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Underground > Creation >

Bash

  
 
agvvv
23:57 / 04.05.05
So Im heading east you see. Cant take it no more. The party was a bore really, I mean, nice ladies and all, butt still..
I arrived around ten.. not too early, and certainly not too late. My girlfriend already there. "Where have you been?" she asked,
"Out on a limb" I replied. Uncalled for I know, but she was so pretty that night, and I kept seeing these horrible things. In my head.
Immediately upon arriving I had a few drinks. Like ten. Drunk around midnight. Wasted a little later. I approached my girlfriend,
like an animal. "Youre so pretty" I whispered. She giggled. I walked around a bit. Met a guy from Wisconsin, with an unhealthy passion
for what I can only describe as filth. His icebreaker being; "so, any nice ones around? you know, Id like to fuck em". The guy
was obviously drunk, but still.. I didnt reply. Somewhere around two I puked. Twice. Felt much better afterwards.
Reborn really. Except for my bad breath. Still I was in no mood for a party. Wasnt even my party. This was my girlfriends thing.
A job thing. Her manager wanted to get all the employees togheter for a "bash"(as he called it) before easter. Not much of a bash if
you ask me. Just alot of really wasted people lying around in various corners, The occasional bathroom fuck. I wasnt that drunk
anymore either, making the whole thing rather pointless. Walked around a bit, agian. Searching for my girlfriend. She worked as a
secretary in some lawfirm. This lawfirm obviously. Lawfirms are such a bore. I finaly found here, in a couch somewhere. With a guy.
"Bathroom?" I whispered. In her ear. She smiled and got up. We used the mensroom. Not much of a fuck realy. Rather lame. Came all
over her ass. I missed her you know, in many ways she wasnt really there. So we headed back in. The guy still in the couch. She went
straight back to him. Thats when I decided to leave.

Comments? Good or bad?
 
 
All Acting Regiment
09:56 / 05.05.05
I like where you're going. It reminds me of a Robert Crumb strip where a guy's talking to a girl on the phone. She's talking about some guy who's got a new car, how it's got all these features. His reply: "Does he wrap a $50 note round his dick when he screws you?"

I like the idea that this guy has to escape from all this bullshit around him. Is this set in America? What does East represent? The Russians?

I like the title. Bash can mean physical attack or punch, and the events you've described seem like an attack on the protagonist's general happiness, or the reader's senses what with all the abrasive imagery.

Is there any more? It would be interesting to see a version where you bulk out the characters. It works well as it is because we can apply any details we want to them, but you know them better than us: how old are they? I mean, if this guy and his girlfriend are 32 it makes things very different to if they were 17, you see?

And the people at this law firm: already I know what kind of republican voting, get-rich-quick scumbags you're describing...or do I? You could put in some more descriptions. Do they look like the lawyers from The Simpsons or the lawyers from This Life?

You may feel that it works better with less descriptions: it's up to you. Have you left the descriptions deliberately vague to show the monotony of this crap party?

Some questions: I like the "Where have you been?"..."Out on a limb" line. That's smart and funny. Except...if he got to the party not too early, and not too late, why's she asking him where he's been? Or has he not seen her for a while?

Either way, I like where you're going with this and I reckon it makes a good start to a longer peice, maybe tracing the journey this guy takes. Keep it up.
 
 
agvvv
11:57 / 05.05.05
I like the idea that this guy has to escape from all this bullshit around him. Is this set in America? What does East represent? The Russians?

Yeah, set in America. Dont really know what east represents yet. This all came to me in about 15 minutes, after reading Alex` Businessman's Disco, great source of inspiration that one. But Im thinking east America-wise I think..

Is there any more? It would be interesting to see a version where you bulk out the characters. It works well as it is because we can apply any details we want to them, but you know them better than us: how old are they? I mean, if this guy and his girlfriend are 32 it makes things very different to if they were 17, you see?

Oh yes, alot more. Just not yet. I think Im gonna go with this one. And yes, seems like a good idea to bulk out the characters some more. Think Ill make this piece a little longer, before he leaves. And when it comes to age Im thinking late twenties early thirties.

And the people at this law firm: already I know what kind of republican voting, get-rich-quick scumbags you're describing...or do I? You could put in some more descriptions. Do they look like the lawyers from The Simpsons or the lawyers from This Life

Good point. I will put in some more describing here.

You may feel that it works better with less descriptions: it's up to you. Have you left the descriptions deliberately vague to show the monotony of this crap party?

To a certain degree yes. But more descriptions sound good.

Some questions: I like the "Where have you been?"..."Out on a limb" line. That's smart and funny. Except...if he got to the party not too early, and not too late, why's she asking him where he's been? Or has he not seen her for a while?

Well, I was thinking that his girlfriend had already been there for a while, like an hour or so. Expecting him to show up around then. Does that work?

Either way, I like where you're going with this and I reckon it makes a good start to a longer peice, maybe tracing the journey this guy takes. Keep it up.

Thanks. And thanks for the extensive comments Legba. Really helpful. And yeah, think thats what Im gonna do.
 
 
All Acting Regiment
13:45 / 05.05.05
And when it comes to age Im thinking late twenties early thirties.

That would make sense: they're getting past the hedonistic party age, things aren't as fun as they used to be. It fits with what we're told in the story.
 
 
agvvv
14:45 / 09.05.05
Some minor changes. Some more



So I headed east you see. Couldnt take it no more. The party was a bore really, I mean, nice ladies and all, but still.. I arrived around ten.. not too early, and certainly not too late. My girlfriend already there. "Where have you been?" she asked,
"Out on a limb" I replied. Uncalled for I know, but she was so pretty that night, and I kept seeing these horrible things. In my head.
Immediately upon arriving I had a few drinks. Like ten. Drunk around midnight. Wasted a little later. I approached my girlfriend,
like an animal. "Youre so pretty" I whispered. She giggled. I walked around a bit. Met a guy from Wisconsin, with an unhealthy passion for what I can only describe as filth. His icebreaker being; "so, any nice ones around? you know, Id like to fuck em". The guy was obviously drunk, but still.. I didnt reply. Somewhere around two I puked. Twice. Felt much better afterwards.
Reborn really. Except for my bad breath. Still I was in no mood for a party. Wasnt even my party. This was my girlfriends thing.
A job thing. Her manager wanted to get all the employees togheter for a "bash"(as he called it) before easter. Not much of a bash if you ask me. Just alot of really wasted people lying around in various corners, The occasional bathroom fuck. I wasnt that drunk anymore either, making the whole thing rather pointless. Walked around a bit, again. Searching for my girlfriend. She worked as a
secretary in some lawfirm. This lawfirm obviously. Collin & Associates. Lawfirms are such a bore.
I finaly found her, in a couch somewhere. With a guy.
They looked like a bad movie. All worked up on cocaine. He had a ponytail.
"Bathroom?" I whispered. In her ear. She smiled and got up. We used the mensroom. Not much of a fuck realy. Rather lame. Came all over her ass. I missed her you know, in many ways she wasnt really there. So we headed back in. The guy still in the couch. She went straight back to him. Thats when I decided to leave.




Headed east from Minnesota. Still kinda drunk. Driving for two hours or so. Didnt know where I was heading really, but the signs said Illinois quite often. Did I regret this? Maybe. No, I didnt regret it. Fuck no. What was I supposed to do anyway? Hang around in pukey Minnesota? My job sure as hell didnt hold me back. Nothing did. What kind of a job is that anyway, I mean, carsalesman? Who wants to be a fucking caresalesman? Not me. I wanna drive. To my surprise I realised that I hadnt loosened my tie. Made me laugh. I mean,
I was breaking through, really leaving it all behind, and I hadnt even loosened my freakin tie. I loosened my tie. Kept on driving.
Fell asleep a couple of times. Kinda dangerous I thought. There was a gas station up ahead. I pulled over. Got in. Not much to see really.
A few rows with your usual grocery stuff. A few videos. Mostly porn. I bought a pack of cigarettes and some kind of energy bar. "Energized".
I ate it and decided to sleep in the car. Never done it before. At the age of thirtyfour I had never slept in a car. Strange.
I couldnt sleep, obviously. Thirtyfour, no kids, crappy job. Underachiever. Maybe she was too much for me.
She was your typical successful girl. You know, the kind you read about in magazines. Like the Cosmopolitan. Working
for a lawfirm, good education. She would be a lawyer soon enough. Splendid really. Absolutely smashing. I loved her. I fucking worshiped her. But yeah.. distant. I fell asleep around nine.
 
 
Shrug
16:23 / 09.05.05
Not much of a critique really but there were two parts which "clunked" a little for me.

Uncalled for I know, but she was so pretty that night, and I kept seeing these horrible things. In my head.
It could be just the full stop brings down the piece's bounce in that particular section, or it could be the clarification is unnecessary, maybe better to leave the suggestion open?

I liked this bit very much, good observation,
I was breaking through, really leaving it all behind, and I hadnt even loosened my freakin tie. I loosened my tie. Kept on driving.
Although once again the last two sentences feel a bit redundant, you don't have to describe every action, leave something to the readers cognition.

(obviously personal opinion do with it what you will)
 
 
agvvv
20:13 / 09.05.05
It could be just the full stop brings down the piece's bounce in that particular section, or it could be the clarification is unnecessary, maybe better to leave the suggestion open?

I dont know really.. I added the full stop to illustrate the maincharcaters confusion etc. Does it work at all or should I remove it?

Although once again the last two sentences feel a bit redundant, you don't have to describe every action, leave something to the readers cognition.

Yeah, I agree. Ill remove it. Thanks for the comments.

I decided to add parts of another thingy I wrote as a dream sequence after he falls asleep in the car. Does this work?



I was somewhere in the desert. Where I did not know. There was a wind (though not fierce), and quite possibly a tree.
I was looking for water. Heading west for three days (with no results whatsoever), I was getting anxious.
And thats when I noticed. A little down the road, something (or someone) was looking at me.
Meeting no one for three days, my initial response was joy.
Then not so much. Slightly closer,the creature looked very "unhuman".
Drawing even closer I realised that it was, indeed, a beast. It was a small beast, but a beast nontheless.
There were no eyes, only holes. Hands for feet, feet for hands. It was fluffy, the exterior of a teddybear.
There were no ears, and sharp teeth. Brownish in colour. Then, quite suddenly, it spoke.

Beast: (disfigured yet childlike voice) Hello there
I: (nervous) Hi
Beast: I will show you my home
I: ..

We headed east.

Somewhere around noon, it spoke again.

Beast: Im getting older
I: Oh, ok
Beast: I used to be much brighter you know, in colour.
I: I see
Beast: Almost yellow

We walked for what felt like days. Still no sign of water. Still no rain. The beast seemed old indeed. Despite its
small size and fluffy exterior. I had no clue regarding its intenions. It seemed nice enough, but still.. A beast.
 
 
All Acting Regiment
09:11 / 10.05.05
I know the dichotomy of "hands for feet, feet for hands" is the whole crux of that sentence- but somehow the resultant image seems a little lacking in power- it makes the beast seem vaguely "silly" if you'll pardon the phrase.

I'm being careful here as this is merely personal taste, and you might want the beast to seem unthreatening- but perhaps you could have it so as at first it seems dangerous- "Hands for feet and (e.g.)knives for hands"- but later becomes more personable.
 
  
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