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Underground > Creation >

Change the last two lines?

02:14 / 30.01.05

Searching for the words to make my feelings fly
To put to paper things I can’t deny

A new taste of something old
A friendly hand that I can hold
Thoughts fierce, faces bold, and brilliant eyes to bind me

Over sheets, and under fire
Burning beauty in deep desire
Turning minds, and finding faith
You are the reason for
tomorrow and today.

06:58 / 30.01.05

Dude that is a good poem. You have rhythm and rhyme and imagery. I think the reason you’re not satisfied with the last two lines don’t fit into the same rhythm.

ONLY NICE THINGS

08:20 / 30.01.05

It also drops what there was of a rhyme scheme. The first couplet has a similar problem with th rhythm - in fact, it's only the middle verse that really follows a rhythmic structure, in a Longfellow sort of way.

More generally, why do you need the first two lines? They appear to be a description of what you are doing - writing something down - which is made pretty clear by the fact that it is being read.

09:50 / 30.01.05

1) Haus is right. 2) I'm going to pester you about your imagery:

A friendly hand that I can hold
Thoughts fierce, faces bold, and brilliant eyes to bind me

In your experience, do people usually hold hands with their friends? I think once it was common, but the only people I've seen do this are Indian men. Also, "friendly" doesn't really seem to match "fierce," "bold," and "brilliant." Maybe there's something else that rhymes with "bold." And what's this:

A new taste of something old

Got to do with the other stuff?

Over sheets, and under fire

This is confusing, though that could work for you. What sort of sheets are these, and what sort of fire? Possibly because of those first two lines, I pictured you writing, and then the pages burning, but this is probably not what you meant. I wonder if you mean, like, machine gun fire. Is this you and someone holding hands in bed, whilst being fired on? It's confusing.

Turning minds, and finding faith

What?

You are the reason for
tomorrow and today.

This is one of those vague, portentious endings I warned you about. Who is? Me? Your girlfriend? Your children? God? Why is that person the reason, other than that you say so?

22:34 / 30.01.05

In your experience, do people usually hold hands with their friends? I think once it was common, but the only people I've seen do this are Indian men. Also, "friendly" doesn't really seem to match "fierce," "bold," and "brilliant.

A lover can also be a friend, Qalyn. In fact, if one believes (as I do) that real friendship is truer and more powerful than mere sexual attraction, friendship between lovers is an absolute neccessity.

ONLY NICE THINGS

07:25 / 31.01.05

That doesn't explain the fire, though. More generally, it's important in these situations to talk about the work, not about what it reminds you of from your own experience. This is what kills almost all writing groups.

So:

A friendly hand that I can hold
Thoughts fierce, faces bold, and brilliant eyes to bind me

First up, does "friendly" work with "fierce", "bold" and "brilliant"? Second up, does holding hands work with being "bound" by "brilliant eyes"? Is there a contrast or dissonance, and if so why? While we're at it, why singular hand and plural faces?

10:28 / 31.01.05

A lover can also be a friend, Qalyn.

If it's a lover's hand, why on earth wouldn't you say so?

ONLY NICE THINGS

10:41 / 31.01.05

Well, a lover's hand can be friendly, although it seems rather a jump in intensity.

More generally, if it's a friendly hand, or indeed if it's a lover's hand, you'd *expect* to be able to hold it, whether or not it was a common occurrence. So, unless we are aware that the writer has a history of relationships with people whose hands are either intangible or frictionless, I'm not sure what "that I can hold" (as distinct from the friendly hands that I _cannot_ hold) is working very hard in that line.

13:31 / 31.01.05

Actually, if you just said

A hand that I can hold
Thoughts fierce, faces bold,
brilliant eyes to bind me

You might just have something.

15:33 / 31.01.05

You guys are great! I loved reading through this thread. I will make some changes after work, and repost it.

ONLY NICE THINGS

15:39 / 31.01.05

I'm not convinced about the utility of the syntax mangled and words transposed, though. If you're talking backwards to make things rhyme, you should probably think about whether that is the right ryhme to use.

00:47 / 02.02.05

Or;

'A thought that I can hold...
Eyes fierce, faces bold,
Brilliant hands to bind me.'

01:24 / 02.02.05

Plus;

'Burning sheets in old desire,
Paper taste you can't deny,
Friendly feelings searching words
Finding beauty, under fire."