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With the Alternative Miss World Contest going down tonight and inspired by the lovely Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality, I have been fantasising about that glorious and imaginary catwalk display that would be MISS BARBELITH!
What are you wearing? What is your party trick for the "talent" round?
MC Xoc is wearing the gorilla costume Marlene Dietrich wore in Blonde Venus. He scowls at each contestant in turn and barks the question. "What is your ambition, apart from ****ing World Peace?"
It's all a fix and Miss Sax is going to win but just ignore that.
I see a titianesque Miss Haus storming onstage in his Nazi Snobtroll boots, swirling a weighty fur cloak (made from the skins of flayed trolls) like Naomi Campbell in the anti-fur ad. His ambition is to make little children cry. His talent is gut-barging. The audience is a bit scared but impressed.
Miss Anna de Logardière is on next but misses her turn because she can't choose which of the forty something pairs of shoes she brought with her she should wear.
Miss Bear is on next, sheathed in neon-coloured lycra. His ambition is to chokeslam Solitaire Rose and his talent is doing air guitar to Iron Maiden tunes but he is quickly gonged off.
Miss Bengali follows, wearing the uniform of the Brighton Bi Club (morning coat, top hat and a lollipop, think Sally Bowles on the Graham Norton Show). Her ambition is teach the world to knit and her talent is Morrissey-dancing in those unfeasibly tall platforms.
Miss Lady Of The Flowers misses his turn because he's fighting with Miss Lurid Archive over the Deep Purple nail varnish backstage.
Whilst we await the entreé of Miss Benfox, wearing prison issue orange and lugging a great Smeg fridge behind him, in which parts of Steve are now kept, let's take a look at some of the other contestants. |
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