Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.

Underground > Conversation >

X-girlfriends

Page: (1)2

05:57 / 26.01.05

We broke up about a month ago, she is the president of my college, I am the political beet writer for the paper, things were always tough. We come from very different backgrounds, she has lived with her parents in dreamlike luxury, and I was living on my own at young age, fending for myself.

Long story short, we broke up, and I have moved on, but she insists that we are meant to be together. Things are getting weird, she brings me gifts one day (I don’t think I should be accepting them, but she adamantly insists) and the next day is starting anti-Ben political movements around campus, but then the very next day is at my door with another gift, and an apology card.

I understand her frustration, that she cares for me, and by bringing gifts she is showing that, and apologizing for the momentary outbursts. I also understand that she has the outbursts because she is frustrated and scorned.

I need help! I care about her, and/but am at my wits end. Talks don’t work, avoiding her just pisses her off, and I really don’t want to resort to tough love. And incase you are wondering, I have given her no hope of us getting back together. I made a clean break, and have stuck to it, I know the gifts are a bad thing, and will not accept any more from her.

Anyone dealt with something like this before? Any help?

07:19 / 26.01.05

I think we've all been in that situation yeah. Do you go out late at night in a spandex costume as well ?

07:50 / 26.01.05

so ' president of the college' and 'starting anti-Ben political movements around campus'...hhhmmm, it could be that you could just turn this one over to the relevant authorities.

or ask yourself this: 'what would steve do?'

and do the opposite.

08:09 / 26.01.05

Hell, aren't you entertaining,

08:26 / 26.01.05

Talks don’t work, avoiding her just pisses her off, and I really don’t want to resort to tough love

The thing with avoiding her is if you keep avoiding her, and you do it properly, you will never know whether she's pissed off or not. Anyway, what is it to you if she's pissed off? Let the woman be pissed off. I think it's usually a mistake to try and caretake an ex through a breakup, particularly a messy, weird-boundary one like this. Be clear but firm, don't get sucked in, stick to your guns, avoid her like crazy, and have a bit of patience. A month isn't a long time. (Depending on how long you were going out. If it was like, a week, then maybe you should be scared.)

08:48 / 26.01.05

She has lived with her parents in dreamlike luxury, and I was living on my own at young age.

THEY FIGHT CRIME!

10:14 / 26.01.05

Claim she's turned you gay. Have Steve fuck you by way of illustration ("honestly, dude, you'd be doing me a favour") while she looks on.

Then post about it here.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

10:28 / 26.01.05

How long were you together for? It doesn't seem all that long ago that you were quite the boy about town... or was that someone else?

Either way... um... actually, no, I have no advice. I'll wish you luck, though.

10:33 / 26.01.05

Claim she's turned you gay. Have Steve fuck you by way of illustration ("honestly, dude, you'd be doing me a favour") while she looks on.

Then post about it here.

best advice ever.

What's even better is you get to keep the presents- cos every homely wealthy college president needs a gay best friend- honestly don't you watch Will and Grace? I'm sure steve does...

12:57 / 26.01.05

I'm with Deva on this one: if you really don't want to be with her, don't be around her. Don't return calls. Don't go places you expect to run into her - unless it's necessary for work, in which case you must politely insist on appropriate professional conduct from both her and yourself. If she comes to you, be polite but firm in asking her to leave. As for the gifts, my take on that is that if they are presented as tokens of "apology" for her bad-mouthing, etc., then you can graciously accept them (and the apology) on that basis, while making it clear that it is still over between you. If, on the other hand, they are "reconciliation" gifts that are supposed to make everything good between you again, then they should be firmly but politely refused, and if she simply leaves without them, they should be returned. (You'll notice I keep coming back to "firm but polite" - do your best to avoid shouting matches, even if she really wants to start one. A good loud fight only prolongs the emotional fallout from the breakup, and gives another incident to "make up" after.)

You can (I would hope) run damage control with mutual acquaintances without having to deal with her directly, and ought to do your best to avoid getting dragged into a "he said/she said" match through intermediaries. Of course, if these "political movements" get really obstructive, then there may be grounds to cite her for harassment (though if you want to keep things from getting really ugly too fast, leave this for a last resort, and only after warnings).

Good luck.

~L

12:57 / 26.01.05

Just be friendly but stay well clear of her. On no accounts have sex with her.

13:44 / 26.01.05

Stand firm, be strong, and don't give muddled signals. If you're feeling guilty that she will feel bad and you will feel better, don't. Next time you break up with someone, you could be in her shoes and you would need clarity just the same.

Look where Steve's "yes but no but" signals have got you in the past.

And what's a the political beet writer? They have very radical vegetables where you are? Interviews must be a bit one-sided.

Ex

14:06 / 26.01.05

I understand her frustration, that she cares for me, and by bringing gifts she is showing that, and apologizing for the momentary outbursts. I also understand that she has the outbursts because she is frustrated and scorned.

This is a very sweet interpretation and I wouldn't argue, but she is also both giving you prezzies and having shouty moments in order to get your attention. Having an outburst (like in Alien), then apologising, gets double the Ender-time that either one alone would muster. I'm not saying it's deliberate or planned. It is a terribly simple need, and she could as easily be stripping or shouting "I'M THE POPE!" through a paper cone.

So I'd second and third the above advice, and for more reasons: every time you two interract she has more new information to run over in her head, analyse and consider. And the longer this drags on, the longer she has a sense of you two as a going concern, and a feature of her emotional life (albeit an unpleasant one).
If it feels cruel, then I'd say that she is certainly not enjoying the current state of delusion and limbo, so if there's really no chance of a reconciliation, the sooner she can move herself beyond it the better.

Ex

14:10 / 26.01.05

Sorry, 'the advice above' I'm seconding is that you try to avoid her, not that you get hot man action, fight crime, or indeed train an all-male lemur dance squad or whatever other misbegotten simian-centric or Smiths-based hokum may have crept in while I was composing my post.

Although hot man action is never amiss.

14:32 / 26.01.05

I thank all for the words, I found much of it... very thought worthy, and the rest gave me a smile in a time I need to have one.

Rollo Kim, on location

15:34 / 26.01.05

Ender, I was in a very similar situation when I was at Uni. The girl in question pretty much stalked me before she introduced herself. Someone used to send me anonymous 'love letters' - I never found out who, until my girlfriend confessed. We were together for about two years but her behaviour eventually exhausted me. We split up and it took another few months for her to finally just completely ignore me rather than doing the "I'm so sorry" / "I'm going to kill you" thing.

It turned out she had a sort of mental illness that effected her moods. Anyway, the only way I could make the break completely was to just be totally honest with her and say - as nicely as I could, 'I'm exhausted, I need some space,' and then finally 'I'm sorry but it's over', with the odd helping of 'it's not you, it's me' thrown in...

16:37 / 26.01.05

double the Ender-time

Off-topic, did anyone else, on reading this, think of novelty sex toys?

Less searchable M0rd4nt

14:32 / 27.01.05

Interestingly textured silicone objects did cross my mind, yes.

17:20 / 27.01.05

"I think it's usually a mistake to try and caretake an ex through a breakup"

I have to disagree with this -- it's not easy to do (and I've been on both ends of it) but I've always found forcible silences cruel and harmful. I have a hard time cutting off somebody I've loved, and am always really crushed when it happens to me. I do think that a period of silence & distance will come about on its own, and obviously none of this applies in a situation where somebody's being hostile or abusive in any way.

18:49 / 27.01.05

Interestingly textured silicone objects did cross my mind, yes.

Awww, you've been thinking of me, Mordant! I am touched.

Nightclubdwight: Got to agree with the silence being cruel and harmful. Just as in the case of things needing to be divided up, emotions need some airtime too, to sort them.

ONLY NICE THINGS

19:46 / 27.01.05

I am touched.

Not by Ben, you're not.

22:09 / 27.01.05

Dear Ben,

I haven't read your whole post because, frankly, I'm a thoughtless asshole, but I gather it has something to do with getting your ex to leave you alone and I do have some advice for that.

1) Make her a mix tape with songs explaining why you don't want to be with her any more. Just make sure you don't use I Used to Love Her, by Guns & Roses, because that song is hilarious and she will think you're kidding.

2) This one takes a little organization. Arrange to meet with your ex in a public place near her job. The public-place-near-job thing is a careful subliminal message that you're going to be telling her something upsetting, but you're not. You're going to cancel at the last minute and hang around that neighborhood with a new girl, making out on streetcorners and whatnot, until you're sure you've been spotted by your ex's co-workers. It is actually more important that your ex's co-workers see you than your ex herself. There is a psychological reason for this that I can't explain right now.

3) Fuck her, then a week later break up with her, then at some random interval fuck her again. It's important not to fall into a routine here, though. SOmetimes you're going ot have to let months go by before you break up with her again.

I know this seems like a lot of unpleasantness, but it takes a lot of will to be a total bastard.

22:32 / 27.01.05

BFD,

I haven't read the above post all the way through because I never do really, but I dare say if you definitely don't want her to ever speak to you again, you could do worse than take quoted advice.

08:39 / 28.01.05

I've always found forcible silences cruel and harmful. I have a hard time cutting off somebody I've loved

Isn't there, like, a huge expanse between 'forcible silence' and 'caretaking through', though? Cutting off contact is a big deal, I agree, but... I don't think the person who's chucked you (or who you've chucked) is the most sensible choice for chief counsellor/caretaker for the grieving process. I think you're better off going to friends (or, indeed, a counsellor). But then I've only really had two break-ups, and they were both pretty badly handled, so what do I know...

Tryphena Absent

12:28 / 28.01.05

Talks don’t work

I've always found that talks do work. If you're breaking up with someone you have to at least leave them the opportunity for measly revenge, otherwise it just festers. I'd guess, at a distance, that she really just doesn't get why you've broken up with her and that probably means you haven't told her the truth. Which is just unfair seeing as it wasn't your relationship, it was your relationship. Anyway I might be jumping to conclusions but then you haven't really told us what you've talked about with her- start from there and someone might have an answer for you.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

12:59 / 28.01.05

If you're breaking up with someone you have to at least leave them the opportunity for measly revenge, otherwise it just festers. I'd guess, at a distance, that she really just doesn't get why you've broken up with her and that probably means you haven't told her the truth.

Yeah. One of my best friends is an ex from about ten years ago. When we split up she went the whole "not talking about reasons" route. Even now, ten years down the line, when we're best mates, all that's in the past and neither of us actually care anymore, let alone remember properly, part of me is still resentful about the whole thing, and occasionally it still leads to pointless, nasty arguments about literally nothing. Which can ruin a good night out, if nothing else.

Ex

15:00 / 28.01.05

I agree in part, but I feel as though when you break up non-mutually, there is always a huge imbalance which one person A will try to correct and person B can't really help as much as person A wants.
For example, B has the information as to why they felt the relationship shouldn't continue, but unless it's really bloody obvious ('You slept with my mother and ate my leg'), it's probably not going to seem like a valid reason to A, who has been having a satisfying (at least partially) relationship that they felt was workable.

Also, B can spend as much time on the phone to A as A wants, but is not going to go back to being their partner, and it will take much time for A to see that anything else doesn't suck donkeys comparatively. Although friendship can be at least as worthwhile and wonderful as a relationship, offering friendship at the point where you want to split up with someone is going to feel like a huge downgrade.

So, yes I think people should give clear, honest but not hurtful reasons to the people they want to split up with; and you should be available for a few discussions about what happened, how you feel and what should happen next (number and length probably in relation to a lot of factors, including longevity of relationships). I (possibly optimistically) hoped Ender had done all this [significant looks at the boy at the top of the thread].
I'm thinking of the next stage, where the person who wanted to continue the relationship is feeling huge needs, and is trying to solve them by contact with their ex. I really feel nothing their ex can do will entirely help, because they can't offer what the person wants. It's like offering really thin soup to someone.

18:55 / 28.01.05

I started typing a reply here, but felt that it justified a new thread.

23:54 / 28.01.05

" I don't think the person who's chucked you (or who you've chucked) is the most sensible choice for chief counsellor/caretaker for the grieving process"

No, of course you're quite right about this. I suppose we're talking about two different kinds of caretaking though. Friends are the ones to take you out for drinks and give you a shoulder to cry on, etc. but they weren't in the relationship you were just in and don't know the ins & outs of it.

Perhaps I should say that I don't think all obligation to a person with whom you've been very intimately involved comes to a screeching halt the moment you call it quits. I don't think it's 'being girlfriends' that obliges you treat somebody with care, it's caring for each other -- and you don't stop caring for each other just because you're not girlfriends anymore.

All this with the caveat, of course, that it's a breakup caused by just not being right for each other or some such relatively benign thing, and not by violence or hostility. The friendships I've been able to sustain with former lovers are extremely important to me, and I don't think they'd be around if I had made myself really unavailable to them for those post breakup expressions of dismay and hurt. I wasn't too happy about hearing them but I thought the least I could do was let this person who meant so much to me get it off her chest. When I was afforded a similar opportunity, it helped me feel as though I wasn't suddenly nothing and nobody in the eyes of this person -- friends are quite lovely but there are certain kinds of comfort they can't give.

This is what has worked for me, I'm not saying it's right for everyone.

23:55 / 28.01.05

The more I mean something the less clearly I'm able to state it -- I don't think 'obligation' was a great word to use, but I hope you can see what I'm getting at.

00:32 / 29.01.05

--THE MORE I MEAN SOMETHING, THE HARDER IT IS FOR ME TO STATE IT--

Quote of the year!!! Bravo.

07:16 / 29.01.05

Stand firm, be strong, and don't give muddled signals.

Be strong, serve God only, know that if you do beautiful heaven awaits.

17:18 / 29.01.05

Really?

Brigade du jour

20:41 / 29.01.05

I saw a man with no money, no clothes, no plate. Mr Wendal, that's his name.

20:46 / 29.01.05

Wendal CLarke?

Page: (1)2