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My Girlfriend Is In The Mental Hospital - Help?

17:00 / 17.10.04

I haven't posted much to Barbelith, but I thought an online community like this -- full of intelligent and unconventional people -- might have some insight into my dilemma.

My girlfriend of about 6-7 months is currently in a private mental hospital. She told me she was rapid-cycling bipolar when we began dating, and she takes a variety of medications daily that her doctors have prescribed. In the past month or so, she was having confusion and hallucinations despite the meds, and she got overwhelmed enough by this to decide to go into a hospital, where they've revised her diagnosis to schizoaffective disorder. This seems to be a fairly recently-created category that basically covers people who have mood fluctuations plus occasional psychotic symptoms. In her case, she has some visual hallucinations and confused periods, as mentioned above, but she isn't out of touch with reality like the word "psychotic" suggests to me. Most of the time, she functions just fine, and the occasional difficulty has been relatively easy for me to deal with, but now that she has felt overwhelmed enough to voluntarily go into the hospital it has me worried. She told me her mood problems are seasonal and she generally has trouble at this time of year, so this may just be her "normal" seasonal crisis. But it's tough to care so much about someone who's going through this, and this experience is new to me.

I guess what I'm seeking advice on is the following. How do you think I can best be supportive through this? What, if anything, can I do to help her feel better? Has anyone been through anything similar, and if so, what was your experience? I'm feeling a little clueless and alone, so anyone's comments would be a great help.

Finally, to get really serious, should I continue to be involved with this person? She's been wonderful for 99% of the time, but I know I can expect to go through this from time to time if we continue to be together. And going through it has been much harder emotionally than I expected. Yet, how can I abandon someone because they have a disease they have no control over? I'd appreciate any thoughts.

00:41 / 18.10.04

How long have you been dating this woman?

As far as what you should do to support her, I don't know much about mental illness but as someone in a LTR with an emotional problem or two myself, I'd want you to just continue to be there, be my friend. I would think that she'd have some fear of being abandoned bc of her troubles, and/or fear of being "unloveable" bc of them.

As for whether you want to stay with her, I suppose that's probably a wait-and-see thing, but it may help to speak with a doctor/psychiatrist and ask some questions about what you can expect being in that relationship, how other people make it work, etc.

Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo

04:10 / 18.10.04

First, you said she is in the hospital, so visits and such are a good thing. She'll be craving contact with the outside world.

Second, see what is in you that has pulled you into this relationship. Are you drawn to chaos? Do you want to "save" her? Do you have your own issues that match up with hers? Set some personal limits and make sure that you aren't in this to feed your own sorts of issues.

You should also keep in mind that staying in a psych ward can really change people, and she may make very radical changes in her life. The meds will also alter who she is enough that you'll notice. This doesn't mean she's going to leave, or anything, just that you are in for a lot of chaos and change.

Lastly, the relationship has gone long enough that you should be up front with the therapist and let them know you are involved in her life, and that may be a factor both in her care, but in her life after you leave.

10:49 / 18.10.04

Most of the time, she functions just fine, and the occasional difficulty has been relatively easy for me to deal with, but now that she has felt overwhelmed enough to voluntarily go into the hospital it has me worried.

a) it's great that she functions well usually b) it's good that she took herself to hospital, clearly she can manage her illness and knows when it's wise to seek help.

But it's tough to care so much about someone who's going through this, and this experience is new to me.

It is tough, you have my sympathies.

What, if anything, can I do to help her feel better?

To quote Monty Python- "Nothing dear, you're not qualified." I fell into the trap of thinking I could make it all better when I was going out with a bipolar guy, didn't end well. Be supportive, but please don't try to take on the role of healer. It seems like she has her condition well monitored for the moment, so let the doctors do their work unless she asks for your help with something.

Has anyone been through anything similar, and if so, what was your experience?

Not so good, I'm afraid. But like I said above, it was pretty much my mistake not his. My ex was unmedicated and fairly resistant to any type of help so he's not really a very good comparison. Your girlfriend isn't resistant to help- that's really good. The positive side of difficulties like bipolar and schizophrenia is that they DO respond well to drugs.

I'm feeling a little clueless and alone, so anyone's comments would be a great help.

It can be isolating, but it needn't be. I'd be willing to bet that there are hundreds of support groups for partners and family of people with difficulties like your girlfriend right here on the interwebnet- seek them out!

Finally, to get really serious, should I continue to be involved with this person?

For a bit of perspective- you say that 99% of the time she's great? That's better stats than a lot of relationships. It is likely that you'll have to cope with issues like this throughout your relationship, only you can decide if you're up to that. However, I can tell you that it does get easier with practise- it wont always be this hard.

11:48 / 18.10.04

i'd say -

take a goood, looong, cooold, haaard look at yourself, and decide if you want [that's WANT as in desperately desire] to stay in the relationship.

If, in all honesty, you look and realise that you don't, then take a deep breath and just go. go see her, explain, and go without guilt or regret.

If you decide you do want to stick it out, make a vow to yourself that you will stick it out, then put your head down and just hold on tight. it's not possible to pretend it won't feel like shit, but if your mind's made up it's not impossible, probably it won't ever get as bad as your worst nightmares are telling you it could. monotonous visits, awkward conversations ('what you been up to then?' 'staring at the walls'), periodically feeling like the universe has shit on your soul again, just put up with it all with as much toughness as you can muster. deal with it however you best deal with stress, gentle druggage, a spot of exercise, meditation - actively pursue these things to keep yourself strong enough to look after you both. importantly, always remember the cyclical nature of bipolar disorders, and the efficacy of up-to-date treatment, which mean that no matter how much you might be hurt by the look of pain on your loved one's face today, by tomorrow, or next week, or next month the look will change, the person you love and feel free with will be back, and you can both feel happy again. love's the only thing on earth putting up with this style of heavy shit for. and with love, i bet it can be done easy*.

cliches for sale, ten pound a pop. sorry. possibly you wanted something a bit more constructive:

*!mental chicks are brilliant!*
(this is the first and most holy pop fact)

*but if the feelings ain't there, sno point trying to fake it. in that case, i would imagine it's best to go while the going's not too bad.

Whale... Whale... Fish!

12:41 / 18.10.04

I tried finding some information for you and came up with this. If they don't have any useful info then there is a links section which I had a wee look at and can point you in the right direction.

If you decide to stay with her. You might need help trying to cope with things and there are organisations that can give you help, support and advice when and if you need it.

My own advice would be if you love her and care for her and feel you can be there for her, then you should stay.

Sorry I can't be of more help but everything else i was going to say has been covered by other people.

I wish you and your girlfriend all the best mate.