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Please Beat Me

wembley can change in 28 days

09:18 / 29.11.04

Ok, it hasn't gone horribly wrong yet. But this always happens to me and I think I need a good swift kick to the head. There's this guy that I like... actually, he's one of my best friends at the moment. The sort of person you can be completely at ease with. Ridiculously intelligent, good looking, intersperses Foucault with MST3K and extensive knowledge about world cuisine. He recently broke up with his ex-girlfriend and so he's been single for a couple of months, but all we do is hang out and laugh our asses off.

Now all of a sudden some girl came out of left field and asked him out, and I am surprised to find myself so thrown I could hardly eat lunch today. I never thought I wanted to date him. Just you know, be an all-consuming presence. What just happened? Am I supposed to sit back and let this go on? Even if I didn't, he's a co-worker. Red lights all over the place.

Please, someone send me a single John Cusack or reasonable facsimilie to take my mind off it all. Or just beat me over the head and tell me to get over it.

13:17 / 29.11.04

Oh, that's no fun. You could just go on being his most-awesomest friend, wait a few months while he gets the recreational sex out of his system, then POUNCE! and snap him up right out of the arms of whatever screeching harpy is sharpening her nails on his spine.

Alternatley, you could covertly fund highly unethical cloning projects, collecting samples of Cusackian DNA for "testing" purposes, and giggling maniacally to an ever-expanding collection of empty wine bottles. It's a hard road for you either way, lady. Good luck.

13:27 / 29.11.04

A ring tailed lemur.

Next.

13:44 / 29.11.04

I could gently point out that this is exactly what happened to Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding*. If that doesn't scare you back to your senses, then maybe it's too late.

* Would you believe that I just happen to know the plot without having seen it? Thought not.

wembley can change in 28 days

14:48 / 29.11.04

Actually, My Best Friend's Wedding seemed tailor-made to warn me about my tendencies in life. I found watching it highly distressing, and not just because of all the Rupert. You see, I don't fall for anyone without getting to know them quite a bit, and it seems that as I get closer and closer to my male friends, the spark gets smaller and smaller until I'm an honourary guy, for chrissake. This has happened to me 3 times with straight men and thrice as well with homosexual men. In that same time period I've managed two relationships, one of which involved no emotions on my part at all. (The other one is now engaged in Australia, bless his rockin' heart to pieces.) My favourite part is when they heap their current relationship woes on me and fail to notice that my advice is, oh, shall we say less than objective. If you want to break up really smart people without them knowing it, I've been developing methods for years.

Second thought: the word "Cusackian" looks terribly dirty, doesn't it?

Third: they've got a date for next Saturday.

What am I doing wrong? Does Julia Roberts ever get to love a straight man in the sequel, or is she going to bitch about celebs with Rupert until they're both wrinkled old prunes?

14:58 / 29.11.04

oh, honey, I know EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. Exactly. And I have nothing constructive to add, besides my empathy.

19:59 / 29.11.04

I found myself in a similar situation (well the same except a gender reversal) about a year ago and decided to throw caution to the wind and tell her how I felt. I was working on the assumption that at least if I said something, it would get it out of my system and if I was rejected I'd at least know and be able to move on.

So I told her I liked her and would be up for exploring more than just friendship but didn't want to ruin what we already had. I got rejected and it was embarrassing for a while but luckily for me she was totally cool about it. I did indeed get it out of my system and we remain really good friends. And not those cheap pretend friends where you just exchange niceties in order to be polite but actual proper honest-to-goodness friends.

Perhaps you should just tell him, at the very least he should be flattered and you'll at least know for sure. But only if you think you can still be friends if he says no.
He'll probably still be cool to hang out with you regardless so it's really whether your pride can take it.

Either way, I know how hard this is and I'm with you all the way. Really hope it all comes good.

21:57 / 29.11.04

This has happened to me 3 times with straight men and thrice as well with homosexual men.

Soooo... you're attracted to men who're either unattainable by virtue of their sexual orientation or unattainable by virtue of suddenly being attracted to someone else. When they're sexually available, you're quite happy with platonic friendship.

It might be useful to spend a little time thinking about why you're attracted to men who won't or can't return the attraction. Hint: how do you get on with your father?

22:04 / 29.11.04

Look, for Barbelith you're quite normal.

22:17 / 29.11.04

Stereotypical, even.

22:22 / 29.11.04

You're just a big meanie! Boo!

We are all special snowflakes.

22:26 / 29.11.04

Indeed. Specially stereotypical flakes.

22:38 / 29.11.04

I could continue in the same vein but I'm fairly certain that both you and I and Ganesh know that, as you indicate in your first post, you need a good swift kick to the head. Fancy bloke => ask bloke out or demonstrate overwhelming and unavoidable attraction to bloke to get him to do similar! Or forget bloke and move on!

Yes, easy to say, but where's the flaw? There is no flaw. It's the only solution unless you like mooning over some guy indefinitely until he decides what he's going to do with his life.

00:02 / 30.11.04

I absolutely love Ganesh's mini-analysis above, but of course I have something to add. It's pretty easy, methinks, to confuse jealousy with affection/love/attraction, especially if you're the type to look for 'signs' of true love. I know that I can be pretty territorial about my male friends, and with the ones I'm closest to, it raises my hackles to even see them talk to another girl. At times, in the past, I've wondered, "ooh, do I LOVE him? I'm so jealous!" only to realize it's just an ego thing. Parting with your role as the coolest girl in his life is painful in its special way.

wembley can change in 28 days

05:37 / 30.11.04

omg, i heart you guys.

Ganesh: would it be awful to mention that my last pseudo-relationship was with someone older than my father? Put that in your cigar and smoke it!

I also forgot to mention that in 2 of the 3 gay cases, I didn't know they were gay at the time. I mean, they came out to me in the midst of it all. Bastards.

But all this is just more food for psychoanalysis. In reality, I suspect it might be what ibis suggested - an ego thing. I don't even know if I really would want to date this bloke, only that I don't want the possibility of fling to be reduced. Or something. It's complicated and potentially ruining my chances of marriage. It is, however, nice to know that I am normal (stereotypical, even) in at least one community on this not-attracted-to-me-but-love-me-anyway earth.

ps - my father gives great bear hugs. We get on fab.

06:46 / 30.11.04

ps - my father gives great bear hugs. We get on fab.

Aaand you appear to be attracted to men who'll give you great platonic "bear hugs", with whom you "get on fab" - men who won't or can't introduce sex into the equation...

wembley can change in 28 days

08:02 / 30.11.04

Good god man. But what does one do about such a thing? How is the recognition that my psyche has been unfortunately twisted by the fact that I have a dad supposed to help?

11:59 / 30.11.04

Well, recognition of a repeating pattern may help one break that pattern. Seems to me you perhaps need to work on distinguishing between who you want to have an intimate relationship with, and who you want to be friends with.

Wank more. That always helps.