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Bereavement, or: Am I Fucking Losing It?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

07:10 / 01.03.05

Feel free to skip this if you're bored of my constant moaning.

Okay. My dog's been dead for six months now. I've buried her ashes, planted a nice tree, all that stuff.
But... at least once a day, literally, I still find myself bursting into tears about her. Every now and then I get a day when I can't bring myself to do anything at all, I'm so gutted. I miss her like fuck.
I've had friends die, I've had relatives die, and I've never felt this bad about any of them.
Six fucking months.
Is this normal? Cos it's really starting to piss me off. My alcohol counsellor reckons it's just brining to the fore my feelings about my dad. But he died TWENTY-ONE FUCKING YEARS AGO, for fuck's sake. No, this is a different thing.
In the last six months, much worse shit has happened to people all over the world. Much worse shit has happened to people on this board, ferfucksake. Why the fuck can't I deal with something so essentially trivial in the big scheme of things? Have I, to use a technical term, lost my fucking shoe?

Hattie's Kitchen

07:45 / 01.03.05

Hey Stoat...I'm sure people like Ganesh, Haus etc can give you much better advice than I, but for what's worth, I don't think you're abnormal in this. When my cat died, I cried every day for months...like you, I've had close relatives die and although I was upset, I don't remember grieving so openly for them in the way I did over my cat.

It's not trivial at all - Biscuits was your best friend, you spent every day together for years,so of course you're going to feel just as bereaved as if you'd lost a human friend.

I don't think there was a dog in the world that had a more caring and devoted owner, I should know, having seen you two on several occasions. Losing her and then feeling like there's a gaping hole in your is absolutely normal, so don't be hard on yourself for grieving for her six months down the line. xxx

08:00 / 01.03.05

I've been to funerals and felt uncomfortable, giggly and not really that grief filled because, you know, it's all part of lifes journey etc etc.

My dog died thirteen years ago (fourteen this bonfires night) and I still miss her completely, can get really upset thinking about things she did.

It's not a problem. Sure, there may be some transferrence issues, but love for a dog is something special, and it hurts to have that taken away.

08:28 / 01.03.05

I don't think you're losing it. I lost a much loved little dog shortly before you, and like you still cannot think of her without tears. I have 3 other dogs to care for and the caring is a comfort. Have you thought of finding another dog that needs care [ not to replace Biscuits, but maybe in tribute to her]? Perhaps the simple everyday routine would soften the edges of loss.
Our pets love unconditionally; people don't. Who was it who said, "the more I see of people, the more I like dogs"!

08:41 / 01.03.05

Stoatie, I don't mean to belittle your attachment to your dog, but it seems as if you don't have an easy time of it generally. That's not to say that your grief for your dog is necessarily tied to your grief for your father, but if you're not doing okay then recovering from your loss will be that much harder.

Chin up, mate.

09:12 / 01.03.05

Well, look at it this way: would Biscuits want you feeling this bad about her? I'm sure like a human person she'd want you to have moved on by now.

Also, having "DOG" in your username probably isn't the best of reminders.

09:20 / 01.03.05

I'm sure like a human person she'd want you to have moved on by now.

Triplets, we're only talking six months. It takes most of us over two years to recover (as fully as you *can* ever recover) from a serious loss.

If a "human person" wanted to you to have moved on after such a short period of time, I'd suggest that they were making unfair demands.

09:26 / 01.03.05

Not trying to start an argument. Just saying that it's alright for Stoatie to feel bad.

We put to much pressure on people to recover quickly.

09:27 / 01.03.05

Christ, what is it with my grammar today?

Tryphena Absent

09:39 / 01.03.05

My cat Larry died about 6 years ago, since then two more cats have died and a friend has committed suicide but I'm telling you, when I feel lonely I still think about my first cat. He was a grumpy, skinny, schizophrenic siamese with a bad attitude. I miss him as much as I miss my grandparents. I cried every night for the first few months after he died. If I could I would call his zombie corspe back- I don't think it would make much difference to his personality anyway.

09:41 / 01.03.05

Well, when I lost my dog of 17 years in 2002 it took me about two months to get over it with few tears shed. That's what I'm going off of and six months *to me* seems excessive. Different strokes for different folks, obv.

10:57 / 01.03.05

How old was Biscuits? I think she died suddenly. If a pet or a person is old it is easier to reconcile yourself with their death. Sudden or early death is harder. 17 years is agood age for a dog, and must have been considered or expected.
For an animal that is suffering, we have the option of easing their way out. Does this make things easier or more difficult?

11:37 / 01.03.05

Yes, it's "normal" (six months is early-ish in the timescale of the average bereavement) and yes, it probably is tapping into older feelings around other bereavements, whether you consciously accept this or not. And yes, the fact that arguably worse things have happened to other people around the world in the last six months is neither here nor there.

You're not losing it. It does get less painful with time. For now, go with it.

18:15 / 01.03.05

I hope no-one will object to throwing in the name of another counselling service, but my mum turned to Cruse when her dad died (quickly followed by our lovely dog, who I still miss more) and they did such a good job that she committed herself to helping them and is now a consellor herself. Give them a try, Stoats.

Brigade du jour

21:00 / 01.03.05

You're not losing it, mate. It's like what Hattie said -
B was your best friend. And you just keep on bursting into tears if that's what it takes. We'll help you mop 'em up, I'm sure.

22:07 / 01.03.05

This might possibly sound a bit insensitive ( and if it does, that's not at all the intention, S, ) but have you thought about perhaps getting another dog ?

While I can totally see why that idea might seem like anathema, and you can never really replace the departed, and shouldn't try, there are on the other hand lots of dogs in the likes of Battersea who are sort of in danger of getting 'the chair' otherwise, and might very much appreciate someone who got them out of there.

It'd be good for the dog, and for yerself also, I'm guessing - If that seems a bit rough now, for entirely understandable reasons, it might seem a bit different in a couple of weeks.

There's nothing you can do to bring anyone back, but... Oh I don't know, while it's within your power you should keep on going. There's a dog out there that needs you, basically. Which is more than you can say about a cat.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

07:18 / 02.03.05

Thank you all so much- I'm feeling a bit better now. It tends to happen in phases- yesterday morning was a particularly bad one for some reason.
I'd love another dog, but I don't think I could right now. One day...
...again, thanks. It's really helped a lot.