The greatest rap album…. So many to choose from. Something old school, like Run-DMC’s “Raising Hell” or Public Enemy’s “It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us back”? Or, perhaps something newer, like Eminem’s “Marshall Mathers LP”? I say, forget all that noise. I have a real candidate for best ever rap album. And it is called… “Shaq Diesel”.
Now, I’ll be honest and say I know very little about rap or hip-hop. I quite like the early stuff (Public Enemy, Run-DMC, Geto Boys, even, um, Grandmaster Flash) but my knowledge of the genre is fairly limited. To my ears a lot of the music today sounds very generic and formulaic, though I’m sure there must be innovating hip-hop bands out there… I just haven’t been exposed to them. However, one of my brothers listens to a lot of it, so I do know a bit about the archetypes and what not. Here, then, we have an album that, by rap’s standards, is so bad that it’s good. My brother got this at a CD store for only $6 (used) and I see it at almost every CD store I go to. So it’s not really hard to find. Today, for those of you who haven’t heard this gem, I’ll be giving a concise in-depth summary of each track, paying special attention to the lyrics, which could be some of the most amusing (and surreal) ever to be recorded on a rap album.
The album in question is called “Shaq Diesel”. Jive Records released it in 1993. It was Shaq’s first rap album. At the time it seemed like a novelty. Now, however, basketball stars doing rap albums is quite a common thing indeed. But this, my friends, is where it all started. So, without further ado, I present to you,
SHAQ DIESEL!!!!
INTRO: Like many rap albums, this one begins with an intro. In this case, we get a sample of NBA commissioner David Stern announcing that the Orlando Magic select Shaquille O’Neal during the 92-93 NBA draft, to much applause. Following this we hear some generic hip-hop beats and a few voices hyping up Shaq and telling someone to “Pass it to Shaquille”! It’s only 1:48, so it’s short and sweet.
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I Know I got) Skillz: Let the fun begin! This, the first official song on the album, introduces us to Shaq himself. It begins with the big guy mumbling (ala Marlon Brando in "Apocalypse Now") for some guy called Jef to “give me a hoopla beat or something, something to go to the park to…”. What follows is fairly generic rap music, over which Shaq raps lines like “I got a hand that will rock your cradle/I treat you like cheese/spread you on my bagel”. Later on he mentions Cheech & Chong and utters controversial phrases like “I don’t give a heck”. To be honest, I’m not aware how much of this album he actually wrote, his name is listed on most of the songs but always in collaboration with someone else). Anyway, if you want the whole lyrics, check this link out: http://display.lyrics.astraweb.com:2000/display.cgi?shaquille_oneal%2E%2Eshaw_diesel%2E%2Ei_know_i_got_skillz
I’M OUTSTANDING: Well, he’s got modesty down pat. You know you’re in for rap gold when a song begins with Shaq comparing himself to Kunta Kinte. This song is kinda dancey, and autobiographical in nature, with Shaq detailing his rise to fame and how he tries to make his parents proud of him. The music in this number is pretty good, probably because it consists mostly of samples from the Gap Band and James Brown. The chorus is mainly just Shaq saying “I’m Outstanding”. If we still don’t get the point, you also have a guy at the end of the song shouting “You the man, Shaq!” Oh yeah, he plugs his shoes in this song too. Full lyrics here: http://display.lyrics.astraweb.com:2000/display.cgi?shaquille_oneal%2E%2Eshaq_diesel%2E%2Eim_outstanding
WHERE YA AT?: Oh boy… Okay, this song is kind of a saxy, laid back, piano driven number. It also features Phife from “A Tribe Called Quest”. Not that they give him much to do mind, other then call out “Hey Shaq, where ya at?” (to which Shaq answers “I’m Over Here!”, or “Yo yo, I’m over here!”, or “Phife! I’m over here!” This is the chorus, BTW). This one has great lyrics, like : “don't need the drink crooked I juice to get loose/ my favorite cartoon is Bullwinkle the Moose” and also “Watch out yo it’s time for MC bashin’/Got more loot then my man Johnny cash and”. Worth listening to if only to hear Shaq channel the ghost of Dr. Suess when he says “hoopa hypa lipta-gramma”. http://display.lyrics.astraweb.com:2000/display.cgi?shaquille_oneal%2E%2Eshaq_dieseel%2E%2Ewhere_ya_at
I HATE 2 BRAG: This song is kinda weak, to be honest, despite the fact it samples Herbie Hancock (don’t expect “Rockit”). It opens with a basketball sample and features a really annoying guest rapper whose name I don’t know. Most notable line is Shaq saying that he’s “100% like Orange Juice”.
LET ME IN: Ah, a worthier song to scrutinize. This song appears to be about the perils of fame, as Shaq has to dodge numerous female fans that want to sleep with him. It begins with Shaq declaring to a woman “You’re looking at a big old hunk of Mandingo” or something like that. About these women trying to sleep with him, Shaq growls “Not by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin”. That’s the chorus, spoken over a collage of women all on the point of orgasm moaning “let me in, let me in” (and, later on, “Shaq, let me in!”) It’s nearly pornographic, to be honest. Actually, the big guy raps faster then usual in this one, nailing crucial lyrics like “Shaq be nimble! Shaq be quick!” and “I’m not dissing all women just some that act dumb… diddy dumb”. I’m really glad he decided to toss that diddy dumb in there. Actually, the best line is when he says “Treat me like Michael Jackson (he then shouts out “Hee Hee” in a high-pitched Jackson impersonation) and then beat it!” Very funny.
SHOOT, PASS, SLAM: Like most of the other songs, this one is guest-heavy and, like many of the others, features Eric Sermon. Here we get Sermon shouting “Do you want me to shoot it?” CROWD: NO! “Do you want me to pass it?” CROWD: NO! “Do you want me to slam?” CROWD: SLAM! H’mm, no wonder the USA men’s basketball team didn’t get the gold at Greece this year, with a mentality like that. Not much else to say about this one, but once again we get good lyrics from Shaq: In one line he compares himself to Clint Eastwood and Martin Sheen, and later on sings “A tisket, a tasket, I ripped down the basket”. Whoever wrote these lyrics must have loved nursery rhymes.
BOOM!: The chorus for this one is “Boom! Turn up the volume!” I don’t think Shaq even appears on this one, just guests, including a very fast rapping one who sounds like a mix between Cheech and Speedy Gonzales (he’s also very annoying: The first minute of his lyrics in this song are about fairly tales, namely the 3 little pigs. What this has to do with Shaq I have no idea). Roboto is rhymed with lotto. Nothing more to really say…
ARE YOU A ROUGHNECK?: This is a sleazy sax-driven piece. I won’t say much about the fairly puerile first verse, but I will say it contains a lot of words like pooper, scooper, trooper, super, and duper. Will the hilarity never cease? Cheech & Chong get mentioned again, and there are shout outs to Dre and Snoop. Actually, there are some great lines in this one, such as “Time to get crazy like Gomer Pyle”, “Ra pa pum pum, here I come, here I come, I forgot my verse, uh, um” and later on “Knick knack paddy whack ‘em”. It’s kinda hard to explain…
GIGGIN’ ON EM: Another song featuring Phife. You know you’re in for a good time when the song begins “Hi, my name is Shaq and I want to go pop… not. I got to have the hip in my hop”. In this song he complains about other rappers whose lyrics are “soft”. Yeah, and his own lyrics would probably make the Geto Boys blush, right? The best part is when he says “I’m top choice with the raga like voice/ Fix my lips for the mike make it sure it sounds moist/ like a Betty Crocker or a Duncan Heinz cake” and “I’m ruff like Mcgruff I take a bite out of crime”. The chorus features Phife calling Shaq a “lyrical champion”. It ends with Shaq announcing names and telling us that he “gigged on ‘em”. Some of the names he announces kind of date the album… Grandmama, Me Phi Me, and country people! Another of the best lines is “Your pants fall to your knees like chopped trees”. Sadly Phife cuts him off after this… Too bad, I was wondering where that lyric was going.
WHAT’S UP DOC? (CAN WE ROCK?): With a title like that, it’s gotta be good. This is the money song for the album, even though Shaq plays a very small part in it. There’s more guests here, including the speedy Gonzales guy again, who really goes all out in this piece. It’s a very quirky, bouncy, surreal song. This is a song where you really must read the lyrics, they’re some of the greatest things ever. Don’t believe me? Check this out: “I thought I saw a putty cat, I did, I did the humpty dumpty bashful grumpy quaker nabisco crisco kid, 'cause my style's figaro figaro figaro figaro like Pinochio's,
Big Digital Underground humpty dumpty camel hump nose, So play dosey doe, sufferin' sucotash my mistletoe is gone, Snow White is after my seven dwarves, my styles, and after me Lucky Charms, So leapin' leprechauns, be glad I'm pushin' my pedal to the metal, I'm rugged and rough for Cocoa Puffs, and yes, I love my Fruity Pebbles.” And, later on: “Lyrics are merry, merry, quite contrary, and Captain Crunch berry good
So rah rah, sis boom bah.” I’m speechless. It’s like the cereal industry, Warner Brothers, Mother Goose, Jive Records, Andre Breton and Shaquille O’Neal were crammed into a tiny room, given typewriters, and told to produce a rap song. Words alone are insufficient, you just gotta hear this one on your own. Until then, the lyrics will suffice:
http://www.lyricsuniverse.com/show.php?id=50036
GAME OVER: The final track, to be honest, is kind of pointless. Just ten seconds of basketball sound effects (people dribbling the ball, calling out plays, you get the idea).
And that, as they say, is all folks.
From what I’ve read this album actually did pretty well, selling 864,000 copies back in the day. Shaq later went on to do another album, “Shaq-Fu”, which I’ve not had the luxury of listening to. After this, 3 years and 2 albums after his debut, a greatest hits was released, 5 songs of which came from “Shaq Diesel”: I Know I Got Skillz, Boom!, I’m Outstanding, Where Ya At? And What’s Up Doc (Can We Rock?) YAY! I hear Shaq is doing a third hip-hop album now… Given the popularity of this genre today I’m willing to bet the label is gonna spend a bit more time on production values then they did with “Shaq Diesel”.
Anyway, if you ever find the album pick it up, it’s a lot of fun. Better yet, get it off Soulseek or something. It’s really worth your while. As I said, words alone are not enough. This thing has to be experienced. |
