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My parents have always suspected that I was a drug user, even back when I was a drug-free but very depressed teen. It was understandable. I was moody, my grades were slipping, I was spending long periods of time alone in my room, I was sometimes spaced out, and I always came home late. They stopped asking me when I brought up the fact they had no hard evidence, despite their efforts at searching my room when I was at school.
Eventually I began to actually use drugs, and by my second or third year in college I was doing everything I could get my hands on. I began to wonder if I maybe had a substance abuse problem (simply because I didn't really know why I was doing all these drugs beyond "because I feel like it"). I have since stopped abusing "hard" drugs (heroin, ecstacy, cocaine, crack, what have you), not because I thought they were dangerous but because they all got boring. After taking them I would begin to think "now what? I'm freakin' bored here. And broke." So I've been more or less clean for a couple years now.
My family never knew about this (although they probably never stopped suspecting), and I figured since I stopped using hard drugs it would be pointless to tell them. Why bother scaring them? "Hey Ma, by the way, I used to smoke crack, but not anymore. It's cool. I just smoke pot now, so it's all right."
So everything was okay up until a couple months ago when my roomate and friend of a few years decided to overdose on heroin. My other roomate and I weren't surprised at his suicide as we had known for years that this was his plan all along, even on his good days. Not that this knowledge helped us with the guilt that followed our discovery of his body, of course, but it did help us move on with the grieving.
Anyway, I had to tell my parents what happened because now that a chunk of the rent was gone, I thought I might need some cash. So I phoned my mother and told her, and naturally her first question was "oh god, tell me you're not shooting up." Which is perfectly understandable. I assured her that I was not, that I had never shot up (which is true. I only snorted it and smoked it once or twice). After I got off the phone with her, I recieved calls from everyone in my family, all of whom were subtly trying to determine without actually asking whether or not I was shooting up heroin or anything else. I told them all "no", but I hear disbelief and suspicion whenever I speak with them. My mother just approached me today and told me that she suspected I had a cocaine addiction. "You're losing weight, and you always have a cold whenever I see you! Always snifling!" I told her it was silly, but she kept telling me "I hope you're being smart about what you do! And if you ever need help, y'know, help..."
Even some of my friends now suspect me. They don't judge, but I don't like the idea of being a heroin abuser in their eyes. They know all about the crazier days, when the only thing stopping me from shooting up was that I didn't know how, so they would naturally suspect the worst.
I used to not give a damn what people thought concerning my drug use. But these days it's obvious that my mother is very scared on my behalf, and I'd like to help ease her fear. Plus, my older sister has two beautiful children that I love very much, and I know that she is going to be nervous about me spending time with them. And I hate that. The very idea of her having reservations about me being with her kids makes me feel absolutely terrible. I don't know if that's actually the case, in fact my older sister has usually been the most understanding about these sort of things, but what mother wouldn't worry about her kids spending time with a junkie? Even if he's the child's uncle?
I can't think of any way to assure them that I am not a drug abuser, that I just smoke pot and that's as far as my extra-legal activities go. I've tried telling them that there is no way I could afford either a cocaine or heroin addiction on my meager wages, but it doesn't convince them.
So how does one go about convincing his friends and family that he is not a drug addict? |
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