She never wanted to talk about her feelings, and would never say how she felt, or how she was doing. Whenever I tried to bring things up, like I have written in the letter, she would lose her cool and become irritable. I gave her this letter, and stayed with her while she read it, and then talked with her for several hours.
Michelle,
You are so amazing.
I am in awe of you, what you can do, endure, and the things and people that you build up all around you. That is what I find so attractive about you, and may be what makes butterflies in my stomach when I see you (although I am still trying to pin point the exact cause of those butterflies).
I have deep feelings for you. I care about what happens to you, I worry when you work too hard, and if you don’t get enough sleep, and if you have enough faith in yourself, I worry about all sorts of stuff.
I realize that we are two very different people, and I didn’t want that to matter, I wanted to figure out a way to make things work between you and I no matter what. But we have very different personalities. I use words to describe you like, inspiring, fun, witty, and have nicknames for you like “Gorgeous,” and “Good Lookin” and you use words like, weird, and un-normal, and terms like too analytical and awkwardly deep, to describe me.
My life has become an emotional rollercoaster. I feel like I am just along for the ride and I have no control. Sometimes you smile at me, I mean really smile, and the world around me lights up! My heart starts pounding, I get jittery, and nervous, because you, this angelic girl, are smiling at me, and Michelle, nothing could be more beautiful.
Other times,…are different, and I cant reach out to you, I cant feel your warmth or believe your smile. You can make my confidence crash down around me, and I feel alone, empty, worse I feel hollow, like a shell of a man. Broken, cast aside, worthless. But you are still there, the same girl that makes my heart flutter, with a few words, (I know unintentional) you make me bleed on the inside, and I bare the pain, and try not to treat you differently. I try to compliment myself, to feel better, to lighten the mood, and hoping that maybe you will agree with me that I am a worth while person, and that you do care for me too. But for whatever reason, we can’t communicate, I can’t break through your barriers, and it is killing me in every way that matters.
I have tried to talk to you about so much of this, but I can see how it still might be a really bad shock to you. I am so sorry. I know you care for me, there is no question of that in my mind, you have proved it through time made, and spent with me, (I know you miss sleep to spend time with me) you have made adjustments in the way you treat me, (you don’t throw your hand over my mouth when I am talking anymore), you say great things about me to people, thank you for that. The question is in my heart, I just don’t feel it, and trust me, I WANT to feel it.
It is not any one of these small things that has pushed me over the edge, these small things are all symptoms of something bigger. I don’t know what that bigger thing is, but I have just hoped and prayed that it would go away, and that you and I would work out.
This would be too hard for me to say all in words out loud, and I don’t think that I could have said it without a few tears, and I know that I would not be able to finish what I had to say.
I am glad to know someone like you. I don’t regret any time I have spent with you, or any of the things that you and I have shared. I just wish that I could be stronger, thicker skinned, and be just a little more normal. You have tolerated a lot from me, and I know that I did things that bothered you, and I have friends that you didn’t like but you put up with anyway, I just hope that after everything you have never questioned the way I feel for you. I am your biggest fan, and I have more faith in you, that you will rock this world, than I have in anyone else.
The worst thing you could ever do to me now, is put this letter down and say “fine, whatever.” Don’t do that, be my friend, help me find happiness, care for me like I have cared for you. |
