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I stopped seeing the universe as a fluid thing and started seeing it as a solid.
This is one of those places where I find the good ol' 'don't use 'to be' or conjugations thereof' advice to work. The universe is fixed versus the universe is fluid... Well, from the perspective you'd have standing outside of space and time, the universe would appear fixed - every moment would appear at the same time, no apparent movement or change, just branching tree-limbs of humanity webbed around the world. Yadda. Yadda. Yadda. The thing is, we don't normally see reality as such for a very good reason - such a perspective, improperly used, can encourage the reaction you're having, the good ol' 'why bother if it's already going to happen?' So force yourself to pay attention to what you really see day-to-day - not some metaphysical abstraction you've glimpsed in literature, altered states, and epiphanies, but the 'normal' perspective of time passing, of our acts in this moment creating the future. Do some creative tasks - write, dance, cook, whatever. Immerse yourself in small tasks that have obvious effects on your immediate live, that emphasize the effect of your decision to do a thing in a particular way.
'Everything happens for a reason' - ok, but often we are that reason. We are the fuel that pumps and pushes the worlds around, that feeds and nourishes the spirits. Our words reverberate throughout the world. If you live in a city, you are constantly surrounded by the flora and fauna of our imagination enthroned in material form. Whether or not this comes first from some Higher Being or not, we still choose to follow that call or to ignore it and let the fruits of our mind rot on the branch.
How do you reconcile your own Will with a HIGHER WILL (whether it’s your Higher Self or some sort of Powers That Be-type deal)To continue to function as a Magician?
Good question. Your understanding of the world - things happening for a reason - indicates that we have something to learn from the world, from God's influence on our lives. Right? So do you think that only works one way? I mean, do you think some 'Higher Will' has nothing to learn or gain from out own efforts and desires? Are we not also teachers, and the Divine our student? A God who cannot learn from us is no God at all.
Besides, can your will contradict the divine if your will becomes manifest? Every successful act of magic is pleasing to God/reality, which is why it worked in the first place. Which means that your will and this 'Higher Will' happen to coincide a deal more than you'd think. Scary, huh?
Perhaps the best way to get around this wouldn't involve some kind of paradigm shift - just get out and do the damn work. Practice, stay active, do things that impact your life and the lives around you. For no reason, other than for the sake of doing this stuff and enjoying it (you are enjoying it, aren't you?). Make a list of things you can do a sigil for and start actually doing the work. The reasons for being passionate and driven will follow behind the most primary: life is infinitely more rewarding when you aren't apathetic. |
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Hopefully that hasn't contributed to your general malaise towards sigils and that sort of thing. All joking aside, I recall when I first began magic my main interests were sigils, extreme gnosis, and things of that sort, but as noted above tastes change over time and now I'm interested in other areas. Phil Hine wrote how many magicians go through an initial period of excitement (when magic is a new, shiny thing) before they hit a "hump" of sorts and go through a long dry spell, before getting over that hump and getting back into it again. I myself went through such a period recently: After months of dryness I decided to turn my back on magic and focus on other things. But after awhile of that the craving came back and now I'm getting into it again. Sometimes you're too close to the forest to see the trees or something like that.