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my problem stems from this, recently ive discovered a traumatic childhood wound, as a result ive started changing and started to heal. also i have noticed other things, the spirits ive been working with for most of my life have made use of that wound to possess and control me at points in my life, they come from both sides of the fence, i largely have a christain perspective on this, they have both been using this wound to control and contort my behaviour in certain situations to there respective advantages. Now i know how i was being manipulated i am more than a little pissed off, and funnily enough these attendent spirits voices have become less and less and started to piss off completely.
leaving just me and my own humanity, thank fuck.Some peace.
My solution is this, i dont want a relationship with any kind of fucking spirit creature ever a fucking again, abusive fucking pieces of shit that every single fucking piece of shit one of them that they all fucking are.
and thats the way its gonna be. fuck god.all the fucks.
That aside, ive rediscovered myself, and just what it means to be me and be human and the magic of just being human and not trying to be anything else but that. I can enjoy normal everyday life things again, where as before i couldnt. I am considering abandoning everything magickal entirely. books off to the library, and destroying all my altars. filling my life up with techno gadgets,and aborting my magickal self entirely.
But on the other hand , the voice of utility says, why chuck away something thats been useful to you for so many years now, clear house, and make it all on your terms, allow the natural environment in to the point where it isnt detrimental, but why invite anything else thats going to fuck you up and use you again along, not much point in that is there.
So use a mental/force/energy based model, forget entities, forget any kind of religion or tradition. everything i encountered at one point or another found the weakness of that wound within me and started to use it. I need to use my own force, my own strenght, My wound is now my weapon not theres any more.
For me as i stand now everything is humanity and nature first. |
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