| |
|
Well, I realise that this rather strikes at the heart of the poem, but why the anastrophe in the first line? It doesn't have to rhyme with anything, which is the usual reason for poetic anastrophe, and the advantages of the second reason - to place the emphasis on "lips" - I don't think flies when you're repeating the phrase so many times.
More generally, I come back to the endless question of what this is for, and whether what it is successfully achieves this goal? It's described as a light romantic thriller, but there doesn't seem to be a progression - there's no plot, which is something thrillers need. She has provided lips. He has received them. This may be metaphorical or literal. He may be in jail. As a complete light-hearted romantic thriller, it's opaque. As an opening chapter, it could work, but I'd suggest possibly losing about 30-40 verses.
Rhyme and scansion. It is possible to write "novels" in verse - see, say, Dorothy Porter's "The Monkey's Mask". It is even possible to write "novels" in rhyming couplets, although not fashionable - the Augustans used to pull shit like that. However, they do tend to draw attention to flaws quite seriously - most obviously, unforced variations in scansion and forced fourth lines. Again, this is something pruning the weaker quatrains would help a lot with.
So, yeah. Is this intended to be a prologue, or a complete piece? Is it meant to be a romantic thriller, or a poem? What's it for? |
|
|
