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The Ultimate Excuse Thread

14:48 / 19.10.04

Ok a friend asked me if I could think of an excuse for not going to a function, I thought this could be a great way to pool a wealth of excuses- both for emergencies and comedy value- who has the lowest morales on the boards in terms of what they will lie about to get out on top? How do i get out of something without offending my friends?

The three obvious needs for excuses that come to mind are...

1/ Unable to attend a function..

2/ Late for work/ school/ function etc.

3/ Work not completed in time for deadline.

on the unable to attend the function the most obvious one was to say 'oh not this weekend- I have another function on' or an old friend/ family member is visiting from out of town...
Sadly these struck me as very dull and unimaginative has anybody any better ideas?

Post your requirements- what you need to get out of and ideas for excuses... any ideas on how to get out of the 3 classic excuse scenarios above would be greatly appreciated...

16:57 / 19.10.04

The best answer I ever heard for being late was uttered in my highschool comp sci class, and it still rings in my mind: "Sorry I'm late, my grandpa was in the shower." It is so simple, yet complex...

17:04 / 19.10.04

i'm gonna use that!

Helpful hint:0)
*it also works when you replace Grandpa for Steve Benfox*

17:10 / 19.10.04

An acquaintance of mine once phoned up his office to explain he was going to be late that day beause he " couldn't find his shoes. " Always good to call and let them know, I think.

Haus of Mystery

17:27 / 19.10.04

I once couldn't go to work because my front door was not self-locking and I had lost my keys. My flatmates were all out, so I was effectively unable to leave without leaving my house open to burglarisers. My boss said it was so stupid it had to be true and i spent the day nursing a hangover on the sofa. Huzzah!

17:46 / 19.10.04

Having close cropped hair, I've always wanted to excuse myself from an unwanted date by saying that I was going to be washing my hair that night, but somehow, under-par females know better than to ask me out anyways, so I've never had the chance. dang it.

17:52 / 19.10.04

When I used to take public transportation to my old job, I could always use the "bus is late" excuse. The double beauty of it was that there was no practical way to check if I was lying, and it was entirely not my fault. If he got mad I could always say, "well, pay me enough to buy a car and it won't happen again," but it never came to that of course.

18:21 / 19.10.04

What not to do.

When making a habit of Skiving off school and your form tutor asks for a letter from your mother vouching for your recent illness, don't hand in an edited* photocopy of an old letter.

*With a black marker, no less!!!! Genius!!!!

18:39 / 19.10.04

Wasn't there a thread like this a while back?

Didn't someone say that they'd told their boss their girlfriend had died?

21:28 / 19.10.04

yeah, i think that was from me. it was my brother, i wont go over it again ill just leave you with this advice, plan your excuse BEFORE because the first thing of the top of your head isnt always the best.

21:40 / 19.10.04

Just leave it at ‘I’ve got an infection’, it always works fine. Could mean anything, but no-one ever wants to ask where you’ve got an infection, as long as it isn’t anywhere near them. Let their imagination do the work.

Come to think of it, I reckon most workplaces, if you give an ambiguous excuse like that your coworkers won’t want you to come in, they’d rather be able to spend a good day speculating about your ‘infection’.

Haus of Mystery

21:48 / 19.10.04

Or the squits. That always stops investigation dead. The more graphic your description, the less they want to know.

01:47 / 20.10.04

See, I always think if you volunteer any gruesome details, it could be taken as a signal that you don’t mind talking about your condition, and then you’re going to have to make something up, and that’s going to take valuable brain-energy that could be better used on staring out the window at dust particles. Stick with formulaic dark hints which could just as easily mean nothing: that’s the only way to go if you’re going to have a properly lazy day off. No, I haven't thought about this too much.

Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo

02:13 / 20.10.04

I tend to say that I can't come to work because I am bleeding from my eyes.

They don't know if it is true or not...nor do they want to.

02:30 / 20.10.04

Damn MacGyver, I've never heard of the "squits" before, but if somebody told me they had 'em I'd want that somebody far, far away from me, preferably quarantined and under 24 hour guard.

05:00 / 20.10.04

Nip/puck

Yeah I can kind of imagine what your brother went through.

Once, and I have to stress this was a looong time ago, I fell down the stairs during a Sunday night party, broke my glasses and so on, gave myself a black eye. Not in the mood for the office next day, I figured I'd call in and say I'd been mugged, assuming no one at work would be all that bothered.

This, as it turned out, was an incorrect assumption, and I had to spend the rest of the week going round the building pretending I was suffering from a mild form of post-traumatic stress, saying I *didn't want to talk about it*, and if pressed, and I still cringe to think about this now, mumbling something about *a couple of skinheads on the way out the tube...*

It was not a good week.

05:30 / 20.10.04

Let their imagination do the work.

I think this is key. A good one if you're incredibly late for work is that you accidentally swallowed your wedding ring the night before. Watch your boss eying your ring finger (complete with ring) uncomfortably.

08:46 / 20.10.04

Another 'what not to do':
If you're going to skip a week and half of lectures because you're going on a wee jolly to the US of A, you do not go to your studies advisor and tell him this. You also do not tell him this and then compound your idiocy by asking him "So what should I tell my lecturers?".

True story.

11:44 / 20.10.04

"My washing machine flooded."

Blaming electrical appliances is always a good 'un.

12:02 / 20.10.04

Whenever I pull a sickie my tried and tested method is to wear my dressing gown (not usually a problem), exhale completely and tie the cord as tight as possible around my stomach before breathing back in.

That way, when you're talking on the phone, you involuntarily retch during words. It totally sells it because the retching is 100?% genuine.

12:04 / 20.10.04

I believe that was also Michael Hutchence's favoured sickie-calling method.

12:08 / 20.10.04

That's why I don't have ceiling fans in my house

A fall of geckos

12:14 / 20.10.04

"An acquaintance of mine once phoned up his office to explain he was going to be late that day because he " couldn't find his shoes. " Always good to call and let them know, I think."

I once walked into a meeting late and announced "A puppy ran off with my shoes".
No-one questioned me. I'm pretty sure this was due to sheer surprise.

It's an invaluable excuse for any occasion really.

12:25 / 20.10.04

I believe that was also Michael Hutchence's favoured sickie-calling method.

Well he needed a good excuse to stop those losers from INXS following him around. No doubt he'd reached the end of his tether ...

I think the key to excuses is to sound pissed off yourself. If you phone up and launch into a tirade about some fucking bastards that broke xxx or held up xxx and now you have to spend all morning at the goddamn xxx, then people sympathize with your predicament and don't suspect you.