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Do you let others read your emails/texts?

11:58 / 28.04.05

Having discussed this question with a few people it has come to my attention that opinions differ on a topic I had assumed was fairly cut and dried.

When I send a text or an email I assume that the first or only person to read it will be the addressee. I don't expect them to show it to anyone else but I know that this is out of my control. Obviously if it's not personal then I don't care at all but if it's more sensitive then I expect the recipient to exercise due discretion. But how can they do that when they're not even the first person to view it?

So today's question is ... do you let your partner or anyone else open your emails or texts without having first seen them yourself?

For the record, I don't. I value my privacy and I think that maintaining a distinct identity is important in a healthy relationship. Not that I've got anything to hide, honest!

12:08 / 28.04.05

Read my emails and I'll chop your fingers off.

There, it's important to agree on things in a relationship!

I would be hopping mad if someone opened my mail - electronic or otherwise - or my texts. Indeed, there was a disagreement in my office just the other day when a colleague asked, slightly grumpily, why I hadn't fished her mobile out of her handbag and answered it, as it rang when she was out of the room. I was dumbstruck, and made it clear that I really did NOT want her to answer mine.

12:11 / 28.04.05

I just realised that I didn't even think to mention paper mail. How modern I am.

12:13 / 28.04.05

I am extremely defensive of my emails and PM's, and I get irrationally angry and paranoid if someone reads something that I think they shouldn't (especially before I do). Enough so that I should probably lighten up, since I don't actually have anything to hide, really. I suspect it's related to being an only child, growing up with absolute and unchallenged privacy. My wife, who grew up with two brothers, is far more easygoing about such things, and our differences on the matter have sometimes led to conflicts.

12:56 / 28.04.05

Hell no. Practically, there's the whole password security thing for emails - I don't trust anyone else with any of my passwords and if for some reason I *really* have to tell somebody one I change it immediately afterwards, which is a particular hassle with email given that it goes into so many clients. Also I've never had any reason to.

Regardless of that, hell no. If you want to find out who that text was from, ask me. Don't screw with my phone, don't try to look in my emails, these are my personal bits of headspace. It may be about a surprise birthday present for you. It may be a friend making some stupid in-joke that you don't understand and sounds suspicious. It doesn't really matter *what* it is.

Someone started a thread on another board about this sort of issue and I was shocked to see that there were several women there who considered it quite all right to regularly read their boyfriends' text messages and emails without their knowledge, and whose friends agreed. (No men confessed to it as far as I remember, but by that stage there was such general condemnation that nobody would have.)

12:56 / 28.04.05

He was reading my e-mail over my shoulder, that's when I killed him your honour.

I hope I'm not a paranoid tinfoil case about people reading my e-mails but I think seperation between your private self and your public self needs to be respected. Maybe people are less ansty about this than I am.

12:58 / 28.04.05

Someone started a thread on another board about this sort of issue and I was shocked to see that there were several women there who considered it quite all right to regularly read their boyfriends' text messages and emails without their knowledge, and whose friends agreed.

Almost guaranteed that the reverse would be inversely okay.

14:25 / 28.04.05

Yeah. I have a rule. If I want someone to know something from a text or email (or post) I'll read it to them. Can't stand writing anything with someone able to see my screen though - anything at all.

rising and revolving

14:32 / 28.04.05

No. Absolutely not.

That said, I'm getting engaged, and as a result I handed over all my passwords to my fiancee. Now, *that* was a hell of a show of trust - even so, I made it clear that they're to be used in case of death, dismemberment or emergency - they're not an invite to read my emails.

Scrambled Password Bogus Email

15:23 / 28.04.05

OK, well, for balance then, i'll stick my hand up and say yes, everything...texts, mail, email, the lot.

Since I don't even have a mobile phone, I inevitably read through texts and stuff like that when I use the joint jobby to sms. I hate mobile phones.

And the office email system allows each others email into each others inboxes.

I respond on my others behalf even, and likewise backwards.

Shit, we even have imaginary employees for anti-spam usage on boards and things, and both read those. Nothing is so sa cred. Is that weird?

Obviously, from everyone elses loud cries.

15:29 / 28.04.05

For my own part, I treat the receiving of emails in exactly the same way I treat conventional mail; if I'm the sole recipient then it's a private communication, and everyone else - my partner included - isn't getting anywhere near them unless I choose to disclose their content.

16:37 / 28.04.05

Well, I've had my parents read my diary and a past partner read letters - and I felt completely violated when I found out. I left home (never to return) days after the parental diary-reading incident, and dumped the bloke who read my letters. It still pisses me off thinking about it now.

However I don't have any attachment to digital text. Emails don't have the same reality for me, and hence I delete them minutes after reading them anyway (whereas I keep letters for years). Ditto for texts... read... reply... delete. Like most people I have a weblog that I am happy to publish to the world, so I clearly don't care about the privacy of that either.

To me Digital = Public, whereas Paper = Private.

18:44 / 28.04.05

That's interesting actually, since it's the opposite for me. These days the only post I get is junk mail so anything personal is email or text message. Especially in the case of the motivation for this thread (although it is a subject I had recently been discussing IRL).

I've been having a mini-drama with my family about whether or not my shoes are nice enough to wear to my brother's wedding (don't ask). So I send my bro a stroppy email and receive a snippy response from his fiancee, who was clearly not the addressee. Not happy about that.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

18:47 / 28.04.05

Fuck no. I'm not really overly keen on talking on the phone in public, either...

Can't stand writing anything with someone able to see my screen though - anything at all.

Had my PC in the lounge for a while... I did FUCK ALL writing, even though my flatmate had no interest in what I was doing and wasn't gonna start reading over my shoulder. Can't do it.

The Return Of Rothkoid

23:58 / 01.05.05

I don't like others reading my mail. Largely, it's so that I can ensure that people think I'm sophisticated, when in reality they'd be disheartened by the amount of bank loan and viagra spam I receive.

07:22 / 02.05.05

Who has the time to wade through partner's boring e-mails and texts? I would have no problem re privacy with partner doing so but, in practice, we would both have to remember so many usernames and passwords that it never happens.

12:08 / 02.05.05

Well, despite my oversharing of kitchen utensils mentioned in another thread, I'm against reading other people's emails or having them read mine. Texts - not sure, I don't get many, so I don't care much.

Paper mail's a different story, though, since it's very rarely personal. I used to get annoyed with my mother who constantly opened my mail and claimed she "didn't see my name on it" bc I knew she was lying and nosy. But now, I wouldn't care if my boyfriend opened my insurance bill as long as he told me it had arrived. He has a habit of letting his mail pile up for WEEKS, and when the sight of it starts to drive me nuts I'll open it all and file it away. But I'd never open a personal letter.

ONLY NICE THINGS

16:31 / 02.05.05

Odd, isn't it? Paper mail used to be exciting and important - possibly just in the days before I had a credit card and utility bills. Whereas now I can leave mail unopened for weeks, because I can't get up the interest in what I know will be a bill or an invitation to get _another_ credit card. Almost all the important stuff comes by email and, thanks to gmail's spam filter, not much junk mail does.

I'm trying to train myself to write more often, but it's tricky. ONly the beautiful accessories are really pushing me towards it.

20:51 / 03.05.05

I don't even like (or let) anyone else use my computer that alone read me e-mails. The computer has old diaries etc on it and on the rear occassions that I absolutely have to let someone else use it (ie be alone with it) I hate it. Recently bought my other half her own laptop to stop that exact situation. It worked.

23:57 / 03.05.05

Can't stand writing anything with someone able to see my screen though - anything at all.

absolutely, benny and stoaty, i'm with you. went on hols to a coast house and realised that where i set the laptop up to spend some of the week getting in the chapters on the next nobel winning novel was in direct line of sight from the bed, where significant other was 'napping'... got not a word written.

i am paranoid about others reading my mail, esp snail mail, as i was brought up to consider those things, like how much you earn and who you vote for, etc, to be private. some friends have said that i'd be no good as a spy 'cause i would find out some information, then keep it to myself - not even telling the agency!! warped? probably.

most of the contents of my e-mail and other correspondence is probably very safe for s/other to read, but that isn't the point, is it?

moneyshot's openess intrigues me. i would love to be like that - but i'm me, for what that's worth..