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Boundaries

  
 
Whisky Priestess
11:22 / 19.02.05
Bloody hell!

So, a few weeks ago the manager of a fringe theatre in which I directed a play last year gave me a play by an old chap whose son wants to put them on and was looking for a director. I was interested and thought I might have the time to do it, so went round for a meeting at the son's house and took away several plays by the same author because the original one wasn't quite right.

I then had a massive rush at work and didn't have time or mental space to devote to telling him - sensitively - that I didn't think I could put any of them on without serious cutting. Being a big fat coward, I avoided his calls for a week or so and didn't listen to messages - instead I wrote a letter explaining my position and posted it yesterday.

Today I'm just about to have my bath when the doorbell rings. Down I go in my dressing gown and there is the son standing on the doorstep - I'd forgotten that I'd given him my address (for POSTAL correspondence, duh!). He asks me what's going on and apologises for the unexpected call. I tell him that yes, it is rather intrusive and he goes very weird. He suddenly gets very defensive and tells me that I'm rude and an "animus" woman - Jungian for controlling, apparently. We face off a bit and then I go and get him the eight(!) plays I have forced myself to read and flick through, and tell him that the other is at work and I'll post it to him on Monday.

He checks his list of the plays I'd taken (like I'd want to hang on to the bloody things) and then tells me that he doubts he'll get the other one back because I'm such an animus. I assure him that he will, and that he didn't need to doorstep me to get the others in the first place, and reiterated that I thought it was inappropriate for him to do so. The fun ends with me closing the door in his face as he denies wrongdoing, and him calling me a bitch from behind it.

Question: is it more rude of me to call his behaviour intrusive and inappropriate for coming round to my house unannounced, or more intrusive and inappropriate for him to do so in the first place? NB he is a casual acquaintance, met once. I only ever went round to his place with an invitation, to pick up scripts. What's wrong with sticking a note through the door if he felt he must have an answer? Or with hanging on for a bit longer? Theatres take *months* to read plays ...

I'm seriously freaked out by this man's behaviour (especially the sudden breakdown of all semblance of politeness as soon as I objected to the manner of his confronting me) and I need arguments from both sides of the fence. Am I overreacting? Or he just a scary bourdary-breaker?
 
 
Whisky Priestess
12:23 / 19.02.05
And why does the bell never work when the pizza man is trying to deliver, but always when it's people I don't want to see?!
 
 
Spatula Clarke
12:27 / 19.02.05
A bit of both, I'd say. I'm sure you'd be a bit pissed off if it had been the other way round - if you'd been told that it was possible that something of yours could have been put on by someone, then that person had purposefully ignored all your attempts to get in touch with them, especially if you hadn't heard anything for a while.

Maybe he presumed that making a personal appearance was the only way he was going to get his plays back? If you've been ignoring his calls and messages, then his appearing on your dorrstep is bound to be unannounced, no?
 
 
Spatula Clarke
12:30 / 19.02.05
That said, he used the word "animus" in actual conversation. Twice. So it's a fair bet that he's normally a bit of a knob.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
12:34 / 19.02.05
Cheers - I actually don't think I would *ever* go to someone's house, especially if they'd only been incommunicado for a week, but I'm wondering if that's a boundary that's peculiar to me. "I know where you live" has always sounded like a very powerful threat to me.

What I REALLY don't understand is why he didn't even seem to understand why I would be a bit unnerved by being doorstepped in my dressing gown ...
 
 
Spatula Clarke
13:00 / 19.02.05
Maybe he'd worked up a head of steam on the way over - that animus stuff has got to be part of a prepared speech, "Yeah, then I'll call her this, then I'll say this, yeah, then I'll give her this look..." - so there's chance he didn't even notice the whole dressing gown thing as a result.

Incidentally, I do think he was very much out of order, from what you've said, but there's at least some possible justification for it. Dad might have been let down badly in the past, that sort of thing. Just fire the remaining play off to him when you can and forget it.
 
 
Smoothly
13:24 / 19.02.05
You live in central London, don't you Whisky? Where's he from, Didly-On-The-Wold? There is no way that that boundary is peculiar to you. He's lucky you opened the door.
You should take the other play round in person, perhaps bring a couple of mates. Let yourself in, make yourself at home; he probably leaves a key under the mat...
 
 
HCE
19:51 / 19.02.05
Is everyone insane? Is the the bizarro world version? It was completely out of line for him to show up at your place, and he's damn lucky you didn't mace him in the eyes straightaway. Good god!
 
 
HCE
19:55 / 19.02.05
Clarification - I don't mean everyone here -- this is the second story like this I've heard this week...
 
 
sTe
20:18 / 19.02.05
hang on hang on hang on

assuming that this poor lad didn't get your letter before turning up (some what rudely) at your house. Put your self in his place, an aspiring(?)playwrite, his dad says, I've given a copy of all your latest plays to a director at the theatre. He's like, dsd! F*cking hell man!

His dad's trying to do the best for him, so he waits for a bit, all excited like, maybe one of his plays will actually be performed or something. Gets a bit nervous after a while and thinks, hang on not ready for this, will go and get my material back and make out like I didn't want anyone to see it yet anyway, then gets to your door and....
 
 
HCE
20:27 / 19.02.05
I didn't want anyone to see it and ... I certainly do not go to anyone's door. I make sure my material is legally protected, I chew out my dad, I call and write repeatedly, I have my dad call and write repeatedly, and then I curse my rotten luck.
 
 
Spatula Clarke
20:38 / 19.02.05
Slight confusion creeping in, guys:

a play by an old chap whose son wants to put them on
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
20:58 / 19.02.05
I'd say he's for deffo out of order. Turning up at your house in itself is an iffy move, though not NECESSARILY wrong- turning up and being polite could just about swing it in a good way, but only "could" and only "just about"... turning up and getting arsey is a bit fucking rude.

Mind, I have very specific and idiosyncratic parameters for "politeness", so I could easily be wrong. But those are my feelings on the matter.
 
 
sTe
21:04 / 19.02.05
oops apologies for much mis-interpretation

Back to what I said before, but it's your son exposing you to a world that may not be ready for what you have to say (and he's still bang out of order for his impromptu retrieving my old fella's plays cause he says I've got no right to... etc)
 
 
Papess
21:28 / 19.02.05
Doesn't anyone call first anymore?
 
 
8===>Q: alyn
10:56 / 20.02.05
He wouldn't have done it if you were a man, Whisky. Mace him.
 
 
w1rebaby
19:21 / 20.02.05
Hello, another vote for "fucking freak, beat him with a flatiron".

Turning up at someone's house unanounced and calling them an "animus"... the sign of someone who's lost track of reality, frankly.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
20:23 / 20.02.05
Turning up at your house completely unannounced: Not the most socially adroit way to go about things, possibly a symptom of anxiety over the scripts ect., but maybe forgivable.

Turning up at your house completely unannounced, being all pushy and using the word "animus" and yelling through the door after you and generally being a bit of a knobfest: Cattleprod.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
20:35 / 20.02.05
NB: It may be that I am a touch biased, being used to editors needing to hang on to writey stuff for up to a year in some cases before making a decision. Dunno much about theatres/scripts ect.
 
 
8===>Q: alyn
01:32 / 21.02.05
You're not an animus woman, by the way. I'm almost certain you're not.
 
 
Jub
14:14 / 21.02.05
Animus, good word. I'll have to remember that one.

Is there anyway you can have a word and get him barred from your theatre?
 
 
Tryphena Absent
14:45 / 21.02.05
He was incredibly aggressive towards you and of course you have a right to be rude to him- he turned up at the weekend while you were in your dressing gown to confront you about something that was your choice. He was a git.
 
 
Mazarine
15:13 / 21.02.05
Screw mace, keep a lighter and a can of hairspray by the door and if he comes back again, set him on fire. "Animus woman." What the fuck does that even mean, and who the hell coined that phrase? It sounds complimentary, until you find out the definition assigned to it by the rude bastard at your door.
 
 
Lilly Nowhere Late
15:22 / 21.02.05
I agree; this is totally uncalledfor behaviour and I personally do not like people even calling me on the phone without some prior warning. Ok, that's unreasonable but a letter first, or email, wouldn't go amiss in my book. Is it normal for Londoners to just pop round for confrontation and tea? I don't answer my door personally unless I'm expecting someone who's gained prior consent. IMHO, none of the rest of the scene is answerable for; if the arsehole wouldn't have shown up unannounced, the rest of the scene wouldn't have occurred.
 
 
Spaniel
16:14 / 21.02.05
Yes, but Whisky was ignoring her messages, etc...

Whilst I agree with the consensus - his doorstepping antics were unforgivably intrusive and rude, as was his use of the word "animus"* - you probably could have handled the situation a little better, by picking up your messages, etc...

That kind of behaviour is bound to piss people off - people above and beyond those you are trying to avoid.



*Seriously, what a pretentious little cock. I'm surprised you didn't accidentally punch his face off.
 
 
rising and revolving
16:27 / 21.02.05
I'm obviously not to be taken seriously, as I tend the other way to almost everyone else. I think it's probably an Australian thing, actually, where it's not unusual to have people show up unnannounced on your door. Or maybe that's just me.

Anyhow, sounds like he was a bit of a cock when he turned up, regardless.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
17:11 / 21.02.05
Update - I gritted my teeth and listened to his most recent message (other one had been wiped by phone as too old) - and it contained a through-gritted-teeth request to get in touch, but no indication that a lack of response would involve a house call.

So I posted the remaining play back with my original polite note (still in the mail tray this morning - thanks, work postie) and a very curt one suggesting he never contact me again. And that, until we get a CCTV buzzer phone, is that.
 
 
Lilly Nowhere Late
06:25 / 22.02.05
This thread jinxed me. Last night an unannounced visitor came ringing on the door bell. I was trying to prepare dinner and feed it to my flu ridden family(flu, not flee) and was as nonplussed by the intrusion as normal. It was only an acquaintance being very drunk and searching for his friend who would never normally be here so I sent him away quickly and efficiently but then I remembered having just said the above. Today I shall proclaim to never accept giant parcels of cash from strangers. Let's see what happens...
 
  
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