Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.

Underground > Conversation >

My brother, fuckup extraordinaire and his pill-shirking girl

wembley can change in 28 days

10:52 / 18.10.04

I got a call from my mom (in Kentucky) last night. I'm in Helsinki, and my brother (in London Ontario) is going to be a dad. He's 25, and he's not happy. You see, the story seems to be that his gf Lisa went off the pill without telling him. I can just see all the guys in the house sayin' "oh brother."

Well, he doesn't want to marry her. Unsurprisingly, he feels like trust in their relationship is a long way off. He won't have her move in. He wants everything to be as good as possible for the kid, but he's now realizing that after five years of on-and-off with his girlfriend, it's not a good relationship for him.

So his big plan? I talked to him on the phone last night. Apparently in an effort to make the pregnancy as stress-free as possible, he's going to be nice to her, but as soon as the baby's arrived he's going to dump her. Because that will solve all his problems and reduce stress on the child, obviously. He also realizes that now he finally has the courage to say to her that they should move on and that he can finally break away from her, but in the same breath tells me he's not going to shirk his parental duties in any way.

Basically I'm furious at them both for not having a single brain between them. If she went off the pill on purpose, she's a right idiot. And why does my brilliant, caring, fucked-up-but-not-stupid brother always go for girls who think that kind of way?

What do you tell a brother who's stressed out, in school, minimum-wage-earning, running a club, $20,000 in debt, not in love with his girlfriend and in this situation?

11:16 / 18.10.04

I talked to him on the phone last night. Apparently in an effort to make the pregnancy as stress-free as possible, he's going to be nice to her, but as soon as the baby's arrived he's going to dump her.

Dude, that's cold. If nothing else, just after pregnancy is not a good time for the child either. Most likely to send his girlfriend into a hellish postnatal depression. Welcome to the world baby, Mummy's just going to hang herself/stare vacantly at the wall for five hours/forget to feed you for three days.

Basically I'm furious at them both for not having a single brain between them. If she went off the pill on purpose, she's a right idiot.

Why? My Mum had her first child at 26. I've known 16 year old mothers who do a fantastic job of raising their kids.

What do you tell a brother who's stressed out, in school, minimum-wage-earning, running a club, $20,000 in debt, not in love with his girlfriend and in this situation?

You can tell him that my father was in a shitty job and at University when my eldest brother was born and now my father is a lawyer earning lots of money and spending it on the life he has choosen. You can tell him my mother worked as a translator for the Scottish tourist board when her first child was born and she now has her PhD and is teaching at a University. There is life after your children are born, is what I'm trying to say.

If he has to break up with this girl, he ought to do it now, so she has the opportunity to make a different choice about her life if she wants. Abortion, adoption, keeping the baby, emigrating to Australia and meeting the love of her life and so forth. A shitty trick should not be met with another shitty trick.

wembley can change in 28 days

11:20 / 18.10.04

Good points Nobody's girl. When I say she's a right idiot for going off the pill, it should read "for going off the pill on purpose without telling my brother." The poor kid (my brother I mean) is already the type for whom loyalty and trust are priceless and very difficult to repair. Quelle breach of trust. All I want is for the kid to grow up with love and respect. Raised by monkeys for all I care, as long as they're the loving, respecting kind of monkeys.

ONLY NICE THINGS

11:37 / 18.10.04

Agreed all round. Assuming that the brother did not want a child and the girlfriend did, she decided by failing to give him the information that she was off the pill, and thus the option of making an informed choice to move to an alternative form of contraception, to remove his say in the manner and timing of their child's conception. That is a massive breach of trust. If he is not prepared to forgive it (and *I* wouldn't be), then he needs to make it clear right now that this is what he is doing, and this is why he is doing it. There isn't going to *be* a good time to walk out in the first, say, 18 years of the kid's life. Might as well select the first available bad time, which is now.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is just one more great reason for barrier contraception.

Tryphena Absent

11:43 / 18.10.04

Why? My Mum had her first child at 26. I've known 16 year old mothers who do a fantastic job of raising their kids.

What's not idiotic about about going off the pill in order to have a child and expecting the man who has been given no decision to stick around?

We live in a supremely difficult world, I'm sure there are lots of men who find it incomprehensible that a woman would keep a baby when they would have had an abortion. It must be very difficult not to resent a situation that you haven't had any control over. If I'm completely honest, Wembley, if I was your brother I would probably run*.

*Not advice.

03:54 / 19.10.04

Eh. From where I'm standing, contraception is not so cut and dried. After a catastrophic encounter with hormonal contraception I can no longer take any. And even they only guarantee 99% sucess. That's not 100%, so presumably 1 of 100 women who faithfully take their pill *still conceive*. Those are not reassuring odds. Statistically, if you're in a heterosexual, sexually active relationship you have to be willing to accept the possiblity of conception every time you have sex. Even with the best contraception. I shared a womb with an IUD for the early part of my gestation, living proof that contraception is not foolproof. No-one wants to think about it, because it's hardly a turn-on and certainly not sexy.

People who continue to be surprised when they conceive, either by "accident" or accident, seem to me to be quite niave. If you're hetero, healthy and having sex you can get pregnant- no matter what precautions you take. It sucks, but I didn't make the statistics.

05:35 / 19.10.04

It is true that the child doesn't have to be the end of either your brother's or his girlfriend's life; while I'm sure there are sixteen-year-old parents who do a great job, the truth is, neither of these people is sixteen -- your brother is a twenty-five-year-old man who is at least employed, even if not exactly gainfully (no small consideration in today's job market), and that he's in debt just pretty much means he's an American, I'm sorry to say. Obviously, he's not in the perfect situation to become a father, but who is? It sounds like he could be doing a lot worse. I don't know the particulars of the rest of his life -- his education level, for one thing; stuff that would imply he could go on to bigger and better things, career-wise -- but he probably can, and he probably will, baby or not. On that level, this is not the end of the world.

On the OTHER hand...

His girlfriend is CLEARLY a manipulative psycho. And, were I him, flight (from her, not from the responsibilities she so lovingly created for him while he was under the mistaken impression that she was telling the truth about being on the pill) would make a LOT of sense. Granted, that he plans to dump her upon the child's birth may mean he's at least as manipulative -- or, more likely, may mean that he knows he *should* dump her, but is putting it off so that he doesn't have to deal with any further emotional ugliness. Um...good luck. I've known a few women like this, and they are invariably the most desperate, pathetic, co-dependent creatures on the planet. With any luck, your brother will figure out that emotional vampires of this kind are no good even for themselves, much less anyone else, and will act accordingly...it's just, y'know, too bad he's gonna have to deal with her for the next twenty years.

05:42 / 19.10.04

Wait -- I just reread that -- Wembley's brother is in CANADA and he's making minimum wage? Sonofabitch...now I dunno *where* the hell I'm gonna go if Bush wins....

ONLY NICE THINGS

07:08 / 19.10.04

Eh. From where I'm standing, contraception is not so cut and dried. After a catastrophic encounter with hormonal contraception I can no longer take any. And even they only guarantee 99% sucess. That's not 100%, so presumably 1 of 100 women who faithfully take their pill *still conceive*. Those are not reassuring odds.

Well, no. It means that 1% of hormone-based contraceptives don't function to prevent conception. That's a different statistical set. And, ladies and gentlemen, another good reason to supplement hormone-based contraception with a barrier form of contraception, which would also avoid this awkward situation.

Nobody's Girl, you seem to be reading a different thread to the rest of us. Nobody is holding this woman responsible for the conceiving function of her healthy, heterosexual body. Rather, the issue is the deceiving function of her unhealthy heterosexual brain. If she had conceived despite having planned with her partner a contraceptive routine satisfactory to both parties which limited the risk of conception to a level they were both happy with, that would be one thing. That is not what has happened.

No-one wants to think about it, because it's hardly a turn-on and certainly not sexy.

Perhaps so. Buying a bed is not in itself very sexy, but it's a useful precursor to making a lot of sexual activity more comfortable and enjoyable. Honestly, if you are not prepared to talk about contraception, or indeed to tell your partner when he needs to change his contraceptive routine, then you are not qualified to be having any kind of sex likely to lead to conception. Sorry, but.

Tryphena Absent

15:44 / 19.10.04

People who continue to be surprised when they conceive, either by "accident" or accident, seem to me to be quite niave. If you're hetero, healthy and having sex you can get pregnant- no matter what precautions you take.

Why would this knowledge take away any surprise that you had conceived? Just because there's a chance that something might happen doesn't mean that you expect it to. And it doesn't mean you couldn't react to it in any other way either- to me this doesn't indicate naivete, it just means you're not going to tear your hair out strand by strand as you panic uncontrollably because you're channelling that emotion in another way.

wembley can change in 28 days

18:01 / 19.10.04

More email fun with my bro:

He: Studies show mothers who have less stressful pregnancies have healthier childs (particularily with anxiety disorders which sadly the child is already predisposed to).
If I break up with Lisa, she will be stressed.
It is therefore in the best long-term interests of the child for me to wait to break up with her.
It is my responsibility to do the best thing for my child.

Me:You guys really need to talk it out, instead of you being all perfect dad on the outside and bubbling with rage on the inside. There's never a perfect time.

He: She knows I'm pissed. She doesn't care, she's lost in her own little world inside her head, off doing her own thing regardless of what anyone says to her. It's pointless to talk to her and I'm not going to bother trying anymore. This isn't an ad hominem attack on her, this is the reality of the situation.

I am definitely worried about his stress level. "Childs" is not the plural of the singular of "children."

But I did try to tell him that breaking up with her now will probably not have a noticeably adverse affect on the kid as opposed to breaking up later. It will, however, definitely mess with the girl even more. Plus it is dishonest and I expect more from him. I think he'll work this out, really.

18:24 / 19.10.04

There is no way that waiting nine months, while feeling betrayed and angry, is not going to manifest as a stressful situation for mom and dad. Hopefully the girl has some other support system for her during the pregnancy, and surely NO boyfriend is better than pissed off hurt and resentful boyfriend. And as someone already pointed out - your bro should probably read up a little on postpartum depression.

18:29 / 19.10.04

Also, I'd like to point out that - ugly as this sounds - your brother's likely wind up in court sometime in the next year or two, and he should probably already be thinking about how his actions now will look to a judge later. Certainly I don't advocate dead-beat Dadism, but he shouldn't be robbed blind because of this betrayal, and [US] courts tend to be biased against fathers. If he's later going to point out that he was tricked into parenthood, he should take care not to supply her with the argument "we were dating all through the pregnancy though!"

wembley can change in 28 days

21:05 / 19.10.04

A paranoid point but a good one.

The thing is, he's not planning on running, really. Breaking up, yes, but he'll still put in his share of the support and I think part of him is thrilled that he's going to be a dad; he just can't deal with the mom. I just pictured my brother with his *own* kid on his lap. Omigod. Universe exploding. Smelling salts!

21:32 / 19.10.04

Even so it could be useful to set things out clearly in a letter now, which can be brought to court as evidence of his behaviour as a good (prospective) father if there's any custody battles or she tries to keep the kid away from him. Which is hardly unheard of.

wembley can change in 28 days

07:08 / 20.10.04

The brothers who in semi-darkness walked...

He's going to bite the bullet and tell her. Haus, I co-opted some of your phrases for my argument, so you can feel like a minor superhero for a while. Thanks all.

08:42 / 20.10.04

He: Studies show mothers who have less stressful pregnancies have healthier childs (particularily with anxiety disorders which sadly the child is already predisposed to).
If I break up with Lisa, she will be stressed.
It is therefore in the best long-term interests of the child for me to wait to break up with her.
It is my responsibility to do the best thing for my child.

Relatively slight, equivocal differences. I suspect he's overemphasising this stuff because it suits him to do so, as a procrastinator. There's a much more established link between the post-partum period and depression - and leaving things until then is likely to make more of a difference in terms of exacerbating the risk of overall harm to all parties.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

13:55 / 20.10.04

He's going to bite the bullet and tell her.

Phew.

I feel really sorry for your brother, wembly--and for the incoming sprog.

I know people have said all this already but women who choose to "forget" to take precautions, tricking their parteners into fatherhood without their consent, make me ashamed to have a cunt.

15:09 / 20.10.04

Oh c'mon, Lurid's not that bad...

10:04 / 21.10.04

I wouldn't advise him to split up with her while she is pregnant.

10:09 / 21.10.04

What would you advise then? I think better now than later, at least she can plan accordingly.

Ex

10:30 / 21.10.04

Yes, planning is crucial - she might decide to do a lot of things differently if she knows she won't be in this relationship. If she decides to stick with the pregnancy, she might start planning a support network for after the kid's born, manage her finances differently, move in with parents or friends. And she and the father can discuss custody, access, contributions and so forth.
All that would be an utter shambles to work out if you have just given birth, have a newborn depriving you of sleep, and have just split up.

13:30 / 21.10.04

Wembley - sorry to be a doubting Thomas - but is your bro sure she purposefully cam off the pill? I mean, it could've been an accident no?