Typing this, I am reminded of a time when a friend of mine got really freaked out because some guy had come up to him in Leicester Square while he was tripping and shouted "LESBIAN NAZIS!!!" at him. Turned out he was selling tickets for Les Miserables...

14:10 / 15.06.05

I would easily prefer lesbian nazis to Les Miserables. That's one shitty show.

This happens to me all the time but I can't think of any off the top of my head, except for my experience already recounted in another thread about thinking my neighbour was accusing his girlfriend of being a donkey and learning later that he was saying junky.

21:00 / 15.06.05

In an extraordinarily similar vein ,after not having partook of a toke for a while, I was shopping with a friend both of us being pretty stoned we were failing hideously at our every attempt to buy any suitable clothes. Still we prevailed having sneaky smokes throughout the day. Admist the listlessly expressed comments and unavoidable stumbling we realised time had gotten away from us and thus we would miss our bus.
However when my friend turned to me and expressed this "WE ARE GOING TO MISS OUR BUS CISTERN", (cue exaggerated stoned wringing of hands, open and distraught maw), all I heard was "MIZARBOS, MIZARBOS, MI-ZAR-BOS CISTERN" (pseudo eurotrash accent)
Having become increasingly fucked I presumed that either she much worse off than me or that she was having some kind of quasi mystical experience and channelling some kind of destitue french street urchin. MIZARBOS meaning something like "Oh but we are Miserable!"
Turns out ze was in a much better state than I and I was just being very weird.

Whisky Priestess

13:36 / 08.07.05

I can't find the original mishearings thread, so I'm using this one.

Me: Where are my pants?
Him: I hid them.
Me: You ate them?!

You had to be there ...

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

07:43 / 09.07.05

I don't THINK this was a mishearing, though it may well could have been, but this seemed like the best place for it...

...a few years back, me and a friend went to see Julian Cope. We'd done a bunch of speed and a pill each, and just as things were getting strange, and just before the gig came on, we overheard this wonderful exchange.

-Has anybody seen Steve? Did he come in with us?

-I'm not sure. (pause) What does he look like again?

-Dude, he's your fucking brother.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

21:22 / 25.10.05

That's the second time it's happened.

There's a shampoo ad on TV, and both times it's been on I've misheard "a splash of sea minerals" as... well, I've misheard "a splash of sea minerals", let's just leave it at that.

Mon Oncle Ignatius

21:27 / 25.10.05

Apparently, it's very good for the hair... so I've (mis?) heard.

P. Horus Rhacoid

22:27 / 25.10.05

A couple weeks ago I was watching 'British(?) Gladiators' on Sunday morning while intensely hung over. I swear that one of the announcers referred to a gladiator as 'Chesty Cockhunter'. Make of that what you will.

hanabius yamamura

22:35 / 25.10.05

... many many years ago, whilst attempting to register for a video store membership, the clerk obviously misheard part of my name and asked, seeking clarification with an alarmed look on his face, ' Cunting ?'

... mortifying ...

paranoidwriter waves hello

16:35 / 24.04.06

My friend - who I'll call Harvey - recently told me an amusing "mishearing" anecdote, which I hope you'll agree is worth sharing:

One Sunday night, already a little drunk, Harvey arrived late at his local pub and started doing the rounds, saying his "hello's" and casually looking around to see who was and wasn't there. He caught sight of an old, dear friend - a French man who I'll call Cyprian - sitting at a corner table with his new beau. But as Harvey slowly worked his way through the crowd towards them, he realised he couldn't remember Cyprian's girlfriend's name, so he decided instead to avoid the happy couple for a while, in the hope it would soon come back to him.

Tens minutes later, Harvey was standing at the bar waiting to be served, when Cyprian approached him,

"Hey Harvey!"
"Hey Cyprian!"
"You wanna shag Danielle?"

Harvey paused,

"Eh?"
"You wanna shag Danielle?" said Cyprian.

Harvey scanned his friend's face, hunting for clues: a suppressed smile, a twitching eye, anything. Sure, Cyprian was pissed, that much was obvious, but was he losing it? No, thought Harvey, it's not like Cyprian to be jealous; this has to be a wind-up.

"You winding me up?"
"No," said Cyprian. "You wanna shag Danielle?"

Bloody hell, thought Harvey, he's not saying what I think he is... Is he?...

"I said," sighed Cyprian. "Do you wanna shag Danielle?"

Harvey glanced over at Cyprian's girlfriend, sitting alone at the table, talking into her mobile phone. Hang on, he thought, I'm sure her name began with a 'J': Jane or Jenny or Julie or...

"Do you wanna shag Danielle?!" repeated Cyprian, impatiently.

Sod this, thought Harvey,

"Who the fuck's Danielle?!"

Cyprian took a step back, his brow knitted, his mouth pursed, then suddenly burst into a fit of laughter.

"I don't get it," said Harvey. "Who's Danielle?"
"Not 'Shh - agg - Dan - ielle'," beamed Cyprian, pointing to the row of bottles behind the bar,
"Jack Daniels!"

OK, I know written down like that, this story might seem convenient, almost a clichéd urban myth; but (and at the risk of sounding even more like a bad stand-up comedian) apparently it is a true story -- I know both "Harvey" and "Cyprian" well enough to believe them, and all the details fit. e.g. Harvey is known to be very fond of a Jack Daniels or three.

Anyhoo, I thought y'all might like it...

foolish fat finger

21:23 / 24.04.06

I like that.

that reminds me of a very embarrasing incident for me. I was out for a drink with my friend Kate. we bumped into a friend of mine in the pub, Jane. she was on a blind date with a guy, but it wasn't goin well. she asked us to join her, so we did. then, to my embarrasment, she started flirting with me in front of her date...

well, we had a few more drinks, and then she leaned over to me and whispered 'do you fancy it?' I looked at her, puzzled. 'sorry?' I said. she whispered in my ear again 'do you fancy it?! I didn't know what to say. so I asked her again, 'I'm sorry?' she leans right in my ear and says 'do you fancy it?!'
I looked at her, I looked at her date, and then I said out loud, 'what, tonight?!'

she says 'what did you think I was asking?'- turns out she was asking if I fancied Kate...

urrr, embarrassing...!

Mysterious Transfer Student

23:24 / 13.05.06

I was glad to be alone so that no one witnessed my embarrassed bemusement when half-listening to the TV and hearing an advert for insurance end with the words: "He knows he's okay, because he's covered by his cock's home insurance."

They didn't even pronounce it with a hard S to avoid confusion. Perhaps it's time for a rethink about the name?

23:47 / 13.05.06

Are they for real?

With Hiscox, confidence comes as standard

06:52 / 02.06.06

This morning John Negroponte was on the radio as I was gaining consciousness and I was wondering why he was going on about the threat of Anime characters getting loose and attacking America. In a half-dream I imagined all sorts of spiky-haired big-eyed children in landing craft.
Then.
Ohhh... enemy characters. Heh.

12:49 / 20.07.06

The TV is on in the background while I'm farting around online, and I just heard someone on a dumb action show say:

Could we take a shit by force?

I assume it was actually 'ship'.

07:07 / 22.09.06

I read stench explodes in bakery (Gestank explodiert in Bäckerei) in the morning news.

But it´s not a Gestank, it´s a Gastank.

07:08 / 22.09.06

Oh, it gets worse. I misread mishearings as misreadings. It´s still too early for me...

16:09 / 17.11.06

"That picture... the one of Cinderella's asshole. D'you still have that?"

I've never done a quadruple-take before. Neck hurts like hell now.

00:11 / 20.11.06

...but what were they saying?

13:23 / 20.11.06

"Castle." Cinderella's "Castle".

15:03 / 20.11.06

And the Punisher´s last name is Castle. A mere coincidence?

18:42 / 20.11.06

Apparently a man was poisoned by a gremlin recently.

Or was that Kremlin? Hang on...

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

18:53 / 20.11.06

melvin, I didn't get that one written down, either. Now it makes perfect sense! (I actually did spend several minutes at work last night trying to figure it out which could have been more profitably spent geting my minions to do my work for me).

I now have Mr Jolly Lives Next Door back in my head. "Elephant and Castle? Stick it up your asshole!"

miss wonderstarr

20:38 / 22.11.06

Listening to Kelly Clarkson's txtspk classic "Where is UR Heart" again, once more I hear the lines

And I've always dreamed
My love would be everlast
Like a pedophile into the ground a tree that follow in his dream

I really almost don't want to know the truth.

miss wonderstarr

20:43 / 22.11.06

Oh

Like a petal fallin' to the ground

21:18 / 22.11.06

apocryphal, from a friend of mine

*sings* "The lift goes up when we get on"

10:06 / 10.02.07

"Tessa Jowell says that extremely thin marbles should not be allowed on the catwalk"

Ok, I'm little hungover, but that makes perfect sense to me. The models would be slipping around all over the place.

21:52 / 11.02.07

While working on the Cotytto piece, I heard an ING Direct commercial:

"...most banks will pay penis for your savings..."

It's supposed to be, "peanuts".

21:55 / 11.02.07

That's a hard deal to top. You'd have to work furiously to beat it.

22:12 / 11.02.07

And Triplets makes me groan.

I now have Mr Jolly Lives Next Door back in my head. "Elephant and Castle? Stick it up your asshole!"

"Elephant & Castle" is a mishearing, already. Or possibly just terrible enunciation.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

15:21 / 24.09.07

Some guy on Radio 4 last night said that "blue tongue" virus was spread by midgets. I swear, he did!

...oh. Right. "Midges".