Thanks...
Basically, the message that I took away from that was that communication with other people was of the utmost importance. I think I was choosing to alienate myself from those who I had achieved the deepest communication with. This was not my conscious observation of the situation at the time, but it always manifested under the guise of the details why I loved but was aggravated by that person(s) so much. I think that someone understanding what my "blocks" were, and myself reciprocally understanding theirs, was an indication of reaching a certain level of communication in a relationship.
I had reached the same point in the relationships with all of my family members as well, but the dynamic of my family tends to be a little more polite in the respect that we wouldn't continuously aggravate each other to the point of which any of us would choose to end contact.
I was also getting a very strong feeling that I was being told that a network of family/friends represented a reservoir that each member drew "energy" from, and applied it to their daily activities. The quality of this energy was dependant on the functionality of the network (ie. how many of the blockages were cleared).
Ever see one of those beach balls that has a little pocket on the side that you fill with water? When you throw this ball, it rotates very quickly, then very slowly, depending on where the water pocket is in relation to the force of gravity. I felt that this jerky rotation was the effect the "blocks" (water pocket) were having on my magical application.
[*One]I also got the sense that I was being told that we cannot separate ourselves from the people we intimately know and interact with. This interaction creates energy that cannot be separated or divided to represent it's participants. This deep connection is created by experiencing things(and each other) together as a unit; as well, the use of language to describe intimate/personal points of view -- the language would only have a deep effect on someone who "knew you" and in turn could have a truer understanding of what you meant through this communication.[/*One]
I think that we are all gathering here on the presupposition of how reality works. Our presupposition is pretty fantastical in comparison to the one held by the general population. I guess this means that we've all been through some experience(s) that have made us look beyond the traditionally perpetuated paradigms provided by media, education, and our own 5 senses. I can't comment for any of you, but I have some people in my life that I can openly communicate these things to, but to the majority I can't. I think that *this* commonly results in the alienation I referred to earlier. I feel that this alienation is the result of us unconsciously understanding the '*One' dynamic. What I mean is that if those in our lives can't contribute positive energy to our ideas about magic, they hinder it's success.
It's kind of like the young athlete training for the olympics, who has over-bearing, exceedingly negative parents. If the parents are continuously telling the child everyday that if he/she doesn't perform to a certain level, that he/she will have to quit... or telling the child that he/she will never be good enough to win an olympic medal, this child won't succeed at these goals.
What I felt I was being told was that I could go off on a tangent regarding magic indefinitely... there was enough energy in that system of thought for me to continue to consume and prove to myself that it was a viable mode of interaction, and that was "better" than the mode that didn't include magic. If I didn't feel this way in some sense, I wouldn't practice magic. I interpreted that I was being shown that the state of mind I utilized to embrace magic was/is (on some level) cynical. This is because I wasn't raised to think that magic was real. I then had to become pioneers, and follow in the footsteps of other pioneers who have shunned society by saying "magic is real... I have proven this to myself... you could too if you wanted to". But the momentum of this shunning somehow still colored my current and future interactions. The "shunning" was a powerful, paradigm-altering state of mind that brought me into magic. It just didn't appear as "shunning" because I had to embrace something more extraordinary than that which I shunned. This momentum continued and I felt that I was being shown that this was contributing to the my limits... those which I was trying to surpass with magic.
So, I had alienated myself from the people who I felt that direct communication with was providing me with negative (with respect to my p.o.v) energy instead of the positive that I needed to create my ideal paradigm. I pretended it was this or that... so-and-so pissed me off, this person insulted me in such a way that it was unforgivable, that person sold me out and exposed themselves as the fraud they were. As I explained, what was really happening was that my point of view had changed so much, that these people were now contributing negative energy toward my paradigm, which in turn made it harder for me to "work my magic". Alienation and re-acquisition of contacts whom supported my new paradigm *seems* like an ideal solution, no?
Here is what I interpreted I was being told as to what the problem was. If '*One' is true, then broken/defunct relationships represent diseased parts of *me*. This then affected the quality of energy of all of my future efforts (magical or otherwise). Since these were parts of me that were in the past, I could never get them back! Well, almost...
I could try to fix current relationships and resuscitate broken relationships. Now that time had passed, this provided me with a buffer from the struggle for control of energy that those relationship endings represented. The problem is that fixing those, in many cases, required me to do things that would be extremely painful for me to do. Not physically painful, but painful based upon the "rules" and state-of-mind that those relationships ended on.
A friend of mine always asks (jokingly) "Why is it okay for me to stand 1 inch away from someone on a crowded elevator, but not okay to stand 1 inch away from someone if we are the only ones in the elevator?". I think that this outlines how painful it was/is/will be for me to heal some of my blocks. The rules are telling me that I can't stand 1 inch away, even though I know that standing 1 inch away isn't directly the cause of the discomfort itself... it's my attachment to the rules. Who made those rules up, anyway?
As you mentioned Salamander, I knew what I needed to do (even though part of me wished it didn't), and I just had to find a way to do it.
I don't want you to think that I've done all of these things... I haven't! Holy FUCK - I have a lot of fences to mend... and it's going to take a lot of mental gymnastics for me to be okay with it. I have been and am making active steps in this direction. I feel that it's kind of like unraveling a knitted sweater - you have to pull, but if you pull to hard, the string will knot and break. (The previous sentence is true but also an excuse my personality likes to make to "put off" the harder stuff.)
Anyway, I just felt like relaying a personal experience. But, I'm left thinking: Should I be ashamed? Have I crossed some barrier? Did I stand too close to you in the elevator? Hopefully it's useful to some.
Cheers and Thx, Temple-mates! |
