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Underground > Temple >

"The Ultimate Battle Between Good and Evil" will be fought over, er, AC's old bed.

13:38 / 13.01.05

You couldn't make it up. This story, I mean, not the bed. But, Uncle Al's wankstains are causing much distress to certain well-known Wiccans, it would appear.

14:02 / 13.01.05

Somebody ought to point out to these people that, rather than getting a "High Priest of White Witches" in to turn Crowley's haunted bed into a normal bed, they could just put the thing on ebay, sell it to some fuckwit for a truly terrifying amount of money, and then buy themselves a normal bed from IKEA or something. What's the point in owning a famous occultist's bed if it's been exorcised?

14:33 / 13.01.05

All of which makes me wonder if there might be a speculative futures market on everyday items owned by today's magicians on the off chance that they might get famous... How much do you think LVX23's toothbrush might be worth in 50 years? Illmatic's coat? Boy in a Suitcase's suitcase? Let alone a genuine pair of Trouser the Trouserian's trousers? I might go around stealing stuff off all the magicians I know and keep them all in a lock-up somewhere. A solid investment for the future I reckon. If I ever have any kids they'll be well looked after with that lot.

trouser the trouserian

14:34 / 13.01.05

Kevin Carlyon, High Priest of White Witches

That's a title that only Carlyon, and the Yellow Press take seriously. This sounds to me like just another of dear old Kevin's 'media stunts' - his ice cream van can't be doing too well at the moment.

14:36 / 13.01.05

surely there's bound to be a whole posse of folk in california claiming that the bed's always been theirs anyway and no white witches better touch it or...

trouser the trouserian

14:50 / 13.01.05

I might go around stealing stuff off all the magicians I know...

Well I've got a coffee mug at home that Grant Morrison actually drank out of - anyone care to make an opening bid?

17:10 / 13.01.05

..anyone seen me jacket? ..where is it...it was here a second ago...

19:09 / 13.01.05

I might go around stealing stuff off all the magicians I know and keep them all in a lock-up somewhere.

It's an addiction now, isn't it GL? First John Dee's crystal ball and now you just can't stop yourself.

19:15 / 13.01.05

Or you could just bottle at source I suppose. Let's face it, a freezer full of prime 'magick essence' could well be a goldmine in ten years time...

03:55 / 14.01.05

But if it's really Crowley's bed, isn't exorcising it the same as destroying an important historical atifact. Isn't there laws against such things?

Don't destroy our heritage, bigots!

07:21 / 14.01.05

But LykeX, Crowley was "evil"!.

Plus, how is Kevin Carlyon, (High Priest of White Witches, everywhere) supposed to prove his superiority to Crowley in the "white which" community? Hmm? Tell me that?

Having it out with the ghost of A.C is the only way for him to gain respect. However, I am sure anyone who is in the know, understands that Carlyon is NOT just a WITCH - He is THE WITCH!

Arrogant Fuck. I hope he can see this.

07:56 / 14.01.05

woo, he's met ruby wax, vot a vunderverker. i think this was the same guy who cropped up on radio 4 today show about three years ago, when a bit of beachy head collapsed, thereby triggering a delayed-reaction curse that AC had placed on nearby eastbourne. he was there talking to naughtie all 'i'm sure i can take the sting out of it'. he obviously likes himself as mister majiq-UK, probably just gets sick of people going 'oh, a witch? like aleister crowley you mean?'

09:20 / 14.01.05

I think I might start stalking this man. I could be his new arch enemy. Send him weird things in the post, claim to be plotting his downfall in the press, and hint at some hideous occult scheme that I'm masterminding. Perhaps I could claim to be developing a sinister magick ray gun that uses orgone energy to brain wash all of England's white witches into performing dastardly sex acts at my haunted castle high above the slopes of south east London. The device is powered by secret tantrik "energies" that only I can access, being the only sorcerer in England to have received the inner teachings of left hand kabbalah from my mentor Britney Spears. (Whose movie debut "Crossroads" contains a cornucopia of insights into practical hoodoo, for those astute enough to pick up on it). Or maybe I could claim to be in possession of another bed that Crowley once slept in, which I've welded to a hatstand belonging to Kenneth Grant and a toilet once shat in by Austin Osman Spare, around which I've sellotaped the toothbrushes of every current member of both the Caliphate and Typhonian OTO's. This terrifying device is now primed and operational, and I've targeted at his Mam's house, God bless 'er.

trouser the trouserian

09:35 / 14.01.05

But Gypsy, I thought you'd already waged a successful magical war against Carlyon and defeated him, trapping him within the pages of the original readers' proofs of the Voudun Gnostic Workbook (coming soon to ebay) so that he can only come out in the small hours after midnight and whisper frantic entreaties to be "set free" in the ears of people who haven't got a proper copy, driving them slowly but surely towards acts of self-mutilation and developing masturbatory fantasies over first editions of Kenneth Grant?

trouser the trouserian

10:11 / 14.01.05

The owners of the bed haven't really thought this through have they? I mean, a bed haunted by Crowley? Possible major attraction here, don't you think? If they'd said Oh yes, Crowley turns up sometimes bearing a spectral jar of vaseline and moaning "Victor, Victor, let's play Pan and the milkmaid again - look I've got my costume on and I've brought the lambs this time..." Thelemites'd be queuing up to book a few days "communing" with the Master.

11:32 / 14.01.05

I love Carlyon putting a fertility spell on the Cerne Abbas giant. Very kind of him i thought.

trouser the trouserian

12:16 / 14.01.05

Indeed, despite the fact that courting couples have been going up there and shagging on its willy for at least a hundred years.

12:48 / 14.01.05

Ah but now they have the living god of all witches on side. Mind you i am starting to slightly doubt his witchy credentials after seeing that photo on his website of him sat on his broomstick the wrong way round.

trouser the trouserian

14:27 / 14.01.05

Let's get Crowley's bed & Tracey Emin's bed together and see if they spawn a magical, er, sleeping bag.

14:48 / 14.01.05

Wasn't Tracey Emin's bed destroyed in a mysterious fire last year? Do you think Carlyon had anything to do with that?

trouser the trouserian

14:56 / 14.01.05

Damn! He obviously just read my post - and through the power of retroactive magic (i.e. sitting on broomstick backwards) went into the past and set fire to Tracey's bed!

Unconditional Love

16:28 / 14.01.05

dethrone king kev

Unconditional Love

16:44 / 14.01.05

now if anybody is really intrested in getting to grips with kev>

Ghostwatch
Regular visits to supposed haunted sites. Advice available, Kevin Carlyon, 22b Dane Road, St Leonards, TN38 0QW. (01424) 485392.

Pagan Healer & Adviser, Paranormal Researcher
22B Dane Road, St Leoanrds TN38 0QW, Sandie Carlyon

Paranormal Research
Kevin Carlyon, 22B Dane Road, St Leonards. Free advice available for those wth a supernatural problem.

Boy in a Suitcase

21:10 / 15.01.05

Hah hah you should have kept my hairy cow postcard while it was still in your clutches Gypsy!

Less searchable M0rd4nt

07:11 / 17.01.05

Does anyone know of a "Get over yourself and find some form of gainful employment" curse?

Unconditional Love

13:20 / 17.01.05

i wish i did.

01:13 / 25.01.05

"Kevin says he will time the 30--minute exorcism for the full moon on January 25."

So, anyone know how the ultimate battle between good and evil went? Is the world safe from Al's bed?

10:33 / 25.01.05

The bed won in the 3rd round with a TKO. THE Kevin cut himself with his own razor sharp wit and couldnt continue.

Good triumpths !

12:48 / 25.01.05

I hope that Crowley really did show up and had a few Goetic demons drag the idiot off to some distant part of hell to be haunted forever by publicity-addicted witch-wannabes.