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Eating my underwear

 
 
Jackie Susann
00:16 / 12.10.04
Last night I lost a bet and, so, now have to eat my underwear at a friend's community radio benefit. So I was wondering what people think about the best way to prepare or serve or garnish underwear might be. I was thinking about just drowning them in tomato sauce (ketchup) and tabasco but I figure they'll still be chewy as hell. So any suggestions are very welcome.
 
 
Saint Keggers
00:19 / 12.10.04
get plenty of alchohol. Drink it. Then put underwear in blender with more alchohol. blend!!! until a creamy liquid is formed. Drink. Enjoy! (if possible)
 
 
w1rebaby
00:24 / 12.10.04
pants + blender + salsa
 
 
ibis the being
00:42 / 12.10.04
Any combination of underwear, blending or food processing, and heavy seasoning is sure to please. Damn it is hard to type when I am drunk.
 
 
Alex's Grandma
00:47 / 12.10.04
4 oz mushrooms, 4-8 small shallots or onions, 2-3 oz butter or oil, 4 oz bacon, I young chicken, 1 clove garlic, 1 oz flour, 1 pint red wine, seasoning.

Slice the mushrooms and fry with the onions until tender and the onions golden brown. Fry the diced bacon. Lift out and add the jointed chicken. Cook steadily for about ten minutes, until golden on the outside. Remove from the butter and stir in the crushed garlic and the flour. Cook for about 3-4 minutes, then gradually add the wine. Add seasoning and bring just to the boil. Simmer until a smooth sauce. Return the chicken, mushrooms and onions to the sauce, season well and simmer for approximately thirty minutes, until the chicken is tender.

Serves 4.



Basically, replace the chicken with your underpants in the above recipe, and I can't really picture things going too wrong.
 
 
Saint Keggers
01:02 / 12.10.04
A final caveat: make sure said underpants are clean.
 
 
lekvar
01:34 / 12.10.04
It is important to remember to serve white wine with underwear. Red wine will overpower the subtle flavor.
 
 
Saint Keggers
02:07 / 12.10.04
Doesnt that depend on the boxers or brief question? I think boxers could use a nice red wine yet a white would just be too subtle. Briefs would need something with less of a body to it. Of course if they're Fruit of the Loom then just go with a fine single malt which should be at least 5 times as old as the underwear in question.
 
 
ibis the being
02:10 / 12.10.04
See, now, I totally disagree. Briefs are the broiled swordfish to the boxers' grilled sole.
 
 
Logos
03:35 / 12.10.04
This is the sort of thing that seems like it would happen to me, yet never does.

On a more practical matter: avoid microwaving elastic. On second thought, anyone actually eating their shorts doesn't need good advice at this point. Be sure to send pictures.
 
 
grant
16:17 / 12.10.04
And for pete's sake, see if you can't make sure your underwear is all non-synthetic. I think cotton is digestible.
 
 
w1rebaby
16:32 / 12.10.04
You *can* get edible underpants but I think that would be counted as cheating.
 
 
Alex's Grandma
17:02 / 12.10.04
Yes, make sure the fabric is bio-degradable, otherwise the consequences for your own personal environment could potentially be dire.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
19:03 / 12.10.04
Is it a specific pair of pants you are sworn to eat? If not, go and treat yourself to a silk g-string, which should be light and digestible, not to mention less bulky. Saute it, perhaps, for a pleasant amuse-gueule?

Mmm!
 
 
grant
19:15 / 12.10.04
I'd suggest boiling the hell out of them. Maybe mincing, boiling and then baking, even.
 
 
Our Lady Has Left the Building
22:45 / 12.10.04
(this is goodness gracious squatting Our Lady's underpants)

I also wish to know whether the underpants have been specified. If not, you need to go get some delicate silk g-string type-things. And a bottle of yr favourite spirit.

Chop the g-string up, and bung it in the bottle.

No problem.

And thanks, for the best thread on barbelith in years.

We have to have photographic evidence.

Or we won't believe you....
 
 
Billuccho!
23:12 / 12.10.04
I'd suggest chewing. Tends to help me eat things.
 
 
Jackie Susann
04:57 / 14.10.04
The underpants are unspecified, but if everyone is going to see them I want to make sure they're not a pair I'd be embarrassed to own. I am unclear on whether a G-string falls in that category. And would eating synthetics really be that bad? Surely they couldn't have many more chemicals than like a Big Mac or something?

Thanks for all advice.
 
 
Alex's Grandma
07:39 / 14.10.04
Dude, then again;

When you're looking down, nervously, at your pants on a plate, it's important to seem like an English gentleman.

So:

1 good-sized pheasant ( or set of boxers )
6 rashers streaky bacon
Seasoning
1 tablespoon sherry ( realistically, it's a bottle, given the noble deed you're about to perform )
3 tablespoons stock

Right, so
Cut the breast away from the bones of the bird ( cut away the lining from off the pants ) slicing this carefully. Put this together with the giblets and bacon, through a mincer very finely. Grease a 2 pint basin or a mould. Put one third of the minced pheasant ( or pants ) at the bottom of the basin. Cover this with half the sliced pants, seasoning each layer well. Continue with another third of the minced underwear, then the rest of the pants and finally the rest of the booze. Mix the sherry with the stock and the seasoning, pour over the underwear. Cover with buttered paper and cook for approximately 1-2 hours, I suppose, or some of the pants if you'd saved them earlier ( you probably should have done, ) and season them well. Continue with another third of seasoned underpants, then the rest of the pants and then finally the rest of the minced underpants. Mix the sherry with the stock and seasoning, pour over the pants. Cover with buttered paper, and cook for aprox 1-2 hours, in a moderate oven.
 
 
gingerbop
15:26 / 14.10.04
Mango Chutney.
 
 
Mr Tricks
15:31 / 14.10.04
Toste them... make a sort of Tostada out of them so they break apart while chewing rather than trying to use your teeth to break them down.
 
 
grant
17:00 / 14.10.04
I like that toasting idea, actually.

And would eating synthetics really be that bad? Surely they couldn't have many more chemicals than like a Big Mac or something?

I'm thinking more in terms of blockage than toxicity -- I think polyester can survive digestive acids, and a biggish piece might lodge somewhere you don't want it to. On the other hand, it might just leave you *exceptionally clean*.

That pheasant recipe really makes me wonder if you could get cotton boxers, then stuff them and toast the outside until crispy.
 
 
Alex's Grandma
18:08 / 14.10.04
I think that would work - the boxers would be like popadums really, much more palatable in that brittle form.
 
 
lekvar
22:10 / 14.10.04
Would it be to forward to ask what bet was lost to has set you down this path of culinary/sartorial adventure?
 
 
Papess
22:29 / 14.10.04
Slightly off topic, but definately worth noting Crunchy...

>>>Boy Bites Briefs to Beat Breathalyzer

Stettler-- An 18-year-old man tried to eat his underwear believing that the cotton would absorb all the alcohol before he took a breathalyzer test. David Zurfluh was taken by police when he ran from his vehicle which had been weaving down the road. While tucked in the backseat of the police car, Zurfluh ripped the crotch out of his underwear and stuffed them into his mouth. He was later acquitted of drunk driving charges, but the testimony cracked up members of the court so badly that many had to be escorted out in tears of laughter.


taken from here
 
 
Alex's Grandma
23:59 / 14.10.04
Well yeah, but Zurfluh though. How on earth would you pronounce that, in court or anywhere ?
 
 
Jackie Susann
01:38 / 29.10.04
Just to let you know how it went (sorry, no photos...)

In the end, I decided to chop them up real small, then mix them through jelly - that way, I could just swallow the pieces, cause they're really hard to chew. Unfortunately, that meant eating a LOT of jelly. I'd planned to throw up when I was done, rather than digest the cotton, but it turned out that wasn't optional and I hurled a really quite cute toiletfull of multicoloured jelly. Sadly, no underwear. No solids of any kind. But it turned out the undies went through fine, with not even a hint of indigestion. So it was all sweet.
 
 
lekvar
02:01 / 29.10.04
So... what was the bet again?
 
  
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