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Nul points

18:13 / 21.05.05

I may be the only saddo watching this but, as a gay man of a certain vintage, I feel an uncontrollable urge to join in the Eurovision excitement in Ukraine.

Xena Warrior Princess just reprised her winning song from last year, apparently in English, but the only words G and I could make out were you make me wet which seemed a bit forthright for 8pm on a Saturday evening. Maybe it's post-watershed in Kiev.

An evening of exotic and comic foreigners ahead. Wheeeee!

Shame we're not going to see a heavily pregnant Jordan representing Britannia.

Ah, Javine on already, sore throat and all. You go, girl!

19:48 / 21.05.05

Stick the subtitles on, Xoc, let us know if they come up with any howlers for the translations of the non-English lyrics. You normally get some good 'uns, but I can't face putting myself through that sort of pain just for a couple of laughs.

19:55 / 21.05.05

I would actually much rather be watching Eurovision than watching a butch of silly boys playing Tiger Woods golf on the Xbox, but they are the majority and they are occupying my one and only telly... I'm relying on you crazy kids to give me a commentary to rival the Wogan. What's happening? Did Javine stay inside her dress? Did she manage to sing? What's going on??

20:10 / 21.05.05

Javine sang well despite her much publicised throat problem. Appearing on stage in a handkerchief can't have helped though.

No translation problems since just about everyone sings in English these days since the rule change. Except the French, bless 'em.

The Ukrainian stage is a triumph of bright lights and techno gadgetry. I expect Two Unlimited to appear any minute. The hosts are wearing little bluetooth pieces but still shout excitedly in a less high tech way. Sweet, really.

I wish I could supply intelligent comment on the 24 aspiring Chansons d'Eurovision but they all sounded the same to me and that wasn't just musical fogeyness and deafness talking. Apart from Michelle MacManus representing Malta, they were all the same song and that was identical to last year's percussive winner. Drums, drums and more drums, with occasional half naked dancing boys.

The Ukrainian one sticks out as the anthem of the "Orange Revolution", performed by Kiev's answer to the Beastie Boy (strangely named Green Jolly, possibly Ukrainian for sweetcorn in a tin.) In translating the lyrics into English they had apparently lost the references to giving oral satisfaction to President Yushchenko and appeared to be begging for a Latte, straight up, in the chorus.

Now they're about to vote. I have several more bottles of vino tinto to see me through the long hours of thinly disguised European warfare. No point going out clubbing since all the other little poofs will be at home in front of the tv too.

I may fall asleep instead.

20:51 / 21.05.05

Aw, bless Javine in her wee hanky. I'm sure she was grand.

When did the rules change, and how? My Eurovision knowledge is so shallow...in fact, I didn't really think there were rules. I always imagined the whole backstage thing to be a bit like a school disco crossed with kareoke, or something.

Glad there is lots of drumming though.

Who's going to win then? I place my bet on...Spain. Yup. It's their year; I can feel it.

21:05 / 21.05.05

How's Our Tel's commentary this year, then? Likely to keep him as popular with the organisers as evre?

21:17 / 21.05.05

Tel has been well up to standard. You need someone to take the piss when the whole of Europe is being so serious about the damned thing.

Yes, there are rules, Strix, but I suspect they are as ill-defined as the rules to Mornington Crescent. It used to be the case that they all had to perform in their native tongues and that was thought to lead to groups of countries with the same or similar languages all voting for each other. So they changed the rules and allowed everyone to sing in any language. That meant that everybody but the French sang in English. And groups of countries with the same or similar languages still voted for each other... All adds to the Gaiety of Nations, I suppose.

Javine had no votes for the longest time because everybody hates us and then the lovely Irish gave her some points (they never used to vote for us when I were a lad). But then I remember the Glory Days of Lulu and Sandi Shaw.

For the last half hour it has been clear that Greece are going to win but we must trundle on painfully through countries nobody has ever heard of and wouldn't want to visit, giving their vote. I got a bit excited when they announced the LESBIAN vote but I misheard and they were just run of the mill Latvians.

I feel a little ashamed that I have just given over several hours of my life, yet again, to this annual festival of utter nonsense. I am comforted in the knowledge that my sisters have watched with similar close atrtention and so have many of the other Sisterhood.

Tryphena Absent

21:28 / 21.05.05

Flyboy wouldn't let me watch the subtitles but I enjoyed that greatly. I was rooting for Norway though so slightly disappointed.

21:34 / 21.05.05

You will get your reward in Heaven though, Nina.

And Flyboy will be in Hell being made to do karaoke versions of all the British Eurovision Winners.

21:38 / 21.05.05

Did Greece win then? Were they marvellous? Did Javine lose shamefully in spite of her hanky-frock?

21:49 / 21.05.05

Greece achieved the Grand Slam of World Cup and Eurovision Song Contest, the only two that really matter. They romped home by a huuuuuge margin in the end. I didn't rate it myself, nor did the BBC, it seems, who ran the closing credits half way through the victory performance. Hehe. British public gave it their douze points though.

Javine was not seen as she sulked backstage and consoled herself with White Lightning. She must have come in third or fourth from the bottom. She deserved better, to be fair, but the politics ye have always with ye.

The Ukrainians were clearly having the best party ever and seeing all of this as proof that they are now undoubtedly part of Europe and can put two fingers up to Moscow. Bless 'em.

ONLY NICE THINGS

21:51 / 21.05.05

Javine was not as bad as the UK have ever been (take a bow, Jemini, you fucks), but was a bit abject. Nowhere near as abject as cocking Latvia, though. How can they be doing so well? They sucked. Donkeys.

21:57 / 21.05.05

And the Latvian boys were exceptionally unattractive (and their song and choreography were crap). Unlike the pretty and co-ordinated Danes. But Greece had the prettiest boys by far, and their tops just flew open as they danced, in hommage to Buck's Fizz.

22:01 / 21.05.05

Latvia sucked donkeys?? Blimey.

It's past my bedtime, isn't it...

22:09 / 21.05.05

I was not able to watch all of this but I must say this was my first Eurovision, what I did see, and I thought the Ukrainian yay Yushchenko English/Ukraine Rap ROCKED and I loved the handcuffs that symbolized the chains of opression! I was especially fascinated by the tedious yet strangely fascinating voting process. I missed Norway but saw their fabulous outfits. Personally, I didn't think Greece was all that.

22:45 / 21.05.05

I also liked the Kiev Beastie Boys, with their strange chanty song about Razzle and "bursting for the lavvy" (or something)...

Tryphena Absent

02:15 / 22.05.05

The BBC3 coverage was amazing btw. Norway's singer came on to Javine and that woman who's a Eurovision fan- he licked her leg. He stuck his boot in front of the presenters face. Javine and presenter had to swap places because Norweigan was a little too interested in her. It's what TV was made for really.

03:01 / 22.05.05

Britain should have put it's best foot forward with Jordan. She'd have been drunk, coked-up, carrying a kid that was lkely to drop at any moment, while wearing a bandage skirt, getting into a fight with 'whatever fucking frog' was 'looking at her funny,' disgracing the nation at terminal length as she flashed her 'pants,' before returning back home to try and explain everything to Harvey.

It'd have been Harvey I'd have worried about, in that scenario.

07:44 / 22.05.05

The BBC3 coverage was amazing btw

Indeed. Did you see the Lithuanians do a quick "unplugged" version of "Highway to Hell"? Fabulous!

Regrettable Juvenilia

11:26 / 22.05.05

I have a new favourite band.

Bow to Wig Wam.

17:54 / 22.05.05

Norway must be so proud.