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2004 was certainly more interesting than the previous two years but I can’t say it was a good year.
I was hugely depressed in the first quarter of the year. Then - for some bizarre reason - I became convinced that I could change and I started reading self-help books. My goal was to make three friends before the end of the year. Of course I didn’t make any friends and as always missed the last hours of the year as I went to bed early on new year's eve.
I didn’t go out much in 2002 and 2003 following a really bad break-up but last year I started going out regularly again - the result: one one-night stand, two casual short-term relationships, two nasty break-ups (tip: if you decide to break up with someone after over two months, do tell them, otherwise they won’t know that it’s over and might get quite pissed off if you turn up at a club with someone else) and loads of empty promises and lies (“I will call you.” “Don’t worry, this isn’t a one-night stand. I’d definitely like to see you again, you’re a lovely girl.” “I’d really like to stay friends with you.” (tip: bad break-up line if you don’t mean it, you will only rub salt into the wound) “Let’s go out next week. I’ll pick you up.” “I’ll be here next week. Hope I will see you again.” “I really like you.” “I will help you find a counsellor. I‘ll get back to you next week.” “Yes, of course we‘re still friends. I‘m just really busy at the moment.”).
Moving on sucks. Maybe I should have just stayed in all year and dreamt about my ex-boyfriend. I’ve always been bitter and cynical but now I’m also feeling quite rancorous - it’s not good. And my self-esteem is at an all time low (Why can’t you send me a text message if you’re no longer interested? Am I not worth 10 seconds of your time? And why ask for someone’s number in the first place if you’re not interested? Just in case you change your mind? Just in case you have no luck with other girls? Just in case you’re desperate for a shag at some point in the future?). I’m just a shaggable doormat that can be treated without any respect or consideration. And people are surprised that I still miss my ex-boyfriend.
My parents separated in August and have had some horrible fights since then involving the entire family.
My job really stressed me out. I resigned in September but then had to work another three months - quite possibly the longest three months of my life. After three years of working for a professional services firm and advising clients (a job I had chosen to improve my communications skills and because I thought the amount of “exposure” could help me overcome my shyness) I finally had enough of people and just wanted to work in a dark corner on my own and never talk to anyone again in my life. I even lost the ability to make telephone calls.
Now that I’m jobless I could quite easily not talk to anyone for a couple of months. But I’m gonna have to start looking for a new job at some point and that’ll involve job interviews, which will involve talking to people, which terrifies me.
So - a year ago I decided to move on, forget about my ex-boyfriend, meet new people, try to have another relationship, make friends…
Now I’m even more bitter, cynical, rancorous, self-conscious and avoidant than I used to be. I have finally realised that I will be friendless and lonely for the rest of my life and I will never meet someone as considerate and honest as my ex-boyfriend. Which is maybe for the best because that break-up was fucking horrendous.
Highlights:
- Seeing Nick Cave and Jarvis Cocker perform a song by Leonard Cohen. Together.
- Morrissey.
- My horse.
- Getting my final exam results via text message at the Reading Festival (I passed) while the Wildhearts were on stage - followed by the Hives, Peaches and !!!.
- Plenty of excellent gigs in the last two months of the year - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds (supported by Mercury Rev), The Faint, Selfish Cunt, Kasabian, Morrissey and the Pogues.
- Hope of the States (brilliant live band, brilliant debut album)
2004 was also the year I started whingeing and pouring out my heart on internet forums again - after four years of abstinence and lurkerdom. Ah well. |
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