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Tabloid gnosticism: why I dig my job.

 
 
grant
14:23 / 27.02.02
I was handed a lead that had something to do with "shattering secrets about God, reincarnation and Heaven & Hell, hidden since..."

and wrote this piece. It's a cover story for the issue on the stands Mar 19. The Sun goes gnostic.

>>>>>>>>
17660/ bible coverup/ Balfour/ 26 Feb 02/ 38" / #13, p18-19
...the earliest days of Christianity.
Bible scholar Barbara Elithe, 54, uncovered the explosive truth while researching the history of the gospels. Poring through Vatican archives, Elithe uncovered a hidden trove of documents dating back to the dawn of Christianity, including a set of secret gospels hidden for centuries.
"These writings were omitted from the Bible when it was first assembled by the Council of Nicea in 325 A.D.," Elithe says. "The church fathers, influenced by Emperor Constantine, made political decisions in leaving certain scriptures out.
"But these writings come from the same sources, men who knew Jesus Himself, and are every bit as holy as the familiar books of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John."
Elithe brought her findings before a committee of top-ranking cardinals, sparking a firestorm of controversy. Despite a fierce outcry from fearful clergy, the scholar revealed her findings in an exclusive Sun interview - blowing the lid off the world's greatest religious cover-up, and reshaping the way the faithful think about God, Jesus Christ, and the nature of the world itself.
* BEWARE THE LOST ANGEL
Elithe says one of the most dramatic secrets hidden in the Vatican archives is the nature of God Himself. A good and just God created the Universe, and sent His only begotten son, Jesus, to preach His message of mercy and kindness.
But the banned biblical books also record the vengeance and destruction wrought by the Demiurge, a lost angel who, in a combination of arrogance and ignorance, set himself up as God over the Earth.
"Because of the demonic Demiurge's blind interference, the true God is only able to reach humanity indirectly," says Elithe. "Prophets and seers have received God's truth directly, but have also been misled by the tricks of the Demiurge. It's the same story as told in the Book of Job, but played out on a cosmic level."
In the Book of Job, God allows Satan to test the faith of Job by submitting him to punishments he does not deserve; Job passes the test by staying faithful to God no matter what.
The suppressed scriptures reveal that the power-mad Demiurge is allowed to test all of humanity, all the time.
"The great lesson is to be on your guard always," Elithe says. "Even some sections of the Bible mistake the greedy tricks of the Demiurge for the merciful word of God."
* REINCARNATION
"The Christian belief in reincarnation is one of the best-kept secrets of the Church," Elithe says. "Even fundamentalists who take the Bible literally, word for word, believe that being 'born again' is just a metaphor.
"But the hidden gospels make clear that John the Evangelist is being literal when he writes, 'Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.'
"Flesh will go the way of all flesh, but spirit must be reborn before it can enter God's heavenly kingdom."
The belief in reincarnation underscores the importance of the Golden Rule - be kind to everyone, because you can never tell when you might meet them again in another life!
* HEAVEN AND HELL IN HIDING
Unlike the rebellion of Satan, the Demiurge never openly defied God. Instead, the texts say, the misguided angel fell into a void of forgetfulness during the Creation. Finding itself alone and possessing awesome power, the spirit took control of the Earth and presented itself to humanity as the All-Powerful Creator of Heaven and Earth.
"So much of the sadness in the world comes from fear," explains Elithe. "And much of that fear comes from the Demiurge. It was he who expelled Adam and Eve from the Garden out of fear of their free will.
"And it is he who keeps us from realizing that Heaven is all around us, right now, if only we have the grace to see it."
To be reborn in Heaven, the suppressed scriptures say, is to finally see through the illusions of the Demiurge and behold the goodness of God's original creation forever. Hell, however, waits for those who accept the Demiurge's law of fear.
* TRUTH BEHIND THE GREAT FLOOD
According to one of the suppressed books, the Secret Gospel of John, Noah and his family survived a "flood" of amnesia-causing gas, not water. Humanity had become so polluted by the Demiurge's evil, God wiped the slate clean by causing the entire race to forget everything. The ark wasn't a boat, but an airtight sanctuary against the shadowy downpour of forgetfulness. After the gas subsided, Noah's righteous family emerged to teach divine truth to the rest of the world.
Unfortunately, the gospel says, the evil servants of the Demiurge came up with new ways to entrap humanity - including the concept of hard work. The Secret Gospel describes how they "threw Mankind into great distraction and into a life of toil, so that their Mankind might be occupied by worldly affairs, and might not have the opportunity of being devoted to the Holy Spirit."
* ANGELS AMONG US
Despite the pitfalls and trickery of the Demiurge, there are agents of truth and mercy here on Earth. These messengers of God lead humanity toward peace despite the persecution of the Demiurge and his demonic servants.
They will answer prayers whenever possible - and, it is promised, will one day burn away the dark illusions of the Demiurge for good.
* JESUS WILL RETURN
Every scripture, banned or not, agrees that Jesus Christ will return again to bring the light of God's mercy to the world. But the documents held in the Vatican archives give three vital clues as to when this day of reckoning will take place.
First, the world will be plunged into war. Every country on the planet will be affected.
"In the early years of the church, the idea of every country on Earth joining in a single war was unthinkable," says Elithe. "But the last century had two so-called world wars.
"And what with Tower Day and the war in Afghanistan, it's not too hard to see a war that's truly worldwide in scope breaking out right now."
The next sign will be a global communication network. The suppressed scriptures may be referring to the Internet, or satellite-based cellular phones, already rumored to be the next step forward.
The final sign will take the form of glowing lights in the sky over all the world's major cities - possibly a magnetic display like the aurora borealis, but also possibly a massive fleet of UFOs.
Once the lights are seen, all fighting will cease. Humanity will unite under the enlightened leadership of the Prince of Peace.
* SALVATION GUARANTEED
In those days, according to the hidden prophecies, humanity will be divided between those who accept the light of the Second Coming, and those that reject it.
"The key is kindness," says Elithe. "It's really that simple. The righteous are those who uphold the Golden Rule - do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
"Live by that rule, no matter what, and you will welcomed into the Kingdom of Heaven. Ignore that rule, and these scriptures are clear: you will be judged, found wanting, and left in the clutches of the devilish Demiurge!
By BETH GIMMEL
>>>>>>
 
 
Harold Washington died for you
14:31 / 27.02.02
Interesting, but is it true?
 
 
Ria
14:31 / 27.02.02
like the by-line!
 
 
Saveloy
14:42 / 27.02.02
Fantastic stuff. Isn't that bit about the demiurge similar to something PK Dick talks about in Valis?
 
 
gozer the destructor
14:44 / 27.02.02
the last bit remided me of that bit in matthew 24:14 about a message of the kingdom to the WHOLE world before the end would come.

I like the accuracy of the council of nicea bit, it was constantine who argued the idea of god, the son and the holy spirit/ghost being made of the same thing which became the roman catholics doctine of trinity,

interesting that Job is the only old testament book to talk of satan as a person/spirit with genesis simply refering to him as the snake (pointing to a change in idea for the jewish faith probably due to zoroastrianism and duality) and this thought orignally led to Satan being thouht of as the advocat figure rather than just a juvenile rebel,

sorry for gassin on but i find Satan a fascinating subject, would anybody contribute to a topic board if i start one? Im writting a play called satan at the moment.
 
 
sleazenation
14:45 / 27.02.02
yes, cos Dick was drawing on the same gnostic sources
 
 
gozer the destructor
14:46 / 27.02.02
sorry again, I liked it
 
 
gozer the destructor
14:47 / 27.02.02
does anybody know off hand how closely linked the essenes who looked after the dead sea scrolls were linked to the zaroastians?
 
 
The Monkey
15:05 / 27.02.02
This is where I made overly-erudite critiquey remarks at that article, not realizing grant had written it.

I am dumb.

This is the price you pay for not reading closely.

[punches self in head]

Look well, o wolves, look well.

[ 27-02-2002: Message edited by: [monkeys violating the temple] ]
 
 
Jack Fear
15:41 / 27.02.02
[monkeys]: Grant writes for a supermarket tabloid, and is paid to make things up. Mostly.

As for Barbara "Barb" Elithe, well, that seems almost too obvious to point out...
 
 
Ethan Hawke
15:44 / 27.02.02
Monkey's he probably just has to throw in some "Touched by an Angel" style-stuff for his audience.

That was great, grant.
 
 
The Monkey
15:50 / 27.02.02
[grasps head(s) in agony]

Ackkk! I am dumb! The early critique shall DIEEE!

[toggles switch on medulla oblongata from "pontificate" to "silly"]

grant, from a non-poncey, lecture-y perspective, this is a great article. you obviously had a lot of fun coming up with it. I envy you your job...I'd love to do this every day.

I shall now punch my head for 15 minutes as penance for not reading closely enuff.

apologies,
[stupid, stupid monkeys]
 
 
Saveloy
15:55 / 27.02.02
Monkeys> think how dumb I feel - I already knew what grant's job was and I still took it at face value. Guh. Actually, I didn't know you got to completely make everything up, grant. You lucky, lucky bastard.
 
 
The Planet of Sound
16:03 / 27.02.02
The Noah stuff doesn't explain the universal presence of flood myths in all cultures. I subscribe to polar melting and the aquatic ape theory myself. Anyway; nice work, if you can get it.
 
 
The Planet of Sound
16:07 / 27.02.02
The Noah stuff doesn't explain the universal presence of flood myths in all major cultures. I subscribe to polar melting and the aquatic ape theory myself. Anyway; nice work, if you can get it.
 
 
Ierne
16:11 / 27.02.02
From "Barb Elithe's" article:

Unfortunately, the gospel says, the evil servants of the Demiurge came up with new ways to entrap humanity - including the concept of hard work.

That's bloody brilliant, grant!!!
 
 
The Monkey
16:11 / 27.02.02

Planet, you wouldn't happen to be referring to...
SEA MONKEYS?!


[insert 50% diabolicial, 50% maniacal laughter here]

Sorry. It's a monkey-related compulsion...must go take medication. and a banana....
 
 
The Monkey
16:18 / 27.02.02
the more i read the article, the more i like its cheekiness.
 
 
The Planet of Sound
16:37 / 27.02.02
Let's hope the Church of Barbara Elithe rises up in America to put paid to all hateful, work obsessed, dreary types. Grant, have you ever considered working for The Idler?
 
 
grant
16:59 / 27.02.02
quote:Originally posted by [monkeys violating the temple]:
grant, from a non-poncey, lecture-y perspective, this is a great article. you obviously had a lot of fun coming up with it. I envy you your job...I'd love to do this every day.


Actually I missed the critique - I'm sure I would have gotten a kick out of it.
I try to maintain as much consistency as possible in the face of editorial/readership pressures.

Saveloy - I also endeavor to make up as little as possible.

Ierne - The "hard work" bit isn't actually original with me - I found it browsing www.enemies.com , looking for gnostic stuff. Great website. (The bit about Noah's flood also came from there)

Planet o' Sound - The Idler... I'm unfamiliar with. What that is?
 
 
Ierne
17:38 / 27.02.02
This may be the magazine PoS is talking about...
 
 
matsya
18:56 / 27.02.02
man, grant. you're my hero.

like I always say, if the sun is ever looking for an australian correspondent...

m.
 
 
gridley
19:42 / 27.02.02
Grant, that's brilliant. I will definitely pick it that issue.

What other (hilarious) names do you write under?
 
 
gozer the destructor
07:26 / 28.02.02
sorry dumb question, was goinng to ask what magazine grant writes for.

[ 28-02-2002: Message edited by: gozer the destructor ]

[ 28-02-2002: Message edited by: gozer the destructor ]
 
 
We're The Great Old Ones Now
07:40 / 28.02.02
quote:Originally posted by gozer the destructor:
does anybody know off hand how closely linked the essenes who looked after the dead sea scrolls were linked to the zaroastians?
No. I'm not sure it's even clear they were Essenes. Most of the evidence about them is either lost or hidden, probably the former. Lots of people have theories, though.

Grant...what can I say? I stand in awe.
 
 
moriarty
11:08 / 28.02.02
Barbara is an expert in both the Bible and Nostradamus? That lady sure gets around.

[ 28-02-2002: Message edited by: moriarty ]
 
 
gridley
12:33 / 28.02.02
quote:Originally posted by moriarty:
Barbara is an expert in both the Bible and Nostradamus? That lady sure gets around.


She also knows quite a bit about hyperspace, cross-dressing, and the films of David Lynch.
 
 
Elijah, Freelance Rabbi
13:45 / 28.02.02
and an uncanny knowledge of buffy the vampire slayer trivia...
 
 
Naked Flame
16:17 / 28.02.02
grant. if i had heroes, you'd be one of em.

edit- gozer... get yerself down to Watkins bookshop in Cecil Court, off Charing X Road. I was in the other day and they'd got a lot of hard-to-find essene stuff- a quick flick thru a few would at least turn you on to the breadth of contradiction and controversy around that one...

[ 28-02-2002: Message edited by: Flame On ]
 
 
grant
17:23 / 28.02.02
Thanks. y'all. I do it all for you. (winks)

Anyway, I write for an American tabloid called Sun, no relation to the British tab. We specialize in prophecy & paranormal stories, along with a fair amount of weird science and "human interest" (people surviving elephant attacks, that sort of thing).

Here's a really good online resource on the Dead Sea Scrolls: http://www.ibiblio.org/expo/deadsea.scrolls.exhibit/Library/library.html

I'd never heard of a link between the Essenes and the Zoroastrians, but this page makes a fairly plausible link: http://www.jewishgates.org/history/jewhis/qumran.stm

And if you're into the fringier, less authenticated stuff, check this out. The Nazorean Essene "Buddhist branch of Christianity."
 
 
Lothar Tuppan
19:24 / 28.02.02
quote:Originally posted by grant:


Ierne - The "hard work" bit isn't actually original with me - I found it browsing www.enemies.com , looking for gnostic stuff. Great website. (The bit about Noah's flood also came from there)



My buddy the Rev. Illuminatus Maximus created the Gnostic Friends Network at enemies.com.

He'd love to know that he inspired a tabloid article. Seriously, drop him an email and let him know you're a friend of mine. He'd love your article.
 
 
grant
14:17 / 01.03.02
Heck, I'm shy - just send him a link to this message thread!
 
 
tSuibhne
13:59 / 25.03.02
I picked this up on Saturday. Great peace grant.
 
  
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